Trying to make a fresh start

Holiday Monday. Canada Day. Well, officially July 1st is tomorrow but I think all the celebrations are today. I was going to walk downtown with a friend this afternoon but now I have Amazon deliveries I have to stay home and wait for. I was on-line yesterday ordering everything I gave away and need to replace. I have to admit that it is hard to re-buy stuff you know you just gave away only two months ago. I had to re-order all my curtains and the hardware that goes with it. I had to order a tv and another stand,... a coffee table,... an end table,... a carpet with underpad (which was more expensive than the carpet itself?). A microwave,... a kettle,... I even need to re-buy a ladder as I gave 2 away. I need it to hang all my new curtains. It just feels like a waste of money to have to rebuy things I bought within the last 3 years. A bit heart-breaking to watch my settlement money disappear so rapidly. I actually just went on to my Amazon account and went into my past orders and just re-ordered a lot of stuff. I think I have pretty much everything I NEED now except pots and pans. I still can't even cook as I don't even own a pot or pan. I have been slow in re-ordering them as I just loved my old ones. My Mother had given me some Governors Table pots and pans and they were awesome and would have lasted me a lifetime. Instead ~ I gave them all away on the promise of a pipe-dream. Now ~ I have spent $3,566.80 just starting over ~ so far. I can't help feeling like it is all a waste. Everytime I click on "Place your order" I cringe. Waste,... waste,... waste,...

I still haven't even got food in. I got vouchers for Zehrs grocery store but I can't get there and back. I could walk there (although it's way on the other side of town) but I would have to take a taxi back as I couldn't carry it all. We only have ONE taxi in town (I know???) so when you order it - it could take up to 45 min to an hour!!! My food would all thaw and perish. I may have to walk there and then only buy non-perishables and just try and walk it all home on my walker. Not ideal but I am desperate to get some groceries in ths kitchen. I am living on cereal at the moment.

And in doing all of this 'fresh start' I can't help thinking I will be losing it all again within the year as I can't afford the rent. Once the settlement money runs out - I have to live on $851.51 and I just can't. I have tried and it's not possible. I will lose this apartment due to inability to pay rent. So in some ways, I am buying all these new things thinking I am just going to lose them all over again in a year,...

Living a life of poverty is so demeaning and humiliating. 

I have started pulling away from people. Knowing I am hated really hurt me. So I am trying to distance myself from those I still have in my life as I will probobly just piss them off too at some point. I am done hurting people and the only way I know how to do that is to not have anyone in my life anymore. If it's only me ~ I can't hurt others.

So i've stopped answering the phone and texts. I am a mentally ill monster and it breaks my heart I have hurt so many people. It's just too hard to live with that. So I think for everyones sake, I just need to keep myself to myself and not be involved with anyone anymore. Protect the world from my mental'ness.

The mentally ill monster. I guess I was born to be alone. As I have been already for 25 years. Now I have to isolate completely.

Protect the world from the mentally ill monster!!!!!!!!

I hurt people and need to be punished with solitude and lonliness for the rest of my life.