This is a hard one to write

I won't be publishing anymore blog entries after this. My world has imploded and I am left shaken and just wanting to die.

In desperation I texted hayley for help but it did not go well. I hate texting to begin with. My arms and hands are still numb with pins and needles so it is actually hard to even hold a phone let alone for an extended length of time or to text. I need to talk on the phone instead.

The other reason for this is everything I seem to textm she misconstrues. I think she reads my texts completely out of context thinking I am being "snotty" or "flippant" when in fact I am not at all. I re-read the text exchange and that is exactly what happened. 

I told her aabout losing my ODSP. She actually texted back fairly quickly with a question "are you not able to re-apply for ODSP?" I answered with no and why.  Then a few questions,... and then ~ I should be able to get ODSP throught he walk-in because she did herself. She doesn't realize she got ODSP for a completely different reason that I do. i have no idea how she got it but I think through mental healath and addiction as she was a fentanyl addict but to be fair I don't know the answer to this. I got ODSP for my fibromyalgia. So to renew ODSP ~ I have to PROVE to them I HAVE fibromyalgia and right now I can't. I have no doctor. So good for you Hayley for getting your ODSP through the wlakin but that option is not available to me. We have two completely different diabilities. Mine is physical. I need to have proof and records from doctors and specialists and I don't have that and probobly never will. Can the world just accdept that I havbe lost my ODSP and cannot get it back!!!!

To all of this I was losing my patients. For a different reason than she probobly thinks. I hate texting and she was sending me novels. I wanted to SPEAK - orally to her. I can't text. So i was getting irritated at all the texting. It was hurting my hands. AND,.... the conversation was disintegrating quickly. So I texted whatever,... which was a mistake. THAT was my frustration at texting - not at what she was saying.

And of course the conversation just went downhill from there. I learned a lot about how she feels about me. And it was HURTFUL. I couldn't bear listening to it so I lost it and told her to stop. And YES,... I was a mentally ill monster then,... I spiralled big time. At this point I realized that we werent' even reading the same book let alone be on the same page.

She hinted that I am "down here" becasue I am just a person who makes bad decisions and is a bad person. I can't even talk about what she said as it cut through my heart and I broke down. My last texts to her were ok, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. now stop. I can't take this. stop. I am sincerely sorry." She did not hold back. 

So I have come to the realiztion that she is right. I AM a bad person that no one likes. I mean it has to be true as I sit here completely isolated from the world and alone. I am a MONSTER. And today i really realized that through what HAyley said.

I'm not a mother. I'm a monster. I hurt everyone and everything I touch. I am a toxic mess that just needs to die. I don't deserve to live. Now I know why I was thrown away and left to rot. becasue I now realize I deserve it.

I deserve to live a miserable life. 

I am fucking mentally ill monster and the only thing I deserve is to DIE!

I am evil spawn. My parents were not good people and it looks like I was just the same. 

I have nothing left but hatered and disdain for myself.

I really just need to die!!!

My kids are right. I don't deserve them or a good life. I am an evil monster.