Today I call MAiD

I just checked my bank account ~ no settlement money deposited. Infact I have no money at all. This is getting beyond an inconvenience. I am HUNGRY. I bought bagels and cream cheese yesterday to try and get me through but quite honestly I am fed up.

Have I been rescued just for more of the same? Living off of benefits and charities just to survive? Because I dont' do begging and grifting. If I dont' have it ~ I just don't have it!! So unlike the 'beggers' in this building who are constantly asking for hand outs (for what I can see is just to get Tim Hortons ice caps and other fast food) I don't BEG. And I'm getting really tired of being asked for money every day from people here who make twice as much a month as I do but can't budget and just want to eat fast food so they beg, beg, beg,... yesterday I just got up and left the gazebo when "she" came in. The first thing she said was i need money for an ice cap. Does anyone have any? I had to bite my tongue not to drag her upstairs and show her my empty apartment. I make HALF of what that woman brings in yet all she does is beg,... beg,... beg,.... I'm so sick of the begging that goes on around here.

I have nothing. No food,... no tv,... no bed. Just an air mattress on the floor and a borrowed tv until I can get my own. Yet I am constantly being asked for money!!!!! 

I reached out to housings social worker as I have no means of surviving. I bring in $851.51 a month. I am getting a SMALL settlement of which half has already been used just getting me back to Toronto and using motels when I got here because Kirk let me down and wouldn't allow me to stay at his place for 3 days as he had promised me. So when I landed in Toronto he blanked me and wouldn't even answer my phone or texts as he knew I was wanting to stay at his place. WHY SAY IT WAS OK IF YOU HAD NO INTENTION OF LETTING ME STAY??????? Kirk is afraid to say no to anyone so he causes all this problem becasue he says sure you can and then renegs. I had a feeling he would do this but when he did it left me homeless again and I was not very happy. It cost me 4 nights in a hotel wasting most of my settlement money I had been advanced. Kirk and I no longer speak. 

So I blew through the $3000 that I was forwarded by my lawyer in trying to help me get home to Toronto. He was very kind doing this as it has never been done in his office before. He really did see I was homeless and needed that money and got it for me. But of course, now it is gone and I am expecting just a small amount now left to come in. Not enough. 

All of my settlement money will be wasted on survivng and buying my stuff back like sofas and tvs and a bed.

I woke up angry at Dianne this morning as if it hadn't been for her lies of a perfect life in BC when it was really a ship already sinking ~ I wouldn't be in this mess and that settlement money could have given me a nice vacation. But instead I am starting over ~ again ~ for the third time in my 61 years on this earth. And today I have woken up angry about that.

I still can't feel my right arm or hand. I will never feel it again at this point. The nerves are now just dead. I feel nothing. No pins and needles anymore. Just a dead weight hanging from my shoulder. I am angry about this now too. I can't do the simpliest of things like screw off a bottle top. And the money meant to give me a tiny bit of freedom was wasted on surviving.

I am hungry. My fridge is empty. And there just doesn't seem to be any settlement money coming,..

Rent - $582.00

Internet - $109.59

Cell phone - $35.78

Rental Insurance - (mandatory) - $31.07

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Total so far,.... $758.44  

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How am I suppose to live with only $93.07 left for food, clothing, streaming and other basic needs.

It's IMPOSSIBLE

I have been lucky enough to be saved from off of the streets,... but to what? 

Today I am looking to go through MAiD again.

My mental health is so bad I lost everyone. My family - everyone. I obviously do not know how to be a good person. So I will always be this annoying mentally ill monster that noone wants and more to the point ~ actually HATE me.

I just need to leave this planet and leave everyone alone. I am nothing but a burden to society and an annoyance to my family. I have a handful of people who talk to me. And I lost all the rest. Including most of my 'handful of angels" which now don't talk to me at all. Why? I am a monster and I hurt people.

Just one more reason to go through MAiD.

I call them today. Becasue I dont' see any type of future for me in an empty apartment that has no food and I will always be struggling like this for the remainder of my life.

So No thanks folks,... I'm tired and I have had enough of all the run around.

Today I call MAiD.