I am just about to check out of the Royal Inn. Kirk has kindly allowed me to stay at his place for a few days. But I have to find a place in a few days as he has a fiance and she is jealous. I do not want to cause any drama. I really don't. I am just desperate needing help. I hope I am not causing a domesticby staying there. Which is whyI am so desperate to find a place. I have put out feelers in Marketplace on Facebook but noone has gotten back to me.

I have to leave this place and Kirk can't pick me up until after work so I have to walk around Guelph all day ~ homeless again. Carrying all my belongings. I must look like a bag lady with my walker and backpack and my bright salmon coloured suitcase. But if I'm to be real I guess I am a bag lady right now.

I will not have internet all day long again unless I go into a Timmie's and have lunch. This living out of a suitcase is really starting to get to me now. I NEED my own space. I NEED my own place.

Some money was deposited into my account. My lawyer arranged an emergency deposit because the insurance company is taking so long putting my settlement into my bank account. I was so grateful for this. Last night I spent my last $200 which left me officially broke. I had nothing for food or rent if I find something. Now,... I have $3000. This will help me to breath a bit and not feel so worried. It's not a lot and it's really only first and last months rent when i find something but it's better than an empty bank account. At least now I can start looking for a place right away.

Ok, time to pack up my wordly possesssions and head on out to be homeless for the day. I need to buy a jacket and a pair of leggings as I lost all of my clothes and only have 2 t-shirts and 2 pair of pants to my name. And right now they are pretty dirty but I am wearing them anyway. The life of the homeless ~ you just have to make do. I had a shower so I am clean but I'm sure my clothes stink. So i'd like to by something new and clean to wear

Ok,... alreaady a change of plan.

I am so angry at Kirk. I asked him in Vancouver if he could take me in and he said yes so I came back home thinking I would at least have a place for a few days until I could get my bearings and find a place of my own. 

But his immature fiance said no. I'm sorry but to me that is selfish and immature behaviour. I have no wished to steal Kirk from her. I am just a desperate person looking for help. I am not actually mad at him for saying no. I am angry because he knew she would be mad so he should have said NO right from the beginning.

This is Dianne all over again. Telling me yes,... come,... and then no. Kirk has always been weak about saying no. So I did have an inkling that he was leading me on with a yes you can stay. I was not actually surprised when he balked and then said no. But he did last minute. I told him I need to know by check out and he waited until the very last minute to say no. If you had no intention ~ why say yes!!!!

So I have had to waste more money on 3 more nights here at the shining hotel. I mean the Royal Inn Motel. I am just so disaapointed in him for letting me down. I rely on people right now and twice now I have been told yes and then at the last minute told no.

I'm getting kind of tired of the run around.

Now I am here for 3 days wasting what precious little money I have.

Again,... I almost feel like just giving in. WHY am I even bothering. I have no furniture. NO clothes,... nothing. I am so fucking tired of living out of a suitcase and wearing dirty clothes so I smell. I need a place to stay.

If I can't find one,... well YES, I did bring the fentanyl. And right now I am so tired and so overwhlemed I just may give in and end it all. Why am I fighting so hard just to have a room to rent in a place with strangers I dont' even know.

I want my old life back,....

And if I can't find a place,... Iam too tired and just dont' give a shit anymore. 

Maybe fentanyl is the answer after all,...