Just don't want to go on

I woke up this morning already feeling despondant. When I open my eyes in the morning, a feeling of dread always washes over me. A feeling of "damn,... your still breathing" A feeling of knowing I have to fill up the next 16 to 18 hours of the day when there is nothing to do to fill them. I know how tedious and miserable that is going to be. I know my anxiety will take over,... I know that feeling in the pit of my gut will start churning,... I know my life is hopeless but I woke up breathing. So now I have no choice but to get up and deal with this day. I don't want to, but I am forced to because I'm breathing.

It's miserable outside too. Wet, foggy, gray,... definitely matches my mood. I don't even seem to have anger left in me anymore. Now I just feel empty.

I wish I had never even called that lawyer. This case has ruined me. What has it done for me so far? Lost my ODSP ~ my lifeline ~ that took 5 years to get ~ and now I will never get back. MY LIFE IS RUINED.

I don't even know how to cry anymore I'm so empty.

I just want to disappear and be gone. Disintegrate into nothingness.

I just want to be DEAD.

I just want to be DEAD

I just want to be DEAD

How can I make that happen? I need for that to happen ~ today. I just can't go on one more fucking day,....

Not the nicest of days in Fergus, Ontario, Canada