I literally have to find faith

My life is so chaotic right now that I can't keep up. Desperation. That is a word I would never have wanted to use in my life but that is how I have felt the past 2 weeks. Desperate. If it wasn't for the comments of my subscribers and the kindness of the people I have met here in Crofton, I know I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have given in days ago. And this morning I was seriously planning for my last night. Desperation makes me not think rationally. 

So when I packed up all my dirty laundry into my carry on luggage bag, I was feeling really down ~ desperate. But I try not to show that so I tried to be as perky and nice as I could when I did my laundry at the laundromat here in town. As I walked outside to wait for my load to wash I passed by a place called "Warmland Church". It was just a storefront so I had missed it before. Today,... I hesitated as I walked by. And then something drew me inside. There was noone around so I almost gave up and left. But something again made me walk in furthur until I heard voices. I then met the pastor of the church.

I don't know why I went in there. I am "miss angry at God" remember? So when the Pastor asked what brought me here, I told him,... I am really angry at God right now! and then burst into tears. And once I had calmed down I told him my story. And I don't know if this whole path has been fate or just a mix up of coincidences but this was the step I needed to take.

The Pastor spoke with me for awhile. Then he took my phone number and promised me he would call me. He knows I only have one more night in the Croft Inn so I am hoping that the Church can help with housing - even if it's temporary. But more importantly, I think I needed to be connected to some good people. And these people look like good folks. As I was leaving, he very subtly handed me $. I felt like a begger and felt shame. But I accepted it. I then left and got a slice of pizza and a glass of Ice tea. It felt so niceto eat good food. But I still feel weird about accepting cash right out of someones hand. It sure doesn't leave you feeling very much pride.

So again fate (coincidence?) has brought me to help.

And after having a shower and putting on CLEAN clothes, I felt better. My desperation is starting to turn to just fear. Dare I cling on to this hand out-stretched to me?? I have such a fear of trusting now,.. But I have no choice right now. I literally have to find faith. And maybe this is where I will find it,...