Sunday, June 15, 2025

I have learned

I have 2 feeling that are dominating me this morning. Gratitude & humiliation. Together they really mess with your head and feelings.

Of course the first feeling I have is gratitude. I know how much work B***** (from housing) put into getting me my apartment back. She advocated for me like a warrior. Later in our meeting when I signed everything and got the keys, I asked her why she worked so hard for me. She said she used to work in homelessness and knows what I was going through in BC as she knew the homeless encampments I was in and she wanted to rescue me,... to have a stranger ~ because really when I left she was just a housing employee wishing me well on new journey,... so to have this woman fight so hard for me to get a home was quite humbling. She worked so hard ~ for me. That is something I can never repay back.  

So when I woke up this morning I smiled. I have nothing but a blow up mattress and sheets,... and a lawn chair to sit in. I was still happy. I have always said stuff is just,.... stuff. It can all be replaced. But a roof over your head and a door with a lock is something that not everyone has. But today ~ I do! And when I woke up I couldn't help but smile.

I have a home.

But the other feeling I have is humiliation. Becasue in the face of advercity I fucked up. I mean really fucked up. I hurt people. I worried people. To the point that these people left me and are never coming back. This leaves me sad and humbled. I know it was all me,... I know it was my behaviour,... but being mentally ill that was the best i could do at the time. It's all I had in me. But that doesn't excuse what my behaviour did to others.

I am well aware of this and I whole-heartedly apologize to everyone. 

I will be seeking mental health on Monday. I have a social worker from housing coming to see how I am tomorrow. We talked about getting me healthy and healed from this traumatizing month I have been through. Without a doctor I can't take medication. But now I realize I have to put my tail between my legs and realize that I just can't go un-medicated. So I will - reluctantly - get in touch with CMHA to make an appointment. (Canadian Mental Health Ass.). My hurting others did not escape me. I didn't see it until I got back to Ontario and noone would help me. Noone wanted to go near me. They had no clue what my mental state was/is and I think I scared the shit out of them all. So again,... I put my tail between my legs and realizing it was all my own doing, I just continued on alone. I'm certainly not blaming anyone. It was a hard, difficult and traumatizing month for me. But I failed to understand the ripple effect I caused in others.

So this whole experience has not been for nought. I have learned. I have been hiumbled. I have hit rock bottom. And all of these things only led to one thing. The realization that I need 2 things back in my life. CMHA and the church. 

I didn't go to church today as I was so tired from everything yesterday I slept until noon. (amazing how good you sleep knowing you are safe). But I do plan on going next week. I enjoyed the church in BC. So maybe the community and spiritual fellowship will lure me back to a healthier life.

Whatever happens,... I start this new life alone. I lost everyone that ever cared about me. But I will not allow this lesson to die in vain. I have learned. 

This will be the third time I have had to start all over with nothing. All I have is in this picture




No comments: