Queen Elizabeth II called 1992 her “annus horribilis,” or horrible year, in a speech marking the 40th year of her reign, saying: “1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis'.  Those words couldn't better describe my 2024. So Queen Lizzy,... I am stealing your quote. Because 2024 has definitely turned out to be my Annus Horribilis. 

It started with the bust up of Darren and I and it just got worse and worse from there. Hanging out with Darren for the few years I did changed me. Over the few years that we hung out I found myself matching his dark demeaner. I became dark and negative. It was an unhealthy realtionship. (Just a reminder we were just friends) And after his dsigusting behaviour I retreated into my apartment for a good 6 months licking my wounds. But it's been a year now.And I can feel myself getting lighter,... brighter,... my mood is more positive and I am much more motivated. It makes me look back and question waht the hell was I thinking hanging out with this dark, ragy kid half your age? Well I know why I did actually. I was lonely and being with this dark kid was still better than being alone. He passed the time. But I didn't realize that the more time we spent together,...I was changing. And it took a whole year of not being around him to even see that I had changed. Dark,... negative,... But now that seems to have lifted once again and for the first time in a very long time I am slowly starting to feel like my old self once again. Pre-Darren Green. Funny how people can chameleon into their surroundings. He is a dark and ragy and negative person and in the end it rubbed off on me. He was literally making me unhealthy. But now,... I feel better. 

I walked out to the gazebo tonight happy. The weather is perfect and it was a beautiful night to sit outside. But Darren was out there. Normally I would just go back inside and not bother but tonight I went out anyway. And of course he got up and left. As he walked by I got this feeling. For the first time I felt NOTHING. No embarrassment becasue he got up and left,... no anger for how he has treated me,.. nothing. So i giggled. Becasue as he walked by I realized that he no longer has any effect on me whatsoever. I am free of Darren Green and that thought made me break out into a huge grin and I giggled. Which he heard and muttered his normal nasty toxins but it had NO EFFECT. I could care less about Darren Green. So now I know it's over. I can't be responsible for his behaviour but for me I just hink it's humurous his grudge and how badly he wants to make me look bad. I don't know what has changed inside of me to fianlly release me from him but I have. And I feel great. Now the only people to get up and walk out when I come in is him,... his buddy Marc (who I don't even know so thats not a hardship) and Judy. Why Judy has chosen to side with him I will never know but for the first time in a year, I don't care. It just doesn't effect me anymore. Infact,... Judy was riding around the parking lot while we were all in the gazebo having a nice time. She could have joined us but becasue Darren has told her to hate me she wont come in. It's sad. Her and i were friends long before Darren ever came in the picture. So although it was hurtful she turned her back on me,... it no longer bothers me. 

I feel free.

And this can only be good news. My whole depression and anxiety stems from the stress and unhappiness of living here. But maybe,... after a year of hibernating,... and things having time to settle down,...I can dip my toe back out into the world again. 

I have spent a lot of time outside the past few days. The weather is awesome and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can before the bad weather starts to settle in and I can't get out. And sunshine is a natural anti-depressant. Getting out more has done me good. I plan on doing as much of it as I can before it gets too cold.

Do I dare hope? I have hoped before only to be disappointed. But maybe,.. with baby steps,... I can find a path.

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