Everything is all gone

I have left the Croft Inn for good. I just didn't have the money to get another night. So I packed up everything that I own in this life and realized I could only carry a precious few things on my walker. So I have had to leave all of this behind. Two large suitcases with all the clothes I own. 5 boxes with all my memories, photos and most important the clothes and photos of my dead sons Shawn and Ian ~GONE! Every photograph I chersihed ~ gone. My boots,... shoes,... slides,... everything ~ GONE. My whole life is GONE. I dont even own a picture

I got fed up of being stuck in Crofton. I am bleeding money by staying here. So I packed what I could carry which was the bare necessities. A backpack with my devices in it and my purse. I put them on my walker and I started to walk to Nanaimo. There is a bus strike so no buses. I was just so done being there I just started walking. And I walked along the highway. I walked and walked and walked for miles and miles. I am burnt to a crisp. I am hungry. I don't know how far I had gotten when a young kid pulled over and gave me a ride. He drove me all the way to Duke Point ferry in Nanaimo where I caught the ferry to Vancouver. 

I have no jacket - just a small tank top. I took the bus from the ferry to the skytrain which I took into the city centre. I looked everywhere for a place to stay for one night. All I could find was one night at the Best Western costing a fortune. I had to call a friend to borrow their credit card to get me one night in this hotel. I didn't check in until 8:00 tonight and I have to be out first thing in the morning. $350 ~ gone.

Now I am stuck in Vancouver with no plan. I need to come home but where to??? Noone has been able to help. Not Hayley,... noone. So I have done all this work and spent all this money,... for what??? To hop on a plane back to Ontario to NOWHERE TO GO again! Homeless again. Noone can seem to take me in!!

So i am sitting here deciding. Take the fentanyl and get it over with,... or somehow keep fighting to come back to Ontario to nothing. To start completely over again. I have no bed,... no tv,... but worse,.... no clothes. No jackets,... nothing. Do I even want to bother? When noone can take me in and I will just be on the street again????

I have the fentanyl and it would be so much easier than the struggle of surviving homeless in a place I don't want to be. 

I need one person to get in touch and say ~ just come home. Once here you can stay with me until you figure it out. But noone has done that.

I am fucked.

I am fucked

I am fucked

I have no settlement money yet and even when I do,... no credit card to buy a plane ticket or a a hotel room. This planet is fighting hard to get me to just give up and take the fentanyl.

How easy that would be,....

Becasue even coming home ~ I dont see a life for me with nothing.