This is my life now.

I was angry and I needed to get out of this room. So I went outside to the parking lot to smoke a joint to calm down. I was alone at first. But then a guy showed up. Sketchy wouldn't even cover how this guy looked.  Any other time, I would have left. Common sense and fear would have made me leave. But I was angry. This guy was just circling,... skulking,... I knew he was going to do something. And when he took a step towards me ~ and maybe he just wanted to talk? But I doubt that very much. I was already so angry at my life imploding that I just looked at him with what probobly looked like 'crazy woman' and said "Buddy, you lay one hand on me and I can guarantee it will be the last fucking thing you do,...". He took off. But THAT is how angry I am.

Today I got $3000 deposited into my bank account. $900 is already gone. 

I have no clothes right now. Not even a bra. So this morning I hopped on a bus to go to Walmart. I say 'hop' on the bus but having a walker made it difficult. You would think in this day and age walkers would be common but no,... I had to pick up and drag my walker multiple times today. No disability help at all. So in doing that I have bruises all over me. On top of the bruises already there from carting my luggage all over. Banging into my shins. I look like I have been in a fight or something with bruises everywhere. However,... I digress,... Once at Walmart I had to replace so much. I had to get 2 pairs of pants, 2 tops, 4 pairs of underwear, 8 pairs of socks and a bra. I also bought a jacket because I was freezing coming here from the airport the other night as I no longer own a jacket. I ended up spending $350. And I didn't buy 'good' stuff. Just typical Walmart wear. (there were toiletries in there too)

I am hungry. Everything costs so much i would rather starve. I have been really thirsty lately so I went to buy an Ice Tea. $4.00  everything I buy is over priced. My precious money is running through my fingers like water. My settlement will be gone before I know it. So I thought I would go to get food from this place I was told about. But when I got there, there was a line up all the way around the block. Forget it,....

I am not lining up to beg for food

I am washing my 'smalls' in the sink every night. I have a shower if I have a hotel room that night but my clothes are dirty so I am sure I smell.

I am severly sunburnt. To the point I hurt. I have a rash under my boobs which will not go away. My hiatic hernia has been grumbling causing me a lot of pain. And I STILL can't feel my right arm or hand which is really pissing me off now.

I am miserable

When I fled BC with what I could carry,... I left behind my meds. 3 months worth of meds. So I've decided once again not to bother taking them. I just want to die now so why make my blood pressure better???? 

And looking into rentals? I'm going to be rude and tell it like it honestly is. I mean no offense but Indians have bought up all the apartments and advertise them on Marketplace and it shows a price per month. But when you contact them,... they are Air BnB's. There are NO apartment rentals anywhere becasue they have all been bought up and are now for rich people. 

There is no housing out there anymore. How they get away with advertising monthly costs to make us think they are rentals I dont know. But 14 times i contacted an apartment only to have an Indian broker/real estate person want to rent it as an Air BnB. 

So I KNOW I'm never going to have my own placeever again. By the looks of things I can't even afford a room in shared accomodation. I am that DIRT fucking poor. And I don't want to live with a stranger. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN

So I have been networking all day only to find out there is nothing out there.

Now I sit here ~ still angry ~ but also despondant. Becasue I now now that my future holds nothing but shelters and homelessness and SEVERE POVERTY

So i sit here looking at my fentanyl and it is calling me. I no longer want to be homeless and have to line up around the block just for the chance to BEG for food.

My life is over. I am a smart girl and I can see it. i am NEVER getting anythign like I had in the past ~ back. Its over.

So I leave you all. 

Ande I hope that Dianne Mattin and her imaginary BnB rots in hell. Along with the bully who lied me right out of the building I had. I hope both of these women rot in fucking hell.

Becasue in the end,... I DID NOTHING WRONG. Yet I am the one homeless.

This world is nothing but cruel now.

And I refuse to DEGRADE myself one more day. I did nothing wrong to deserve this. And it pisses me the fuck off that Dianne Mattin and Tonya Halls get to live on and not even care what they have done.

I apologize to whoever finds me.I did think hard about where to do this. I know it will be upsetting if not traumatizing for someone but even though I used to care about others ~ i dont anymore.

They can just find me dead and deal