I woke up smiling again. I am still filled with gratitude. It has not been lost on me what a very close call I had to living a life of homelessness and shelters and cheap motels. I had 3 weeks of it and that was enough for me. To be back in an apartment that I can call my own has been the biggest gift of all. I will never forget what the people here at Ontario Housing have done for me.
Today I am sat in the common room as they have wifi. My apartment has no wifi or a tv or a radio,... it is silent. Eeerily silent. Just an echo that bounces off the walls reiterating that I have nothing. Just an empty apartment.
Before my "BC experience" I probobly would be quite upset right now having nothing. But after living the life I have over the past 3 weeks - I was able to see how thousands and thousands and thousands of people have no home to call their own. Homelessness is a really big problem in Canada right now. So having secured my old apartment has left me with nothing but gratitude.
I ordered a tv and internet but its not coming until Tuesday or Wednesday. Which is why I am sat here in the common room.
This may be a terrible thing to say,... but maybe I had to walk this journey for a reason. My life was obviously in tatters when I left. My mental health severly effecting every decision I made. I was getting more and more depressed and angry. Maybe I had to see the world of others less fortunate to appreciate what I have.
And now ~ Do I ever appreciate what I have. So grateful!
I left a message with the "Grace Christian Fellowship" church which I have been in contact with before. I rerquested a chat with the pastor. I have done this before too and it helped back then so hopefully it will help again. I need to get back into my faith. I denounced it many years ago. I need it back. So I think going back to church is the next thing on my agenda. I find the uplifting spirit of a Church makes me feel welcome and wanted. I sorely need that right now. I need a community. And I think this is the community that is calling me.
I believe in fate and Karma. For everyone. Me included. What happened to me was not my fault. The woman definitely duped me and my two cousins have told me that she has done it twice before leaving the last person "broken". Which is how I feel as well. "broken"
But maybe this is fate or Karma telling me to change. Get off my ass and make a life. Stop sitting in your unit letting the likes of Tonya Halls bully you. I found a book I'd like to get called "Let them" which helps with these kinds of situations. Learning how to ignore and not care and just move on. My mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder) makes this extrememly hard for me to do. I have a soft heart and my feelings get hurt easily (But I rarely show it) I look hard on the outside. Tattoos,.. I smoke weed,... but I think life has just hardened me. Especially living in this building for the past 8 years. I got jaded and my heart hardened and I became an angry depressed person.
That all ends today. I am now a different person. I have re-connected with the people I was friends with before. With the ones I had issues with I just keep my head down and walk past trying to be as invisable as I can. I can't change others,... but I can change my reaction to them. Which will be ignore and leave and try and forget what they shouted to me. I know that moving back into this building isn't going to be easy, but I am a very changed person right now.
So today is the first day of improving my outlook to life. I will only emote what I want to receive. Positivity,... happiness,... kind of like the old saying you "reap what you sow".
I was broken when I limped into this building yesterday. My life was broken,... and you can't heal unless you accept your mistakes and wrongdoings. If you dont know you are wrong - you can't change the behaviour. I KNOW I was wrong so I am working on getting healthier.
So today is the first day of the rest of your life,... I start today with a clean slate.
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