I got so many negative comments about my blog over the past month while I have been homeless. It all stems from my talk about suicide. People really changed their minds about me after reading that I wanted to end my life with fentanyl if I stayed homeless.
But here is the thing,... I am mentally ill.
This blog is about my struggle with mental illness on a daily basis.
I have explained on here that I am different than everyone else due to my mental illness and past trauma. I write this blog to vent. But for my readers, I write to show them how DIFFERENT people are who suffer with mental illness. This blog shows people how I behave differently than others.
So I need clarify this:
I am not perfect. This blog writes about how my mental illness makes me do things others wouldn't. Like talk about suicide. Like becoming suicidal when I become desperate and scared. I am not saying it's right by any means. (It's not - plain and simple). But that is the whole point of this blog. Me navigating life with a different mindset than 'normal' people.
I have never said what I do or say is right. Infact, I have always said that I struggle because I don't think and behave as a 'normal' person. When I become overwhelmed with desperation as I did this past month, my head is all over the place. I break down. And the past month has been me ~ breaking down. And that included a lot of suicidal thinking. I was so overwhelmed that I could not think rationally. THAT is what mental illness does.
So the the people on my other blog,... (as noone readers on this one said anything negative at all) I remind you. My blog is not a normal journal. So if it's not for you ~ then please don't read it. If it triggers you with my talk of suicide and depression? Then please don't read it. I don't write it for anyones entertainment, I write to vent my thoughts. I have never - ever - said my thoughts are rational. I know sometimes they are not. That is a mentally ill brain.
I lost readers on my other blog as some of them were triggered or just didn't like me talking about suicide.
Suicide is something my brain thinks about a lot. I can't help that. It's the way my mind works. I write about it to not only vent,... but to maybe show others how dark and irrational my mind can get.
I am sorry if I triggered anyone. It was not my intention. But the whole time I was writing over the past month, I was completely overwhelmed being homeless and broke. And when this happens, my mind implodes.
I don't say this out of anger or meanness. I just say it because I don't want to be triggering anyone.
If you don't want to read the darkest and most upsetting parts of my mentall illness ~ then I kindly ask you to stop reading it.
Because what I don't need is people commenting that they are upset about my posts. I was just a mentally ill person trying to navigate a horrible situation that made me break down. I did and said things that upset others but my mind doesn't know this. My mind is set on just me and my survival and I have to do what I have to do to get out of that situation. I am in SURVIVAL mode and as mean as it sounds ~ I just don't have the capacity to think about what my words are doing to other people.
I am sorry about that.
But this blog is literally to write about the dark and disturbing places my mind takes me.
So please dont send your comments saying I upset you. I write to vent,... if you can't read it. Please don't.
Afterall,... this is a blog about living with mental illness and all the horrible things that brings with it.
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