This is how I feel right now. Empty, lost and desperate

This is the post I left on Facebook a few days ago. Only two people - my friend Becky and a person I have never met but follows my blog,.... Val - were the only two people to even acknowledge it. There is something wrong with our world when a person can put up this post ~ and only 2 people acknowledge it.

What has happened is,... as my life has deteriorated,... my posts have become darker and more desperate. But I find that noone wants to go near them. Very few people like a post that is showing you are struggling.

There seems to be two different readers. The first being people who are actually nice people. But they can't help you. First of all they are not responsible for you. But they also can't help you. So not being able to offer me something to help,... they feel inadequate. They want to help me. They see I am struggling. But honestly,... it just isnt' their responsibility. So they feel awkward and do nothing at all.

The second type of person if more dangerous to my mentality. The people who just think you are a drama queen and whining. So they dislike you and make nasty comments. Why they just can't leave you alone I will never know but instead they choose to make me feel worse than I already do by typing stupid negative commnets that are just designed to hurt my feelings.

Our society is so used to the chronic problem of poverty that it doens't even see me anymore. And when it does it just turns its head becasue theres nothing they can do. So when I post these posts in DESPERATION and get nothing,... I can't help but feel hurt. Not even a "sorry your going through this,..." Just NOTHING.

Society doesn't see poverty anymore.

I don't know what more I could have done to save myself. If you look on this blog I have been SHOUTING how miserable I am. How I can't physically cope anymore. But noone sees it. The world is SILENT. The world is completely silent,....

I can't go on. I mean physically alone I am just too tired. I can't even get groceries anymore,...

So my facebook posts ~ which only made me look like a desperate loser ~ were ignored. I'm sure they all rolled their eyes and thought "drama queen"

I'm so sad that I will die being unwanted,... unloved,... and actually did aske for help but instead got my ODSP taken away,...

I just cna't win and I'm too fucking tired to bother trying anymore.

What else should I ahve done to get help???? None wanted to even touch my desperate posts.... it was just too awkward to see this negativity on their timeline. So don't worry folks. i will no longer BLEMISH your timeline with my desperation.

These past few days have been a traumatizing realization that I have no life,.... and just need to die.

 I am spiralling badly now,... My mind is just tormented. I can't think strait. The absolute HATE I feel for myself is overwhelming,...

I just want to die

The party's over,...

I have finished and closed my Coffee Confessions blog. It just felt like I needed to. Too many people reading it now. I am probobly the only blogger in the world who doesn't want followers. I only ever wanted a place to purge my words for theraputic healing. 

The past week has been the worst week of my life.

I have felt myself spiralling. My thoughts getting more fragmented and harder to pin down. It has been harder to write. I have never had a problem writing in my entire life. The second my pen hit paper my mind raced. It was too full. It is why I feel the need to write every single day. Like some people go the gym for release ~ I write. It has been my one and only saviour in this world. It has allowed me to understand my thoughts. It has been my therapist.

But now I am at the end. I had a difficult week that completely shifted my foundation. For years I have suspected that I was not a good person. I always felt different. I always felt like I was never completely accepted into the "circles" of my friends and family. I felt like an obligatory invite a lot of the time. I really did have the sense people were annoyed with me but put up with me to be polite. I just have to admit and accept that I am not a likeable person. 

This has been soul destroying as it has made a mockery of what I thought my life was. I thought I was one thing ~ but it turns out I was nothing. People didn't want to be around me. I felt it. I felt it a lot. But I tried anyway,... My own birth parents didn't even want me. And from there over my 61 years,.. people have been leaving me in every aspect of my life. My ex husband left me. He took my kids with him and noone lifted a finger to say it was wrong. That hurt. I literally lost a piece of my soul when those girls were taken from me. And it is very hard to even want to continue on after you have lost FOUR children. 

But I did,... I did TRY my best to make a life for myself after that.

But people just kept leaving me.

I fooled myself for a long time but after asking for Hayleys help and getting her home truths I was devastated beyond repair, Her words hit me hard. And they hurt.

I hurt people. I am toxic, Now I get it,... Now I see it,... I really can see it now. hayley said I was just feeling sorry for myself saying I am a bad person. But thats not it at all. I really, really do SEE it now.

And ever since my whole life shifted. I have now realized that my whole life has been a waste.

I failed at my life. Most people succeed. but I didn't. I am leaving this world as poor as a church mouse with nothing but two daughters who won't even be in my life because I am too toxic. 

I spent the past 20 years drifting around town to town looking for a life but never finding one. Noone wanted me in it. Some did for awhile. But they all eventually saw the real me and we parted ways.

Now I am completely and sadly alone. And after Hayleys text i realize that this is exactly what I deserve. 

So,... I think it's time. There really is no point anymore. My family really isnt' coming back and I have noone else.

I can't physically look after myself anymore to the point that life has just become a tedious chore. I just don't have it in me to drag groceries home on a walker anymore,... I am too exhausted and in pain.

So it is with heavy heart I tell you all this is my last entry as no longer have any business hanging around this palnet. Theres no reason. There is nothing left to do. Infact there are way too many hours in a day that I jsut can't fill. The boredom is causing me insanity.

It is time.

Thank you all for reading but the party is over,....

This blog will be printed out and deleted next week.

Peace 

This is a hard one to write

I won't be publishing anymore blog entries after this. My world has imploded and I am left shaken and just wanting to die.

In desperation I texted hayley for help but it did not go well. I hate texting to begin with. My arms and hands are still numb with pins and needles so it is actually hard to even hold a phone let alone for an extended length of time or to text. I need to talk on the phone instead.

The other reason for this is everything I seem to textm she misconstrues. I think she reads my texts completely out of context thinking I am being "snotty" or "flippant" when in fact I am not at all. I re-read the text exchange and that is exactly what happened. 

I told her aabout losing my ODSP. She actually texted back fairly quickly with a question "are you not able to re-apply for ODSP?" I answered with no and why.  Then a few questions,... and then ~ I should be able to get ODSP throught he walk-in because she did herself. She doesn't realize she got ODSP for a completely different reason that I do. i have no idea how she got it but I think through mental healath and addiction as she was a fentanyl addict but to be fair I don't know the answer to this. I got ODSP for my fibromyalgia. So to renew ODSP ~ I have to PROVE to them I HAVE fibromyalgia and right now I can't. I have no doctor. So good for you Hayley for getting your ODSP through the wlakin but that option is not available to me. We have two completely different diabilities. Mine is physical. I need to have proof and records from doctors and specialists and I don't have that and probobly never will. Can the world just accdept that I havbe lost my ODSP and cannot get it back!!!!

To all of this I was losing my patients. For a different reason than she probobly thinks. I hate texting and she was sending me novels. I wanted to SPEAK - orally to her. I can't text. So i was getting irritated at all the texting. It was hurting my hands. AND,.... the conversation was disintegrating quickly. So I texted whatever,... which was a mistake. THAT was my frustration at texting - not at what she was saying.

And of course the conversation just went downhill from there. I learned a lot about how she feels about me. And it was HURTFUL. I couldn't bear listening to it so I lost it and told her to stop. And YES,... I was a mentally ill monster then,... I spiralled big time. At this point I realized that we werent' even reading the same book let alone be on the same page.

She hinted that I am "down here" becasue I am just a person who makes bad decisions and is a bad person. I can't even talk about what she said as it cut through my heart and I broke down. My last texts to her were ok, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. now stop. I can't take this. stop. I am sincerely sorry." She did not hold back. 

So I have come to the realiztion that she is right. I AM a bad person that no one likes. I mean it has to be true as I sit here completely isolated from the world and alone. I am a MONSTER. And today i really realized that through what HAyley said.

I'm not a mother. I'm a monster. I hurt everyone and everything I touch. I am a toxic mess that just needs to die. I don't deserve to live. Now I know why I was thrown away and left to rot. becasue I now realize I deserve it.

I deserve to live a miserable life. 

I am fucking mentally ill monster and the only thing I deserve is to DIE!

I am evil spawn. My parents were not good people and it looks like I was just the same. 

I have nothing left but hatered and disdain for myself.

I really just need to die!!!

My kids are right. I don't deserve them or a good life. I am an evil monster.

 

I feel like the clock is ticking to the end,...

I am not in good shape. My nerves are raw. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I have lost my appetite. It's weird as I get hunger pains but when I try to actually eat? the food feels like it turns into sawdust in my mouth. I end up eating about 5 or 6 bites and then throw the rest out. My stress is effecting me physically now. My blood pressure is getting out of control again and my pain level unbearable.

In desperation I texted Hayley. She texted back with a question about ODSP which I answered ~ and then nothing. It was probobly a shock for her to even hear from me let alone with this,... so I am leaving her to have time to process what I told her. I'm not expecting anything. Infact,... I have a feeling her father is going to call and be mad at me for "putting her in a bad situation". For daring to ask my child for help. (That has happened in the past - it's one of the reasons I stay away)

There was no sense reaching out to Michelle. She was MORE than adament that she wants NOTHING to do with me. And Michelle is one of those people that once she makes up her mind ~ it won't be changed. I am never going to be in her life ever again. So in absolute DESPERATION I texted Hayley. 

And now I wait,...

But honestly,... shes not in a position to help. But I was so desperate and paniced that I just need her. For support,... for someone to help me with forms and lawyers and offical things that I can't seem to do right now. Just for someone who can show me someone cares!

But mainly,... I need a new home. I will be out of here once the non-earner benefits stop. I will only have CPP as my one and only source of income. I have to pay RENT, groceries and every single thing I need in life out of $829.93. Rent in Fergus STARTS at $1400 a month. I can't even cover rent. I cannot survive once my insurance money stops. I am fucked.

I am so hurt and heartbroken that there just isn't an answer.

I have been tossed away.

I think things are at the end now. I got an email from my lawyers legal clerk and I did not like what they wrote. Basically they are blaming me for the stall. It said we tried physio - YOU didn't want to. Ummmm again ~ they are NOT understanding fibro. I CVAN'T do physio.  But they wrote you won't,... So they think,... that is just me saying no to be difficult.

I layed into her for my lawyer saying it was alright to spend that money and now I owe over $4000. She is like ohhh,... i don't know why ODSP would do that?! fuck,... they have no idea what ODSP is,... or how hard it was to get,... or how fucked I am without it. They just don't know about ODSP at all and that fucked me up so bad I lost it altogether. I am so fucking ANGRY!  You know what,... I am so angry right now I can't even write.

I am just at the end. My lawyer is not going to be a help. All he has done for me so far is made me lose my income. And the office is so blase about it they don't realize how devastating losing it is. They are clueless about ODSP and Fibromyalgia. They are NOT helping. So far they have RUINED me to the point I feel I WILL be homeless by the new year. But they wouldn't even call me back for over 2 weeks to discuss it. And now the ODSP forms deadline has passed and I missed it so I lose ODSP FOREVER ~ NEVER able to get it back as I have no doctor.

THEY FUCKED ME and they don't even care. just ,... Oh,... why would ODSP do that?

Fuck I'm done.

I'm so fucking done

This isn't a life,... it's fucking torture and I'm done being abused.

Fuck off world - I'm oughta here

So my life is fucking over

Goodbye

I have been up all night spirralling

I don't understand why noone cares? I have been SHOUTING on here for years now that I can't do this alone anymore. I need help now. I am all alone and I can't take it anymore

Where is everybody???? Why have I been thrown away and left to rot?

I am so heartbroken. That i obviosuly meant nothing to anybody,...

Where is my family? Am I such a monster? I am,... aren't I? I'm a big fucking monster that noone wants and noone cares if I live or die. infact noone will even notice

I hate that there are people reading this right now. They KNOW!!!!! They know I am feeling tortured and need HELP but noone is helping,.....

WHY HAVE I BEEN LEFT ALONE? What did I do wrong?????

What did I do wrong??

You all just read and watch and wonder if I'll "do it". This strange dark macabre curiosity. I wonder if she did it yet. Maybe your even laughing at me. What a loser,... Just do it already you stupid cunt. Just die. Just take a fuckin scalpel and slit your fuckin throat and die.

It will all be over with and you will finally be in peace.

I AM IN SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN!

Thats all I am to this world. A hidden nobody that noone cares whether I live or die. Noone will NOTICE 

All my family are going to say when they find me,... "Well I guess she finally did it,..."

When all along if they had only included me as their family ~ I wouldn't have felt like such a monster that noone could love.

How ironic,.. My family hates me because I am mentally ill,... I'm so hard to have in their life that they would rather throw me away and call me "too much - I have to self care" 

All I was ever meant to do on this planet was be a Mom. But apparently I'm such a fucking monster I wasn't allowed to be that,,

The only place for me now is the fucking bottom of the Elora Gorge,...

I can't take anymore and I just need peace.

My family isn't coming,.. Noone is coming,...

I am a fucking loser monster that noone wants.

Can I just ask? Why? Why did noone even pick up the phone? Why did noone just text or email to see if I wanted to talk? But ***crickets***

I am fucking on my own,...

You reap what you fear

I have some intense fears inside of me.

abandonment,... homelessness,... and dying alone.

And in the end all three came upon me

I was not wanted ~ over and over again so that now I am completely alone

I fear homelessness and it has happened once and now it looks as it it is going to happen again,,,,,

But the third one is the one that pains me the most. I fear dying alone.

And it now looks as if that is exactly what is going to happen.

My life was a mistake. I should never have been born. If it weren't for two entitled teenagers partying on a New Years Eve I wouldn't be. 

But I was born. On Saturday September 7th 1963. Even back then,... noone wanted me.

I wished I had never been born.

And now I only wish to die. But the biggest regret of my life will be dying alone.

Born alone - Died alone.

I must have been a horrible fucking monster

Goodbye

This might actually be my heart

I suffer from high blood pressure. I refuse to take medication as I don't want to prolong my miserable existence. My life is that bad that I am HOPING to die of a heart attack.

Over the past few months I have been noticing symptoms. 

But over the past 3 or 4 days I have noticed more severe symptoms. The most concerning being chest heaviness. I have also been having galloping heart rhythms. I feel light-headed. I just generally feel "off".

I take my blood pressure every day. Just to monitor for changes. The past 3 days there are changes.

I am not a doctor. So I can only go by symptoms and instinct. I am not decided yet whether these symptoms are anxiety or heart related. I am having panic attacks which could be the symptom of a heavy chest. It leaves me feeling like I am just about to enter into a panic attack ~ all the time! So I purposely sit down and make myself calm down. Anxiety,... right? 

My systolic blood pressure measurement is always high. (Always over 165) Which suggests more of a heart attack problem. (I am being as general as I can with this description as I don't know how to properly explain it) But my diastolic is usually only about 100. So overall,... it suggests that it is a chronic long term heart problem. Clogging of the arteries or something.

But over the past few days my diastolic has been climbing. Today it is 112. My actual reading being 179/112. This tells me something is going on. 

Diastolic is the reading you should fear as it is usually the reason a person has a stroke rather than a fatal heart attack. This would be problematic to me. I want DEATH. Not to become an invalid.

I just don't feel well at all today. 

But I refuse to call for help. If this is my heart then all I can do is hope that it causes me to have a FATAL heart attack. How sad my life is that I am HOPING for this scenario. But I am terrified of having a stroke instead. But if I do,... I guess I will just be incapacitated here in my apartment on my own (No help - no support) so would cease being able to care for myself. Depending on the degree of severity of the stroke, I could be on the floor unable to move or comprehend anything ~ or I could have a mild stroke leaving me mildly incapacitated. Either way I won't be able to take care of myself and I will probobly perish from starvation. To be found DEAD weeks later.

But I still refuse to call 911. 

Because if I do,... they may insist on "fixing" any blockages or whatever can be fixed. I don't want that. I just want to die. 

My life is so miserable I can't bear living it anymore. WHY would I fix my heart just to come back home to live this misery for yet another 20 years??? Now my heart is good,... I could live a very long life! I do not want that!!!!!!!!

No,... I will wait it out. If I have a heart attack and die ~ then my prayers have been answered.

But if I just stroke out? I guess I'll just have to risk it. 

Because here is my chance to die. 

how sad that I sit here hoping that today is the day I finally die and find peace. 

What a fucked up world we live in when I am hoping to die,...

 I am having panic attack after panic attack,…

My body is fighting severe anxiety. I am so uncomfortable

I am struggling,….

God Knows Where I Am

I have seen this documentary several times. It haunts me. I can feel such an intense connection to this woman. The lonliness,... the not being understood,... This shows the despair I feel being so isolated and hidden away from society. 

My heart aches for this woman and for myself,...

I didn't want to get out of bed today. What for? To stare at a tv for the next 16 ot 18 hours? Torture,...

I am feeling completely empty again today. The minute I opened my eyes I felt regret I was still alive. My anxiety instantly rose and right now I feel very, very uncomfortable.

I am angry at my lawyer becasue I have no idea what is happening with my case and this is causing mu a lot of undue stress and worry. I have no answers which leaves me not able to make informed decisions. AM I GETTING A SETTLEMENT? I guess I'll never know,... ***crickets*** and if this lawyer is anything like my divorce lawyer was, then I'm sure he doesn't get back to me becasue it's about $100 an hour on the phone or email. So I can't even afford to talk to my lawyer. 

My life is a joke. 

I sit here right now with a scalpel beside me. My heart is so sad,... my stress at becoming homeless unbearable,... my pain never ending. I just want it all to end. The pain,... the money problems,... the poverty,...

So today I sit here trying to find the courage to do what I need to do.

I just can't bear living this life anymore.

It's inhumane.

Please,.... give me the courage I need to find the peace that I so desperately covet.

To finally kill myself. And finally find PEACE.

Just don't want to go on

I woke up this morning already feeling despondant. When I open my eyes in the morning, a feeling of dread always washes over me. A feeling of "damn,... your still breathing" A feeling of knowing I have to fill up the next 16 to 18 hours of the day when there is nothing to do to fill them. I know how tedious and miserable that is going to be. I know my anxiety will take over,... I know that feeling in the pit of my gut will start churning,... I know my life is hopeless but I woke up breathing. So now I have no choice but to get up and deal with this day. I don't want to, but I am forced to because I'm breathing.

It's miserable outside too. Wet, foggy, gray,... definitely matches my mood. I don't even seem to have anger left in me anymore. Now I just feel empty.

I wish I had never even called that lawyer. This case has ruined me. What has it done for me so far? Lost my ODSP ~ my lifeline ~ that took 5 years to get ~ and now I will never get back. MY LIFE IS RUINED.

I don't even know how to cry anymore I'm so empty.

I just want to disappear and be gone. Disintegrate into nothingness.

I just want to be DEAD.

I just want to be DEAD

I just want to be DEAD

How can I make that happen? I need for that to happen ~ today. I just can't go on one more fucking day,....

Not the nicest of days in Fergus, Ontario, Canada

I just feel like I'm begging when I ask for help

My last post. A saying off of Facebook I reposted. 

          ************************************************

"Why didn't you ask for help?"

Because you saw I needed it and didn't offer

          ************************************************

I have NEVER ASKED FOR HELP FROM A FRIEND. I have asked for help from organizations. (ODSP, Ontario Housing) but I never ask for help from private people or charities. I used to,... but the humiliation was so great I only did it a few times. On a comment someone wrote "Well I will never offer help - they need to ask for it". So let me talk about this statement. When you are on the bottom and need help, it is absolutely humiliating and degrading. First of all you don't want anyone to know your down here. People are not always kind. Some have accused me of being down here in poverty because I made bad choices in life. I'm not going to debate the reasons I ended up poor. I'm beyond that now. I am poor. Dirt poor. So now I just have to accept it and cope.

But I will never ask anyone for help. I once went to a local church here in town as the food bank told me they help people out once a year with money. It took me 5 days to actually pick up the phone and make the call. When I did I was absolutely mortified.I did it twice and felt so badly I never went back again. I don't even use the food bank anymore. For me it is the most degrading and humbling things for me to do. To go cap in hand to someone and ask for help. I just can't bring myself to do it. 

To me ~ It's begging and that is too degrading.

So to the person who commented that she will never OFFER help,... sometimes that OFFER is the only help or support I got all year and it helped me. 

I think the person was also assuming I was talking about money. When I say I need help,... I am NOT talking about money. I am talking about emotional and physical support. NOT MONEY. If I just had a driver once a week,... my life would be so much easier.  If I had someone to talk to about all my financial issues it would certainly lighten the load. If I had someone to help me fill out the forms and understand paperwork I may have gotten the ODSP forms in. But I didn't have help so it just didn't get done.

I will never ASK for help. It's already degrading living the life I do without having to go cap in hand and beg. I just can't do it.

Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just give up my pride and become another Jenny and just go out there and ask and beg people for everything? Money,... food,... weed,... rides,... They seem to make a living at it. Riding other peoples coattails. (People piggybacking my Prime and Ancestry memberships but never offering to pay,...) Maybe I should become a professional begger. Make a sign "Please help" and just out and out beg. Is this what I have been resorted to? 

NO

I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and ask for help. Everyone knows I need it,... I shouldn't have to ask. What I would do to have help from my children,... but I will never, ever ask.

I just can't bring myself to do it.

I'm not a begger and I would rather starve and struggle than become one.

I am going downhill

I didn't get much sleep last night. My mind was spinning and I couldn't shut it down. Worry,... stress,... it's all getting a bit much now. And I can feel new symptoms. My mental health is deteriorating. I am bored out of my mind right now. But my pain level is high and the weather wet and overcast so I can't get out. I feel trapped. Caged in. I still have that 'subway driving through my veins' feeling. I just feel unsettled. Uncomfortable in my own skin. But I don't know how to get rid of it. So instead I sit here ~ feeling like I am just holding on.

The walls are closing in around me,... it's a feeling of pressure. I am going downhill,...

No physiotherapy

The physiotherapist phoned me tonight. Sunday night at dinner time, I was in the middle of eating but talked to her anyway. She wants to know what I want to do about physio. What is wrong with these people? Nothing has changed and they know it. I NEED A DOCTOR beofre I do anything. No physiotherapist is touching my body without me seeing a doctor first. AND,... not until I get on pain medication. Are they expecting me to go through physio cold turkey? Without being under a doctors supervisipn? The pain would be excruciating and I would just have to quit.

The physiotherapist was trying to convince me and was saying "we want to help but you didn't want to,..." so that tells me that they blame me for stopping physio. They don't believe I need to see a doctor before I start physio. She said she could read the MRI results herself. I don't believe her. She is NOT A DOCTOR! She also said in the very beginning that she understands fibromyalgia but she obviously doesn't if she is expecting me to do it without a doctor prescribing pain meds. She just doesn't understand the pain involved AFTER the sessions. The days I can't move and have to stay in bed. WHY IS NOONE UNDERSTANDING I HAVE FIBROMYALGIA AND I CAN'T!? I honestly think they think I just don't want to.  Now I feel like physio is pressuring me to do it. But I don't have confidance in this physio therapist as someone that knows fibromyalgia and understands its limitations. She cant if she thinks I can do physio without a diagnosis or pain meds. She just isnt' getting it. Anyone with fibromyalgia that is reading this knows EXACTLY what I am talking about. Once you fuck up fibro it's nearly immpossible to get back to where you were. And it's a long and painful journey to do it. I NEED A DOCTORS SUPERVISION AND CARE AND PAIN MEDICATION FOR THE PAIN. 

I get the feeling this physiotherapist doens't believe I need either of those things before I start.

You don't fuck around with your body when you have fibromyalgia. The consequences are way too severe. I know because I have lived with it for over 30 years. I know what I am am talking about. 

So I think my lawyer is upset with me for not continuing on with physio as he really doens't know what to do for me if I don't do it. If I'm wrong,... maybe he should pick up the phone and communicate with me because right now I have no clue what is going on.

But I know one thing for sure. I will not be starting physio without a doctor or pain medication. Even the OT through the lawyers office said I needed to be on medication. If HE knew,... then so should the therapist. I just don't trust her now with my care. I will not be going back to her. 

There is just too much going on now. This case,.. my pain,... the loss of ODSP,... no support,... it's all getting a bit too heavy now. 

I could really use some support right now,... :(  I have no one to talk to about this but this blog,... it really can be difficult having noone to get a perspective from. Because now all I am doing is thinking I am NEVER going to get better and at this point I don't even care anymore. 

NOONE is listening to me. I need a doctor and pain meds,... Why is noone listening to me????

Scared to death of the future

 ODSP wants a mound of paperwork. I didn't do it. I don't understand governemtn red tape. I don't have the energy or the motivation to get all the paperwork they need. For what? They stopped my payments anyway so what do I need to do so much paper work for? It doens't matter anyway. The deadline for it all was today ~ September 22nd. So now I;ve officially lost everything. Medical,... dental,... prescriptions,... the lot. I have not done the work so it's gone. To be honest I handed it all over to my lawyer but I don't think the legal aid did anything either so ODSP is now nothing but a memory. And I'm not getting it back. Without I am desperate. So now these insurance non-earner benefits are my LIFELINE. If it weren't for these payments I would just close this case and take the loss and move on. But now that I have lost my ODSP,... I have to hold on to these non-earner benefit payments with my dear life and I have to have an active case to receive them. But honestly,... I am sick to death of the whole thing. The accident,... my physical problems I still have from it,... working with a lawyer that I have no idea what is going on with my case,... I asked my lawyer to phone me but he didn't. His legal aid instead sent a message saying "they are working on my case". (???) 

I just don't care anymore. 

There isn't going to be a settlement. It's not that kind of case. Apparently it wasn't serious enough. (??) And if there is a settlement in the future,... WHY HASN'T ANYONE LET ME KNOW.  I seriously have no idea what is going on with this case.  Absolutely NONE! At this point I just want the payments so I can eat,.... otherwise I would be closing this case ~ taking a loss ~ and moving on.

But once these non-earner benefit payments run out. And I have been given a date of December 2025. Then what the hell do I do? I am living with this overwhelming fear that I will be homeless and not have what I need to keep a roof over my head. I already struggle - without these payments I won't survive.

And at 61 years old,... I just don't need this stress. I should be retired,... living a life of peace and family and fun. But instead I live in absolute terror that I don't know where my next dollar is coming from. This is NOT a way to live. Fear,... I actually live in FEAR that I will lose my home.

I just cna't take the stress of all this anymore. It's gotten too overwhelming. But I literally have no idea what to do. I am fucked.

I am fucked

I am fucked

I am fucked

I'm California Sober

It's Sunday morning. Coronation Street and football. I woke up unsettled this morning. I don't know why. Nothing happened. I think the overall stress of my life is catching up with me. My nerves feel raw and jangled. I get this feeling when I am going downhill. The only way I can think of to describe it is "I feel like a tiny subway train is driving through my veins" Like a vibration deep in my body. It's unnerving. I don't know why I suffer from this feeling but I have on and off my entire adult life. 

My mentally ill body needs medication. But with no doctor ~ all I have is the use of marijuana. Not ideal. I have never suffered one myself, but I have seen people come into hospital with a "marijuana induced psychosis". So I am aware that cannabis isn't the ideal answer for my needs. It definitely helps with my pain. It doesn't take it away but it gives me what I call the "cotton candy effect". It takes the sharp pain and brings it down to a bearable level allowing me to function. I have been using it for years and years and years,... but now I am getting tired of it all. The cost,... the mess,... in an ideal world I would replace it all with prescription medication. I do realize after so many years I am more than likely highly addicted to weed. So in order to come off marijuana, I would more than likely have to go into rehab. I know because I can't live without it. I AM ADDICTED TO MARIJUANA. I do not do more serious drugs. I am a recovering addict so I have to be careful what I take. Over the years,... whether right or wrong,... I choose to stop the hard drugs (prescription and opiods) and keep the cannabis. I call myself "California Sober". If I were to go to NA (Narcotics Annon.) they would not say I was sober. But in my eyes,... cannabis keeps my pain bearable preventing me from seeking out the harder drugs. So in the end,... being California sober works for me. At least right now with no doctor. I would give it up ~ but it wouldn't be easy and I would need rehab I'm sure. But I won't even consider giving it up unless I have a doctor to prescribe prescripotion medication in it's place. Without a doctor or meds,... I can't give up marijuana. 

As I sit here this morning I am in pain. I woke up in pain. I always do. So my morning routine is geared to doing whatever it takes to relieve that pain. And for me it is sitting here drinking coffee and smoking my marijuana vape. It's only after an hour that I start to get any relief. And then I have to suck on that vape all day long to keep the pain at bay. It's expensive. Vapes are $50 a piece. And I go through 2 a month. 

But,... no doctor,... no health care,... so I just do what I need to do to relieve my pain. But it is getting worse. And I am getting older and frailer and I am finding it harder to cope. I actually talked to an addict yesterday and asked for his dealers number. He didn't have a phone. He doesn't own one - he's an addict. But he said he will ask the guy for some fentanyl. Even if I don't use it to intentionally overdose - I can altleast use it to relieve pain. If I happen to overdose and die?? Then thats just a happy coincidence.

All because I don't have a doctor,...

Do you know how nice it would be to never have to deal with pain or poverty again? It looks deliciously like blessed relief and PEACE to me,... 

But society refused to allow me to do that. They prefer to leave me alone and let me suffer by myself. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. But I have to be honest here and say,... if I had the chance,... I really would take it. The pain is unbearable. But add poverty on top of that and life is just shit. Leaving it can only be relief,....

I write on here every day. I go back and forth. Back and forth. But always I come back to the same conclusion. If I had help,... I wouldn't need to end my life. But I dont' have that help do I? So maybe it's just time to face facts and realize that life is always going to be a struggle to survive. 

Maybe just best to leave the party quietly,...

It's Game Day!

It's Saturday. My favourite day of the week. It is game day! But the first game doesn't start until noon so I have some time to kill. So I am sat here with my coffee quietly watching YouTube. I actually woke up in a better mood today. I know that writing is theraputic to me so I knew that writing last night about all the gazebo crap would allow me to release it and move on. I don't know why but I have a hard time letting things go. But being a writer a therapist years ago encouraged me to write. Which I did. And I found it to be very helpful. You can purge all your thoughts without anyone judging. (or atleast I could until Darren and Tonya found this blog ~ but I still write honestly regardless of those two gossips) So when I am upset about something I will write about it. Just putting it down on paper allows me to process it. By the time I am finished writing about it I feel better. It's my way of letting things go. So last night I needed that good ol rant about the gazebo. It got it all off of my chest and I was able to go to bed and sleep peacefully. But I have decided not to go out to the gazebo anymore until this drunk guy disappears off the property for good. He's just a bad seed that we don't need hanging around. Poor Melissa. She is so 'compromised and vulnerable' that she can't see what he is really like. WE all do,... but it's none of out business. Melissa is a serial dater and has dated multiple men in our builiding and two of them are gazebo dwellers. So it's HER causing all this upset with her string of boyfrineds she brings home. I just tired of it all,... I would rather be alone in my apartment than be in the middle of all that. It's been a hard lesson in life but i am learning. JUST WALK AWAY,.... cut them out and walk away,... no drama.

So that is why I sit here this morning feeling calm. I have my coffee and I am watching my favourite couple on their catamaran journey around the world. Today we are in Australia seeing Yvettes childhood home. I love this couple. One Canadian and one from Australia. They are so calm and happy. Always smiling,... always grateful for their opportunity to travel. I find watching them calming. Almost medatative. I feel like I am travelling with them vicariously. That may sound sad to most people that my vacations are virtual and my friend is a blog. but it's all I have and I make it work.

I am determined that today is going to be a GOOD DAY!

Roll on Manchester United!

https://www.youtube.com/@sailing.supernova  

After my upsetting exit from the gazebo today I decided to just isolate. When I am upset I just want to be alone. And that is where I am as I write this. I have turned on Netflix and I've been watching a movie called "His Three Daughters". It has brought up a lot of feelings. The premise is set in an apartment. The father is dying and his three daughters have come to stay to be with him. The daughters are all very different from each other. The realtionships are strained. I could relate.

I have three brothers actually. My biological Mom had another child years after myself. His name is Tony and he lives in British Columbia, Canada. I have only met him once. We rarely communicate and if I am to be honest we really don't have much of a relationship. I also have two adoptive brothers. Dave and Glen. Both older. Something I have never shared with anyone before is that I always thought my brothers didn't like me. I came into their home when they were 4 and 6. I was laready a toddler. I didn't come as a brand new baby. I always wondered if this effected our relationship. Maybe we didn't 'bond' properly or something. My eldest brother was quite a few years older than me so we were rarely ever in the same school together. He seemed to just be around all my life but we were never close. The other brother Glen is closer to me in age. I thought we would be closer only being two years apart but I found in adulthood he just didn't seem to want to be around me. His 40th birthday party I will never forget being ignored all night by him and his friends. It really hurt and I never got over that,... I just don't think my brothers ever thought of me as their 'REAL' sister. Whether it was intentional or not,... or even if they were aware of it. But I just never felt like I 'belonged' around them. It only got worse as adults as we are all so different in nature. I defininetly didn't live up to my brothers expectations. And Glens wife later let me have a luandry list of all my faults and what they REALLY thought of me. So the feeling I had was never imagined. They really did keep me at arms length and treated me as an obligational invite becasue I was their sister and they had to. Why I never felt like I 'belonged' to them I don't know. It was just how I felt. As children not so much. Children just get on with it don't they? It was more as adults. I just felt like I wasn't a 'REAL' Morgan to them. 

But then again,... I've never felt like I belong anywhere. Not with the Holyoaks,... or the Morgans,... or the Muenchs,... no one seemed to want me in the end. I felt like a drifter. Drifting in and out of peoples lives until now ~ when I find myself alone. 

I find relationships hard. I don't understand them. I never know where I stand in them. I always feel like an obligation to my family(s). So lost,... never belonging anywhere. Just drifting,... I have no anchor to hold me down. And the foundation that I am on presently is so precarious. People need other people. But other than Joan and Tony Morgan when I was a child, I have NEVER felt like I was ever wanted or belonged anywhere,... 

If your not born into a loving family in a stable enviroment,... There but for the grace of God go I,...

Right now I feel like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards just trying to hang on. THATS how I feel my life has been. 

It's why I am so desperately wanting peace now. Just quiet peace with no drama. I would like to have a loving family in it but,... 

Back to this movie I am watching. In the end,... when he dies,... he has his three daughters surrounding him. He knows he is loved. And he can pass peacefully knowing he was loved. 

But I will never have this. I will die alone. And this is heartbreaking to me. I did so much to bring those girls into this world. And the one time I really need them,... they won't be there. I will be alone. And that breaks my heart. 

All these feelings over a movie,... 

Just a vent

This post won't be worth reading as it is me just venting. Something is going on that is bothering me. And with my anxiety it has doubled the problem. So,... no need to read,.... but here I go,....

Woman in our building who does not smoke and has never come into the gazebo ~ suddenly has a new boyfriend who does NOT live in the building but does smoke. Problem: Her old boyfriend who DOES live in our building and DOES smoke and is part of our "gazebo crowd". This gentleman for obvious reasons, does not feel comfortable sitting in there with the 'new' boyfriend AND his ex (who doesn't even smoke). I will call my friend Anthony and the new guy - the new boyfriend. (Just for clarity as I am discovering that drama is complicated to write about!) The new boyfriend is an alcoholic and drinks openly in the gazebo from early morning all day long. As you can imagine his behaviour changes the more he drinks. He does not wear a shirt. And once even went to piss in a bush. I think you can guess I do not like the new boyfriend. But I am finding that he is ALWAYS out in our gazebo. The first week I was great. The second week I noticed that a few people that normally come in - weren't. My friend Anthony being one of them, So now this new boyfrined has shoved Anthony out of the nest. Anthony is a quiet guy and wants no drama and so he just stays away. but now he has nowhere to smoke and just like Darren did to me,... he has been ostrasized. I don't find this fair but it's none of my business. it's up to the 3 of them to figure it all out. 

(Taking a sip of water,...) regrouping my thoughts,.... phew drama is annoying,...

Two days ago I got trapped alone with him and he decided to tell me he doesn't want to date this Melissa as he doesn't like her that way. He jsut wants to hang out with her. (Ok,... sounds normal so far,...) but then he says,... I like it here in the gazebo. I don't want to break up with her as I won't have anywhere to hang out anymore. Now I see the clear picture. He is USING HER. Melissa is a brain injury patient and I will say the politest way I know how - she is vulnerable. I do not like this man hanging around her. But again - none of my business. Until he made it my business. He admitted he is an alcoholic who lives with his Mom at 47 and has no frineds and likes the gazebo and wants to hang here all the time now. 

Not going to happen. He doens't live in the coumpound. I'm not even sure he lives here in Fergus. he's a bum who is using a vulnerable woman for his gain. He's another KIRK. 

So,... yesterday I stayed in all day with pain. I was not in a good mood. And I obviously wanted to be left alone. But late last night I thought I would try and sneak out for a quick vape. But guess who was out there? He wasn't at the gazebo yet. He was just walking there. So I got to the gazebo first. I did a few quick puffs on my vape and then headed back in incase he was coming. On my way back in he said hi and something else but I just muttered hi back and scurried back inside. i didn't want to speak with him or anyone at that point.

Fast forward to this afternoon,... I am still in a lot of pain. I am still not in a good mood. But around 2 o'clock I decide I will try and get out to the gazebo as I know that sometimes just getting outside can make you feel so much better. I drag myself out there and who is out there again but him. This time he is loud and shouting at me. "What the hell? You ignored me last night. Is this the way it's going to be now? You hate me so you are going to avoid me? " and he jsut wouldn't stop. I was trying to talk over him to tell him I was not having a good day but he didn't care. So I left. I had not even sat down for i minute yet before I got up and left. He called me a snob and I was too good for him. Now his girlfriend and some other lady I have no idea who it was,... were there and Melissa just laughed. She thought the whole thing was funny. The sun shines out this guys asshole for her - she is head over heels in love and is already talking to me about getting serious with him. HE has no intention of even being with her. But I say NOTHING. NOT MY BUSINESS. But her thinking that him calling me a snob and too good for everyone is not only ok but funny - is not ok with me. 

So I am now back isolated in my apartment. I am not going back out there until this asshole that doesn't even live here leaves. I talked to Anthony and he is the same. he refuses to go out there if he is out there. The new boyfriend is an alcoholic. he is inappropriate in he brings his 10 year old son into the gazebo as we somek weed with bongs. I can't tell you how many shades of WRONG that is. You don't bring a child into thiat enviroment. We just need this guy gone. 

But again,... I am staying out of it. I will instead just hibernate up here until he is gone. But poor Anthony,... he literally got kicked out of his own livingroom. (We consider the gazebo to be an extention of our apartments - it's part of our home)

Living in social housing has been the biggest stressor in my life over the past year and has literally left me suicidal. I hate living here but there is no other place to go,...

I am trapped in poverty,... pain,... social housing and charities and benefits. Most fucking humiliating existance in the world.

It has been well over 24 hours and the pain is still unbearable. I think today I will be seeking out drugs. I just can't take this overwhelming pain anymore.

And what pisses me off is no one is helping.

I seem to have 2 choices. Call 911 ~ in which case I won't go to an ER,... I will go to a psychiatric hospital. I know becasue it has happened to me nearly a dozen times. So asking for help from the medical community just isn't available. Now I am being forced to go underground for pain relief. I already smoke marijanna. But that barely even takes the edge off. I need something 50 times stonger. We have drug addicts in this building all over. I just have to ask one for the number of his dealer. 

I have tried everything but no help is coming. I am on my own.

Yesterday i was in so much pain I couldn't cook,... I couldn't shower,... I couldn't leave my apartment. I was just in too much pain. I am now at a point where I NEED HELP. I NEED SOMEONE TO LIVE WITH. I am just not coping on my own anymore and I just need help.

Help is not coming,.... becasue no one even knows I am struggling. No one knows because they don't care too. They have their own lives and I am not a part of it. 

HELP IS NOT COMING. But I just can't deal with that pain anymore,....

SHAME ON YOU SOCIETY for leaving a 61 year old lady to rot in her apartment in pain unable to care for herself anymore. But hey,... you don't have to watch so I guess you dont' have to care,... In this world if you don't have support with family,... YOU WILL NOT GET BY.

No one has to care,... so no one does,... and I have been left to rot on my own.

So fucking angry,... so fucking resentful,.... just want relief from the pain with DEATH now. 

There is not ONE POSITIVE or GOOD thing in my life

Why am I still here?

Why am I still suffering?

Why am I still breathing???

I am overwhelmed with pain right now.

 I can't bear it anymore and I just want relief from DEATH.

But if I call 911 I won't get relief for the pain ~ I will get thrown into a mental institution for daring to say the words "I can't bear this pain anymore and just want to die" so I will never be calling 911 ever again.

There is no help for me for this pain.

But I just can't bear it anymore,....

 

Another pajama day ~ ouch!

The past couple of days have been good. I got out to Walmart and the Dollar Store and Freshco,... I was outside in the gazego more than usual taking advantage of the last of the great weather. But when I woke up this morning I realized I was going to pay for all that fun. Infact I couldn't even get out of bed this morning because of pain. For some reason most of it is in my arms and hands. I have had to wait a few hours to even be able to physically type this. Today is definitely going to have to be a pajama day. *** sigh ***

But on the plus side,... I'm finally starting to feel my finger. The one that I broke in the accident. It has been numb and useless to me ever since I broke it. But here we are, 7 months later and I am just NOW starting to get feeling back into it. Both of my arms and hands are still numb with tingling as well. I have resolved myself to the fact that it's never going to get better and this is just how it's going to be from now on. My new normal. I still can't open small twist caps on bottles. I still don't have enough strength or dexterity. It's quite frustrating at times as you don't realize just how much you use your arms and hands until you can't feel them! I hold a lot of resentment because I never got healed properly from the accident. If I had had a doctor, I'm sure I wouldn't be suffering with these deficits. Very frustrating!! 

The gazebo still tends to be the problem in my life. I have no choice but to go out there to smoke. We are not allowed to smoke in our units or anywhere in the building. We ALL have to go out to the gazebo. That is two buildings of 54 units each all have to share one gazebo. So you can imagine the personalities that clash. When I go out to smoke it is for the intended purpose of a break. A bit of peace and quiet while I muffle the pain in my body. It's a time of escape. It's a time I am suppose to enjoy. But the playground games (this time I am not involved at all) become tedius. Right now it's a woman who has a new and old boyfriend coming into the gazebo. I hate having to hear other peoples business. If you have a problem? Take it out of the gazebo and leave us in peace. 

And that seems to be a problem around here. There is no place to go to get away from the drama. The community room,.. the gazebo,... every place has the "Karens" and I hate the "Karens" so I stay well clear. But now the gazebo is getting hard to be in. Oh what tangled webs we weave,.... It's like a friggin soap opera in there. It's one of the main reasons I HATE living in this building. But there is no escape. I am already on the bottom and there is no other place to go. You are broke. You are poor. And therefore you get what you get and you should just be grateful. I'm grateful,.... but I am also still very jaded and resentful I was thrown down here and forgotten about.

But,... I digress,... I am trying to stay optomistic but in my life,... and it's been proven over and over again,... I just don't get the breaks that other people get,... Once your down here in poverty, unless you are physically resued by a long lost family member or something ~ YOU WILL ALWAYS REMAIN LIVING IN POVERTY! The system seems to be designed to keep you down here. It's so depressing and leaves you with absolutely no hope for a future. It's really hard to remain optomistic in these conditions.

But for some reason,... as much as I want to just disappear. There is still a small flicker of light deep within me that is forcing me to continue on. I suppose as long as that light flickers, I will continue to fight. But I know in my heart things are never going to get better and I am always going to struggle for every basic need and I will always be living off of charities and benefits. It's a humiliating way to live.

Thanksgiving is coming. But I don't look forward to it. It will be just another day to me. Alone eating cereal or a hamburger. And THIS is the reason I want to end my life. What kind of life are you alone for every holiday??? A sad one,... that's what kind of life I have. A sad one,...

 

Another gorgeous sunny day!

Another gorgeous sunny day! I hope to be able to walk to Walmart today to get some supplies. My pain has subsided a bit since yesterdays flare up so I should be ok to walk. I want to try and be outside as much as I can now.

I forget to mention yesterday the best part of the day. I got to hold a baby. A cherubic little boy with blond hair and blue eyes and the most affectionate smile. It was the first time I have held a baby in over 10 years. I love babies. I always have. It's why I miss my granddaughter so much. So holding this little guy seemed to rejuvenate me. His adorable fat little feet,.. his eyes filled with the wonder of the young,... I didn't want to let him go. This is the mother I was concerned about coming into the gazebo last week. I don't dislike this woman. Infact shes quite sweet. I just don't like her bringing her baby out into the smoke filled gazebo. So instead of making a scene, I instead asked her if she would mind if I had a cuddle with him. And while I did, I just slowly kept creeping outside of the gazebo until I was outside away from all the smoke. Then I asked for a chair and I sat out there with him. I told her the sun was in his eyes so I was going to sit out there in the shade with him. Now,... we are all happy. Mom can have her smoke and I get a cuddle with an adorable baby. I told her I know she doesn't know us very well, but we would all be happy to watch her little guy for bits here and there if she wants to go out to the gazebo. I know what it's like as a young mom and it can be isolating and lonely. She is single so it's made even worse with no help from a partner. So I'm sure she would appreciate some time away from the little guy. So I hope she takes us up on it (myself and a couple of the older ladies offered). I really don't feel comfortable watching a baby sit in marijuana and tobacco smoke. But I get that the mother is lonely,... so I think this is a good compromise. and,... I GET TO CUDDLE A BABY!

And this morning,... I didn't wake up angry or unsettled. I woke up normal. That hasn't happened in a long time. maybe it's a sign the my stress level is dropping. (One can hope)

I still hate living here in this building and desperately want to move away from here. But I do realize that will probobly never happen. So I guess I will just have to try and make do. Or maybe I should put an add out,...

     "Single senior lady looking for accomodation. I have very little money and can only pay peanuts for rent. But I am like a pool barracuda. You set me free in your home and I just clean,... You won't even know I am there. If you have a room for me please get in touch. FYI: I am mentally ill and have physical deficits but that just adds to my charm. Give me a home and I will clean it. Just give me a home please"

I don't even dare go on dating sites. "Poorest of the poor lady wants to meet a man with a Harley and a home so you can take care of me,..." Don't think that would attract anyone. I actually did try dating sites many years ago but quickly realized it's only for booty calls. Not one man was on there for a relationship. Almost all of them were MARRIED looking for sex. I have always hated that. It's seedy and creepy and I just felt "ICK" so I stopped looking. Besides I have nothing to offer a man so I don't even look for one,... Infact having a man in my life is the absolute LAST thing I need. Instead I need money,... a new "safe" place to live and help with getting groceries. What I don't need is another KIRK cheating and lying and just messing with my head. I'd rather be alone with my cat.

But if there is a sincere man out there with a motorcycle and loves football then definitely hit me up with a message. Bikes and football,... you can't go wrong.

I had a good day

I had a good day. I don't get to say that very often. But it's now 6:45pm and I have managed to fill up every hour and not only not be bored,.. but actually had some enjoyable moments.

The interview went well and she asked if I would like to continue on with the documentary. Of course I agreed. It sounds like a big project so I don't know about time. How long or quick it will start. But I'm looking forward to it. I'm very anxious but confident I can get over that. Part of my segment is about being unwell with mental illness so they are aware of my limitations. So fingers crossed,... this is going forward.

On top of this good news I just had a good day all around. I spent quite a bit of time outside in the gazebo. The weather is just too nice to justify sitting inside. Apparently others felt the same as there were a few others out there too. So we just sat and chatted and whilled away the time. Only getting hungry eventually dragged me back inside the dungeon. I have to get outside as much as I can right now. The leaves are already beginning to turn colour. Fall is just around the corner. And although it is my favourite season of the year, it is not always ideal for being outside with a walker. So I intend to soak up as much fresh air as I can.

I have been hanging out with a young girl from Traverse in our building. Which I didn't want to as they all eventually leave. But she is nice and we get alone well. We said today we're going to start getting together for dinner once a week. Kind of like I did with Darren. (Please don't let this turn out to another Darren). I think just having someone to cook for once a week will help me mentally. Time and being alone are my enemies right now. I need things to do. I need human contact. I need to start getting out of this dungeon! The cabin fever and boredom are slowly stealing my sanity.

But if I could have more days like I did today? I could live with that,...

Trust the Gen Z generation

I was always taught "If you don't have anything nice to say,... don't say anything at all". Of course I'm Irish so that doesn't always work. lol But yesterday I ran into a situation where even I was at a loss for words. When I hear something "awkward" I usually just shut up. Ignore. Pretend I didn't even hear it and look the other way. So when someone asked a 'visitor' in our gazebo about his daughter he said he had her when he was thirteen. And the mother was 26. Thirteen!? Twenty six!?I admit I rasied my eyebrows but I didn't utter a word. I wasn't going there,... but trust the younger generation. A young girl immediately piped up "Ew,... thats disgusting. She should be in JAIL!" which as you can imagine made the whole gazebo stop and everything went quiet. I literally looked at the ground and wished it would open up and swallow me whole. Then I tried smoothing things over and said casually "Well I certainly don't agree with it but I guess the '70's were a different time,..." and thenI flashed my friend a look to say "shut up - this can't go well if we don't drop it" which she did. But this is what I mean by the mentality of folk here. This guy didn't actually live here. He is the boyfriend of one of the women who does live here. But he is a smoker so he has to come to the gazebo to smoke. That whole situation was very, very uncomfortable and I think if I hadn't said anything it could have gotten ugly. This happens a lot in the gazebo. Too many different age groups,... (16 to 90) different personalities,... and the age old problem of the tobacco smokers against the weed smokers. (I am a weed smoker ~ can't stand tobacco!) The tobacco smokers can't stand us in there. But we have no choice. We are told we HAVE to use the gazebo if we want to smoke ~ anything. So with so many apartments using it as well as visitors to the building, the gazebo can become a bit of a tense place. The other situation is this woman used to date a regular gazebo smoker. Now she brings her new man into the gazebo pushing our friend out as he doesn't feel comfortable. It's playground games. It's why I spent the past year avoiding it as much as I could and hibernating away insteaad for a break from it all. It can become quite stressful out there at times. 

Conflicting personalities. We have so many in this building,...

I am up early today. The woman I had the phone interview with last week contacted me again to arrange an in-person interview as well. And that is happening here at one o'clock this afternoon. So as you can imagine my anxiety is at an all time high. I cleaned like the OCD Queen I am so that this morning I woke up in severe pain. I did way too much. Damn. But I will just pop a few tylenol and hope for the best. I can't vape yet as I don't want to be under the influence for an interview. I would like to have a clear and sober mind. So Tylenol will have to do. I do hope I can show just how some people fall through the cracks of this society and really suffer without health care. I'm quite glad this production company has chosen to do this.

 

My apartment is a depressing display of beige walls and broken furniture. Everything I own has been handed down or bought in the sales. When you walk into my unit, you know you are looking at poverty.

I took everything down off of the walls last year. I packed all my fun stuff away. Pillows,.. art,... anything that showed my personality at all has been removed. I don't want to stay here so I have packed most of my stuff away in boxes already. In the hopes of moving,... And over the past year I have thrown a lot away as well. This past year has left me suicidal. So I was literally 'taking care of loose ends" before my death, This way, my girls won't have much to do when they clean my apartment out. I have done it already.

But after a year I realize I'm not going anywhere. This life I am TRAPPED in won't allow for me to leave this building. But spending day after day in this gloomy depressing apartment is really taking it's toll. Everyday I sit here watching tv I have to see the glaring poverty. My livingroom wall unit door broken,... my carpet thread bare and stretched out of shape. I have bed sheets hanging over my windows. I am short (5'2") and even with my little ladder I cannot reach above the window so I have never been able to hang curtains properly. Instead I have MacGyvered bed sheets and random curtain panels together just to keep out the light. But it looks awful, Infact my whole apartment looks awful. And every day I sit in here I get more and more depressed. What I need is a complete overhaul of this livingroom. New furniture,... new carpet,... new curtains that are hung properly,... I need a fresh start. But I know this is never going to happen.I need a bag full of money and a man to do the DIY jobs. But neither one of those is ever going to fall into my lap so instead I guess I have to make do with what I have.  ***sigh*** 

Being poor is not only hard financially for basic needs. Being poor also affects your mental health. Sitting here with nothing in an apartment straight out of "Grey Gardens" is just so oppresive. You can't get well living in this apartment. It screams isolation,... poverty and lonliness. FAILURE. But who has the money to change anything?

Welcome to the life of poverty. What I would do for a livingroom makeover,... but the poor and forgotten don't get makeovers. They just get forgotten.

Queen Elizabeth II called 1992 her “annus horribilis,” or horrible year, in a speech marking the 40th year of her reign, saying: “1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis'.  Those words couldn't better describe my 2024. So Queen Lizzy,... I am stealing your quote. Because 2024 has definitely turned out to be my Annus Horribilis. 

It started with the bust up of Darren and I and it just got worse and worse from there. Hanging out with Darren for the few years I did changed me. Over the few years that we hung out I found myself matching his dark demeaner. I became dark and negative. It was an unhealthy realtionship. (Just a reminder we were just friends) And after his dsigusting behaviour I retreated into my apartment for a good 6 months licking my wounds. But it's been a year now.And I can feel myself getting lighter,... brighter,... my mood is more positive and I am much more motivated. It makes me look back and question waht the hell was I thinking hanging out with this dark, ragy kid half your age? Well I know why I did actually. I was lonely and being with this dark kid was still better than being alone. He passed the time. But I didn't realize that the more time we spent together,...I was changing. And it took a whole year of not being around him to even see that I had changed. Dark,... negative,... But now that seems to have lifted once again and for the first time in a very long time I am slowly starting to feel like my old self once again. Pre-Darren Green. Funny how people can chameleon into their surroundings. He is a dark and ragy and negative person and in the end it rubbed off on me. He was literally making me unhealthy. But now,... I feel better. 

I walked out to the gazebo tonight happy. The weather is perfect and it was a beautiful night to sit outside. But Darren was out there. Normally I would just go back inside and not bother but tonight I went out anyway. And of course he got up and left. As he walked by I got this feeling. For the first time I felt NOTHING. No embarrassment becasue he got up and left,... no anger for how he has treated me,.. nothing. So i giggled. Becasue as he walked by I realized that he no longer has any effect on me whatsoever. I am free of Darren Green and that thought made me break out into a huge grin and I giggled. Which he heard and muttered his normal nasty toxins but it had NO EFFECT. I could care less about Darren Green. So now I know it's over. I can't be responsible for his behaviour but for me I just hink it's humurous his grudge and how badly he wants to make me look bad. I don't know what has changed inside of me to fianlly release me from him but I have. And I feel great. Now the only people to get up and walk out when I come in is him,... his buddy Marc (who I don't even know so thats not a hardship) and Judy. Why Judy has chosen to side with him I will never know but for the first time in a year, I don't care. It just doesn't effect me anymore. Infact,... Judy was riding around the parking lot while we were all in the gazebo having a nice time. She could have joined us but becasue Darren has told her to hate me she wont come in. It's sad. Her and i were friends long before Darren ever came in the picture. So although it was hurtful she turned her back on me,... it no longer bothers me. 

I feel free.

And this can only be good news. My whole depression and anxiety stems from the stress and unhappiness of living here. But maybe,... after a year of hibernating,... and things having time to settle down,...I can dip my toe back out into the world again. 

I have spent a lot of time outside the past few days. The weather is awesome and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can before the bad weather starts to settle in and I can't get out. And sunshine is a natural anti-depressant. Getting out more has done me good. I plan on doing as much of it as I can before it gets too cold.

Do I dare hope? I have hoped before only to be disappointed. But maybe,.. with baby steps,... I can find a path.

?

The walls feel like they are closing in on me. I was awoken again this morning by the loud neighbour upstairs. Six o'clock! What is he doing at six o'clock in the morning that it requires banging!? Arghhhh! This is such a frustrating situation because we all know that an eye for an eye will just start a war. This guy lives on the top floor so HE doesn't have anyone living above him making noise at all. So he NEVER has to put up with noise from anyone. Everyone below him - DOES. I used to think he just didn't realize how loud he was being not having to hear it himself living on the top floor. But then he made two rude gestures into my doorbell camera awhile back (flipped the bird,...) so that tells me he was saying "I know I am annoying you and it's fun and I'm not going to stop" He laughed in the camera. So you can't fight that. He just wants a fight. So instead I have to ignore it the best I can. But when you are woken up out of a deep sleep because someone is PURPOSELY banging just to annoy you ~ it's hard to think kind thoughts about this person. He has really effected my sleep. In my life,... sleep is a blessed escape from the misery. So I try and get as much of it as I can. But as you age you seem to need less sleep and lately I average about 4 to 5 hours a night. The problem seems to be I can't usually fall asleep until two or three in the morning. So you can imagine how frustrated I get to be woken up to banging at six o'clock. Because once I'm up - I'm up. I can't fall back to sleep. So here I am, Saturday morning up at six o'clock! I have tried talking to him,... I have tried talking to his caregivers,... I have tried everything I feel I can. But this man ENJOYS the "game" as he knows how much it irritates me. He laughs when I get irritated,... how do you fight that? The only thing I can do is ignore it. But damn,... I just want a full nights sleep without stomp, stomp, scrape waking me up,... Just ONE NIGHT.

But the good news is it's game day and I had to be up fairly early anyway as Manchester play at 7:30am. So I have my coffee and I am trying to calm down from being so rudely woken up. My anxiety is so high,... I wish I could just let things go but noise really irritates me. Especially when you know it's not accidental but on purpose. I hate this building. As I type this he is stomping around above me,.... *** sigh *** probobly smiling because he knows he can and theres nothing anyone can do to stop him. 

But I am going to put a line under it. I will just turn the volumn up on the game and drown him out.

Ok,... I am conscously taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling,... phew,....  calming right down. Expelling the bullshit and inhaling the calm,... Now,... that I have purged it out I can now sit quietly and enjoy my coffee and the game.