I have three brothers actually. My biological Mom had another child years after myself. His name is Tony and he lives in British Columbia, Canada. I have only met him once. We rarely communicate and if I am to be honest we really don't have much of a relationship. I also have two adoptive brothers. Dave and Glen. Both older. Something I have never shared with anyone before is that I always thought my brothers didn't like me. I came into their home when they were 4 and 6. I was laready a toddler. I didn't come as a brand new baby. I always wondered if this effected our relationship. Maybe we didn't 'bond' properly or something. My eldest brother was quite a few years older than me so we were rarely ever in the same school together. He seemed to just be around all my life but we were never close. The other brother Glen is closer to me in age. I thought we would be closer only being two years apart but I found in adulthood he just didn't seem to want to be around me. His 40th birthday party I will never forget being ignored all night by him and his friends. It really hurt and I never got over that,... I just don't think my brothers ever thought of me as their 'REAL' sister. Whether it was intentional or not,... or even if they were aware of it. But I just never felt like I 'belonged' around them. It only got worse as adults as we are all so different in nature. I defininetly didn't live up to my brothers expectations. And Glens wife later let me have a luandry list of all my faults and what they REALLY thought of me. So the feeling I had was never imagined. They really did keep me at arms length and treated me as an obligational invite becasue I was their sister and they had to. Why I never felt like I 'belonged' to them I don't know. It was just how I felt. As children not so much. Children just get on with it don't they? It was more as adults. I just felt like I wasn't a 'REAL' Morgan to them.
But then again,... I've never felt like I belong anywhere. Not with the Holyoaks,... or the Morgans,... or the Muenchs,... no one seemed to want me in the end. I felt like a drifter. Drifting in and out of peoples lives until now ~ when I find myself alone.
I find relationships hard. I don't understand them. I never know where I stand in them. I always feel like an obligation to my family(s). So lost,... never belonging anywhere. Just drifting,... I have no anchor to hold me down. And the foundation that I am on presently is so precarious. People need other people. But other than Joan and Tony Morgan when I was a child, I have NEVER felt like I was ever wanted or belonged anywhere,...
If your not born into a loving family in a stable enviroment,... There but for the grace of God go I,...
Right now I feel like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards just trying to hang on. THATS how I feel my life has been.
It's why I am so desperately wanting peace now. Just quiet peace with no drama. I would like to have a loving family in it but,...
Back to this movie I am watching. In the end,... when he dies,... he has his three daughters surrounding him. He knows he is loved. And he can pass peacefully knowing he was loved.
But I will never have this. I will die alone. And this is heartbreaking to me. I did so much to bring those girls into this world. And the one time I really need them,... they won't be there. I will be alone. And that breaks my heart.
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