I have nearly finished refurbishing my apartment. I went with a completely different look. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to go cheap and this is all I could find that was affordable. Now that it is all set up it still doesn't feel like 'home' to me. It feels soul-less,... cold,... lonely,... it feels like I am staying at an Air B&B or something. It's functional and does the job, but it doesn't feel like 'me'. I guess in time it will. But right now I don't really feel like it is 'my' space yet. Maybe I am just missing Maggie. Maybe it feels empty because Maggie is no longer around. Whatever it is, I am still getting used to it.
I was on the phone all day yesterday. To the government! Hours of being left on hold only to be transferred to someone who can't help you. It was frustrating. But in the end very worthwhile as I managed to get my ODSP re-instated. THAT is the best news ever. I managed to get them to put me on a rapid reinstatement that takes place next month. They will be taking $25 off to compensate for the money I owe them but I will take it. It will bring me back up to $1355 a month rather than $851.51. That is the difference between surviving and not surviving. It's the difference between losing your apartment and not losing your apartment. It is a life saver to me.
Something is going on with my right hand. It is getting worse and now painful to the touch. I am going to have to break down and get an appointment at the walk-in clinic. It actually hurts just to type. I don't think I will ever get movement or use back in it but I would like the pain to stop.
I am still feeling depressed and lonely. I have no answer for curing that. Poverty is a hard life and leaves you with no entertainment or positive things in your life. It wears you down. And after 9 years of it, I am drained. Tired of always struggling and proctically begging to people to survive. It eventually drains you and leaves you with no energy or motivation to have a happy existence. Everything is about poverty and no transportation which equals no life.
It leaves you feeling sad and lonely and bored.
I still want to go through MAiDs for the mental health criteria. ODSP is a top up that just allows me to eat. It isn't enough to give me a good life. I will always struggle in poverty and I will always fight my mental illness. Life will never be good for me again.
I got my ODSP back,... but it isn't enough.
I still want my life to end. I am not living,... I am existing. And it's really, really lonely,....
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