I knew I was tired. I haven't had a great sleep in a very long time. But last night I went to bed - thinking I was going to be tossing and turning all night again with everything on my mind - but instead I fell into the deepest of sleeps and I didn't wake up until ten o'clock this morning. And for the first time in a very long time I feel refreshed. I think going into town yesterday and clearing up all those loose ends I had worrying me did the trick.
I have anxiety. It is part of my mental illness. And anxiety causes me to worry about everything. I find most nights my mind won't shut off and I ahve a difficult time falling asleep. There are nights I want to punch myself in the head just turn my brain off!! But not last night. Last night I felt peaceful. And I haven't felt that in a long time.
I woke up smiling again. Despite all the problems I have encountered I am still so grateful to have this apartment back. The painter came in this week and gave it a coat of paint. There is still nothing in it but a few odds and ends Debra managed to find for me and give back. She had put a few things in storage and thankfully that meant I got them back. A table, filing cabinet, a few odds and ends for the kitchen. It isn't much but it was MINE and I really apprecited getting them back. I can't thank Debra enough for what she has done for me over the past 6 weeks. The woman has been a saint. And she doesn't even know about this blog let alone read it. But I have to give credit where credit is due and that woman has been wonderful.
To my subscribers leaving me advice. Thank you. My mind has been literally all over the place and I haven't been very rational in my thinking on how to problem solve. A few of my readers have commented with suggestions. I read them,.. and I listen. And I do take your advice so thank you. Sometimes my readers are my lifeline as I have noone else.
So YES,... I will be going back to Amazon for my needs. I always did in the past. WHY I choose to go to BestBuy I will never know as I have always been happy with Amazon. So it's back to ordering my essentials from Amazon. As soon as I have money I will be getting a bed in a bag and a microwave. Those are the 2 things I need the most right now.
But really, I have discovered that you dont actually need a lot. At my age I don't want to be refurnishing an entire apartment. I am quite happy only having just what I need. A bed, chair or loveseat with a tv to watch. And in the kitchen a microwave and a coffee maker and pots and pans. Everything else is just icing on the cake. I would love to get a rug again as it does cut down on the noise but I realize that is a luxury I may not be able to afford again. No worries,... my motto now is "Oh well, I'll go without,..." and I do and I live and life goes on. In the end it's just 'stuff' isnt' it? So Once I have my basic needs I will be happy.
Once you have lived homeless ~ you never complain about what you haven't got anymore. Being homeless is very humbling. I now appreciate the basics. Food, water, a shower, a locked door to an apartment that is just yours. These things are not mandatory - they are a priviledge that I have learned thousands of otheres don't have. I saw thousands of homeless. And a lot of them have been homeless for YEARS and will probobly never have a place of their own. It's just an ugly fact of life.
So to know that Housing (and you ladies kow who you are) bent over backwards to advocate to get me back into this apartment. That does not happen for everyone. So having it happen to me only leaves me GRATEFUL. And I will never complain about not having something ever again.
So waking up so late this morning must mean I feel safe and secure once again leaving me able to sleep better.
I lost so many people ~ but I also learned what others will do to help others. Right from leaving BC to here, strangers and the handful of friends I still have in this building all helped me. THOSE are the people I will always remember and always feel such gratitude towards them. All the others who 'accousted me' when I came back?? I can't change their opinions of me but I can choose how I react and I have been literally walking around with my head down and not saying a word to any of them. I do not invite conflict. And if they start drama I walk away and that is THEIR issue.
I no longer play on the playground. I have new life and I don't have the time or energy for their silly games.
I plan on changing. I need to walk every single day. I did in BC and it really helped. I love nature and nature feeds my soul. Everytime I go outside and sit in nature, I feel like my soul is replenishing me with strength. So no more sitting in here watching tv hiding from a bundh of people who WANT drama and conflict. Sorry folks - no longer playing. I have places to go and nature to see,...
There is no MLS football on today. It's international break which means the players all go to their home countries and play for their national teams instead for FIFA tournaments. I don't have the streaming sites for these pre-FIFA games so I watch highlights and podcasts on Youtube. Saturdays are always football day so it's a bit odd not to watch the MLS or the Premier League games (Premier league finished thier season and start a new one August 15th).
So no more headgames from these folks. When you have seen what I have seen - their silly little games look so juvenile. When you have talked to folks who haven't had a home in 5 years - the people in this building seem childish and entitled and dare I say ungrateful as they do nothing but complain. I feel like telling them to go be homeless in BC for a month. That will shut the lot of you up and show you life is not a joke or a game and to just leave others alone.
I can't change others ~ but I can change myself. I now wear my armour and just laugh at their childishness. There is a life out there and I want to live it.
I will eternally be grateful for this apartment and the ladies who fought so hard to get me back into it. I owe them. And I think living a better life is all they want to see in return.
I am still waiting for my settlement money. But I think I know what happened. The legal aid sent me a docusign to sign for a release of the money but I didn't receive it. For some reason not all of my emails go to my laptop email account. For some reason a few go only to my IPad email account which doens't even make sense to me. Same email address they should all go to ALL devices. But they don't. And the docusign I needede to sign got stuck on my IPad which I never open as I only use for football. So it wasn't my lawyer or the bank or any other thing. It was a lost email I never received and therefore never signed. So i got that sorted out too. But that now means a delay in getting my money. How long I don't know. But I know it's coming at some point so I have relaxed about that too.
I've lived with nothing before and I can do it again. It's only stuff. From now on life is what matters to me. Living is what matters to me.
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