Getting new stuff for my apartment

I had another busy day yesterday. And in my world, busy means good. The weather was quite cool and overcast and looked like it was going to burst down in rain any minute so I woke up a little discouraged as I wanted to walk to a few stores. I need to buy a new loveseat and chair for my livingroom. Because of my OCD, I can't (even though I would love to) take anything used with material. It's my germ phobia. So I knew I would have to buy my loveseat and chair new. It will be my only 'big' spend. Everything else I hope to get used. As long as I can wash it with my magic mixture of 'Dawn detergent with bleach' then I can take it. But soft furnishings? I definitely need to buy new for my silly OCD brain.

I still need a new tv. So I decided to risk the threat of rain and I walked to Walmart to get a few more things I needed. Just small things for the kitchen. Dish dryer rack,.. but while there I saw they had a nice little 43" tv on sale for under $300 so I bought it. I just don't have the means to bring a large 55" tv home so I got the 43" instead. I got it home and plugged it in and it works beautifully. One more thing off of my list.

The one thing I hate about being poor is having no transportation. This means I have no way of going to furniture stores and sitting on the furniture to see if it's comfortable. I instead have to buy online and just hope it's comfortable when it arrives. And this is exactly what I have done. I saw a great sale on at Leons and I bought a loveseat with matching chair. It looks beautiful. But I guess I won't know if it's even comfortable until it is delivered. And that right now is up in the air. The order went through but so far no deliver date. Could be 3 - 5 weeks. Thats ok. I have my lawn chair to sit in until then and it's surprisingly comfortable.

I want to buy a carpet from Walmart but it's too big to bring home on my walker. They have a bunch on sale for a great price (in store but not online). I can't even take a taxi home as the area rug probobly wont fit in a taxi. I think they are about 6 x 8 ft or something. I looked online but I can't 'see' the carpet. 'feel' it to see it's quality. Again I will probobly be at the mercy of having to buy sight unseen online. But I'm finding online they are so much more expensive. I was just hoping to do good ol' Walmart where I can see what I am buying. But HOW do I get it home??????

I hate being poor and never having transportation. Normally I don't mind walking everywhere I go as it's good exercise and keeps me fit. But when you need to buy something that can't be brought home on a walker - I am just out of luck. At the mercy of on-line buying. 

I would still like to do one more trip out today as I still have a few small things I need. The weather is back to sunny and nice again so I can do that later.

My team ~ Toronto FC ~ actually won last night!! I don't even want to talk about how bad they have been the past few years so having a win finally was a nice lift. I didn't actually get to watch the game as the quality of it was horrible on the Apple MLS app. It kept lagging and buffering and you just couldnt' watch it. I hate that I spend a fortune on Apple One just to get the MLS app and it is really bad quality. I'm hoping it was just a 'live' thing and I can go back in there today and watch it on demand. Maybe it will better quality then.

I'm still not happy about my budget. I still beleive that I will have to give this apartment up in a few months as once my settlement money is gone, I don't have enough to cover bills - let alone food or streaming. There WILL be times I have to choose FOOD over RENT and that will be grounds for eviction. So even though I am distracting myself with buying all new things (which is kind of fun) I know once I am settled and the money runs out ~ I could lose it all again. This worries the shit out of me but I try not to think about it.

Because of my mental illness and in light of how many people dont' even like me becasue of it ~ I really am hoping to go through MAiD in 2027. It's tough living knowing you are different and that people actually hate you. And not only that ~ it's just not easy living with a head that is always at war with yourself. My mind is completely different than 'normal' people and navigating life with it is tough. I keep making big mistakes that hurt people and I have ended up alone. Knowing this - I really do want to end my life in 2027 through the mental health criteria in 2027. It's another reason I am not going crazy filling this apartment back up. I will live with just what I need this time as if I get my way ~ it will all be given away again in two years.

Until this province gives me enough money to do more than just pay rent and then hope for the best for food and everything else???? No,... done it before and won't do it again. If living conditions - meaning if I dont' make more than $851.51 ~ then I'm done. YOU CANNOT LIVE ON THAT AMOUNT AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. So if anyone is against me ending my life because of it??? Then,... can I live in your house when I get evicted???? If not - you have no right to saying it's wrong. Until you have walked in REAL poverty - you have no clue and death is better than barely survivng.

So really I am just filling in time until I can end it all. Because really,... this isn't life. It's barely surviving,... and it's hard work. I'm too old and too tired and too disabled to bother anymore. Not without the reward of having family in my life. I just don't see the point,...

So I feel like I am sitting in God's waiting room waiting to die. That is not a life,... thats torture to me,...