Sunday, September 15, 2024

My apartment is a depressing display of beige walls and broken furniture. Everything I own has been handed down or bought in the sales. When you walk into my unit, you know you are looking at poverty.

I took everything down off of the walls last year. I packed all my fun stuff away. Pillows,.. art,... anything that showed my personality at all has been removed. I don't want to stay here so I have packed most of my stuff away in boxes already. In the hopes of moving,... And over the past year I have thrown a lot away as well. This past year has left me suicidal. So I was literally 'taking care of loose ends" before my death, This way, my girls won't have much to do when they clean my apartment out. I have done it already.

But after a year I realize I'm not going anywhere. This life I am TRAPPED in won't allow for me to leave this building. But spending day after day in this gloomy depressing apartment is really taking it's toll. Everyday I sit here watching tv I have to see the glaring poverty. My livingroom wall unit door broken,... my carpet thread bare and stretched out of shape. I have bed sheets hanging over my windows. I am short (5'2") and even with my little ladder I cannot reach above the window so I have never been able to hang curtains properly. Instead I have MacGyvered bed sheets and random curtain panels together just to keep out the light. But it looks awful, Infact my whole apartment looks awful. And every day I sit in here I get more and more depressed. What I need is a complete overhaul of this livingroom. New furniture,... new carpet,... new curtains that are hung properly,... I need a fresh start. But I know this is never going to happen.I need a bag full of money and a man to do the DIY jobs. But neither one of those is ever going to fall into my lap so instead I guess I have to make do with what I have.  ***sigh*** 

Being poor is not only hard financially for basic needs. Being poor also affects your mental health. Sitting here with nothing in an apartment straight out of "Grey Gardens" is just so oppresive. You can't get well living in this apartment. It screams isolation,... poverty and lonliness. FAILURE. But who has the money to change anything?

Welcome to the life of poverty. What I would do for a livingroom makeover,... but the poor and forgotten don't get makeovers. They just get forgotten.







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