I'm California Sober

It's Sunday morning. Coronation Street and football. I woke up unsettled this morning. I don't know why. Nothing happened. I think the overall stress of my life is catching up with me. My nerves feel raw and jangled. I get this feeling when I am going downhill. The only way I can think of to describe it is "I feel like a tiny subway train is driving through my veins" Like a vibration deep in my body. It's unnerving. I don't know why I suffer from this feeling but I have on and off my entire adult life. 

My mentally ill body needs medication. But with no doctor ~ all I have is the use of marijuana. Not ideal. I have never suffered one myself, but I have seen people come into hospital with a "marijuana induced psychosis". So I am aware that cannabis isn't the ideal answer for my needs. It definitely helps with my pain. It doesn't take it away but it gives me what I call the "cotton candy effect". It takes the sharp pain and brings it down to a bearable level allowing me to function. I have been using it for years and years and years,... but now I am getting tired of it all. The cost,... the mess,... in an ideal world I would replace it all with prescription medication. I do realize after so many years I am more than likely highly addicted to weed. So in order to come off marijuana, I would more than likely have to go into rehab. I know because I can't live without it. I AM ADDICTED TO MARIJUANA. I do not do more serious drugs. I am a recovering addict so I have to be careful what I take. Over the years,... whether right or wrong,... I choose to stop the hard drugs (prescription and opiods) and keep the cannabis. I call myself "California Sober". If I were to go to NA (Narcotics Annon.) they would not say I was sober. But in my eyes,... cannabis keeps my pain bearable preventing me from seeking out the harder drugs. So in the end,... being California sober works for me. At least right now with no doctor. I would give it up ~ but it wouldn't be easy and I would need rehab I'm sure. But I won't even consider giving it up unless I have a doctor to prescribe prescripotion medication in it's place. Without a doctor or meds,... I can't give up marijuana. 

As I sit here this morning I am in pain. I woke up in pain. I always do. So my morning routine is geared to doing whatever it takes to relieve that pain. And for me it is sitting here drinking coffee and smoking my marijuana vape. It's only after an hour that I start to get any relief. And then I have to suck on that vape all day long to keep the pain at bay. It's expensive. Vapes are $50 a piece. And I go through 2 a month. 

But,... no doctor,... no health care,... so I just do what I need to do to relieve my pain. But it is getting worse. And I am getting older and frailer and I am finding it harder to cope. I actually talked to an addict yesterday and asked for his dealers number. He didn't have a phone. He doesn't own one - he's an addict. But he said he will ask the guy for some fentanyl. Even if I don't use it to intentionally overdose - I can altleast use it to relieve pain. If I happen to overdose and die?? Then thats just a happy coincidence.

All because I don't have a doctor,...

Do you know how nice it would be to never have to deal with pain or poverty again? It looks deliciously like blessed relief and PEACE to me,... 

But society refused to allow me to do that. They prefer to leave me alone and let me suffer by myself. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. But I have to be honest here and say,... if I had the chance,... I really would take it. The pain is unbearable. But add poverty on top of that and life is just shit. Leaving it can only be relief,....

I write on here every day. I go back and forth. Back and forth. But always I come back to the same conclusion. If I had help,... I wouldn't need to end my life. But I dont' have that help do I? So maybe it's just time to face facts and realize that life is always going to be a struggle to survive. 

Maybe just best to leave the party quietly,...