The reason I write in this blog so often now, is I use it as my sounding board. I am literally talking to myself. And whenever I need to talk,... I have to blog. And with the past 2 weeks being so overwhelming, I have needed to 'talk to myself' a lot.
This blog was origianly intended for my travels through life with a mental illness. To showcase how my life is different than others because my mental illness causes me to do things differently. I was told by a therapist that my trauma causes me to think differently. When something happens,... I panic and go from A to C,... whereas 'normal' people go from A to B. I skip the 'rational' B and go to C. I'm not good at explaining this but it explains why I do things differently than others.
I have had a lot of comments from my subscribers lately. Not bad comments. Motivational comments. But they also give me advice too as I think they can see how up and down my moods get leaving me thinking irrational. It concerns my readers.
But THIS is what living with mental illness is. Trying to navigate bad situations with a different brain than everyone else. It can be hard. It can make me feel like I am a failure and that I do everything wrong. It's why I need to be back on medication for it. (again - no doctor). So instead I flounder through un-medicated.
I have come to think that if I wanted to REALLY die, I would have taken the fentanyl already. But I actually don't want to die. I just want out of a horrible situation I feel trapped in. Death seems to be the only escape somethimes. I just get so down and pessimistic.
But the thing I have noticed living here is I can always rejuvinate my spirit by simply walking the boardwalk each day. I don't know if it's the beauty of the landscape. Or the people that are so laid back and friendly. Maybe it's just nature rejuvinting my soul. But this morning I felt hopeless. But after my visit to the Church, I went for a long walk along the boardwalk. And each step seemed to make me stronger. Every breath of the fresh ocean air seemed to breath new life into me. Like it was wraping around me with a comfort and hope I have never felt before. I really do feel like this is home to me. Unfortunately,... my wallet doesn't match my dream. And here lies the conflict.
So I sit here this afternoon feeling both hope and fear. My illness wants me to run,... take the fentanyl. But the other part of me wants to live. I really, really want to live. I just don't know how being so poor.
My mind is in constant conflict. Do I end my life and find peace? Or do I fight? Right this very moment? I want to fight. But tonight I have a roof over my head giving me confidence. What happens tomorrow at 11:00am check out when I am standing there with all my wordly possessions but nowhere to go. Homeless again. Street homeless,... if that happens I can see myself ending it. But I atleast owe it to myself to wait until that actually happens before I do anything drastic.
I am strong. I have had to be to get this far in life. But I have struggles that others don't have. Mental illness is a killer. And I ride that ride everyday.
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