I give up

I am sat in the Guelph Public Library. The motel I am staying in has very weak internet and I can't even watch tv or blog. It's quite frustrating as I paid to go into a motel not just for the bed and shower, but for the internet so I can spend the day networking. So not having any internet has left me frustrated. I can't even watch tv to pass the time as the internet is so weak it keeps kicking me out of a show I am watching every 3 or 4 minutes. It's just too frustrating to watch. 

I have given up ever finding a place of my own. It's never going to happen. If I go into Ontario Housing again I am on the bottom of the list. I now have to wait 5 to 8 YEARS to get back into Ontario Housing. And to think I gave it up willingly because I trusted Dianne. The only thing left is market value rentals which start at about $1700 and go all the way up to $3000. That isn't feasable for me at all. 

I have been priced right out of living.

So I have given up. I am going to spend what remaining time I have in this dive of a motel. And then,... if nothing materializes,... I am giving up. It's just too hard work being homeless.

I have given up taking meds again. I am eating only one meal a day as thats all I can afford. I'm not drinking water as the tap water in the hotel smells funny and bottled water is $4 a bottle. So I am constantly thirsty and hungry.

Read that again ~ I am constantly thirsty and hungry

I feel like I have given this a fair fight. But I have researched and there are NO AFFORDABLE housing in this country. NONE

And if there is no place for me ~ where I can live alone and not with strangers ~ then I don't wish to continue living. I think you all can see I fought and fought and fought,.... but in the end,... you can only fight so long before your beat up. I have hit a wall and can't go on. 

This is not a life. I am MISERABLE. And my own children know I am here but are too busy to even talk to me. Hayleys last text the day I flew into Toronto reads "I was just about to go to let you know I'm going to bed I have to be up at 4:30 so I will talk to you tomorrow" That was 3 days ago. I can't help thinking she feels I'm just a pain in the ass she has to deal with. But doesn't want to. She keeps in touch but here I am ~ hungry and thirsty and miserable ~ yet noone can help me with getting food and water???? 

I just feel I am a burden to everyone. Drama,... the mentally ill monster fucks up again and we have to pick up the pieces,... but of course they don't. They never pick up the pieces. They hide while I go through it. Communicating enough to make it look like they care,... but come on,... I am just down the road from her and she hasn't' even texted me back. So I cna't help feel she is just too busy for her Mom.

And if my own kid is too busy for me,... noone else is going to help.

So I have made my decision. I refuse to live in shelters. I refuse to be homeless. 

I DID NOTHING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS

So if noone comes to pick me up and save me ~ I am giving up.

Everyone has their limit and I reached mine over a week ago.

I just can't go on.