I have been held hostage by deliveries. Not allowed to leave my apartment or I will miss one. I buy almost everything off of Amazon. I don't have a vehicle so I either have to walk or order whatever I need. This used to work great. But lately I have found the quality of service has dropped so badly that I'm not even receiving my orders. I have about four more Amazon orders coming. I woke up this morning to check my tracking and found out the driver was only 4 stops away. Knowing he will just throw it in the lobby as its only 7 in the morning,I thought I would go and sit downstairs and wait so I wouldn't miss him. I sat outside of the lobby where there were chairs.I could see him but he couldn't see me. He drove up to our building in a little car (no Amazon truck) and he took out 3 pkgs. He then proceeded to DUMP them in our lobby without even trying to contact any of us. So I went flying out there before he could drive off and demanded to know why he did that. I told him all 3 would be stolen within 20 minutes had I not seen them. He knew he had been caught and pretended to not know English. If I hadn't seen him actually just dump them ~ he would have got away with it and I would have lost my package. I have two more coming today so I am worried where they will end up. This building is Ontario Housing. It is filled with people who live in poverty. If it's not nailed down ~ it WILL be stolen. I was suppose to receive a package yesterday that never even arrived. I had to call TWICE to find out where it was and it is still out there in the Amazon universe. Now it is telling me I MIGHT get it on July 4th but if I don't to cancel the order and re-order it?????? What? Just find out where the heck it is and deliver it!! I am finding the drivers don't like apartment buildings so they just dump them in the lobby to save time. Do I have to sit in the lobby of my building all day now?
Not a good start to my morning.
However,.... Happy Canada Day!! It is technically a holiday but some things are still open. The weather is gray and overcast and feels humid already. I don't think I will be sitting outside today. I guess I will be hanging out in my unit waiting for deliveries all day.
My cousin (The best cousin in the world!) sent the rest of my luggage back to me yesterday by Purolator. So I will be getting ALL of my belongings back. (yet another delivery to wait for) Something I didn't think would ever happen. I thought they were lost in BC forever. But she went to the hotel I had stayed in and took all my stuff and brought it back to her place to store. Then she shipped it when she had enough money. It cost $500 to get all of it back here. OUCH. But,... needs,... must,... and all that. So I just had to suck it up and pay her as these are the only personal belongings I have left in this world. The pictures of the twins,... photos,... momentos of my life,... all my football gear,... all my clothes,... everything. I am so grateful I am getting it all back.
I am still feeling really hated. I can't live with myself right now knowing my family actually HATES me. HATE is a very strong word. I try my best in life. I do not purposely try and cause anything. I am just mentally ill and I just seem to fuck up everything I do. And now it has left me completely alone.
When I got home from BC ~ I was literally cancelled. My friends that I had are gone,... B**** left me a note saying no more. I did her in with my homelessness and fentanyl talk. I lost everyone. I was literally CANCELLED. Noone follows me on Facebook anymore,... (really the only media I use) and I have closed my blog up tight for subscribers only.
I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be so hated. It eats away at my soul knowing my family wants nothing to do with me ever. I will NEVER see my family again and I will NEVER meet my granddaughter.
What is the point of living now?
So i still am determined to go through MAid for the mental health criteria. I am the perfect candidate. So mentally ill I can't function in life normally. I fuck up so much I am living in severe poverty ~ alone. I am the biggest fuck up to ever be born.
So roll on 2027 when the mental health criteria comes into effect. I will be first in live to be 'put down'. I hate living right now as all I feel is the hatred. And it's really getting to me and I jsut can't bear it anymore.
Can you imagine being so hated you've literally been cancelled and everyone left you.
I am a mentally ill monster that just needs to die.
All I do is hurt people ~ I just need to die. So I have started isolating again so I can't get close to anyone. I will just hurt them. So instead I will live a life of solitude with noone in it until I can use MAiD to end EVERBODIES suffering. Because it's not just the people I hurt that are suffering,....
I AM SUFFERING. In poverty,... in pain,... in being so hated. It's NOT a nice life to live. And I just don't want to be here anymore.
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