I just want to die now

I have needed some time to regroup. I am still extremely grateful that I have a home. But right now this isn't 'my' home. I have had to use my settlement money to refurbish a whole entire apartment. And I didn't do it with anything expensive. I waited for Amazon Prime day(s) and I literally looked up each thing I needed. Then I clicked on "Prime Day Deals" for that item and I bought the cheapest version of that item I could find. In other words,... I bought everything on deep discount - not because I liked the product - but because it was the cheapest and it will make do. So I have bought many things - but all of them are for function ~ not asthetics. So it doesn't 'feel' like home to me. Not yet anyway. Right now it feels like somebody elses apartment. Nothing is familiar to me. It's all new. And it's not really to my taste either. To come into my unit now,... you could be forgiven for thinking here is someone who just bought crap to get what they need fast,....

This is NOT MY HOME,... and I really miss my old apartment with all my old stuff. It wasn't great but it was mine,... 

I am still struggling putting furniture together. I still have an end table I just can't figure out and I've left in pieces in the box on my floor. The new chair I bought from Leons???? NOT COMFORTABLE at all!! I hate it. It leaves me in severe pain after just an hour of sitting in it. All that money wasted because I dont have a car and I couldnt' 'test' the furniture I bought first. I had to just risk that it was comfortable and it isn't,.... I am so upset about this. My fibromyalgia leaves me in enough pain everyday. Now I will have to deal with more pain as this chair is not comfortable at all and actually triggers my FM pain while sitting in it. It also has a very strong chemicle smell that is giving me a constant headache. I have never heard of this with new furniture before, but the smell is unbearable. I can only hope it will eventually fade as I have had a bad headache ever since I got this new furniture.

So now I am stuck with an expensive chair I can't sit in. I HATE IT.

But this is my life,... when you don't have a car or a person to help you look for stuff like this??? You end up playing roulette and I lost,... $599.00 plus all the taxes and delivery ~ WASTED on a chair that I will not be able to use  due to pain.

And now I have NO painfree place to rest. 

I am getting really tired of having to do everything by myself. If I only had a car - I could have shopped around and 'sat' in the chair before I bought it. But being alone - this option was not available to me. Fend for yourself Jacquie,... you don't deserve help.

I am getting tired of having to walk everywhere and drag things home on my walker. Groceries or whatever I need,... I am getting too tired to do this anymore.

I have felt such deep exhaustion for the past month. I am doing way too much physically and I am paying for it with pain and fatigue. Not just normal 'tired' but every ounce of my being just wants to lie down and sleep. I just dont' have any energy at all. So everything I have to do I feel like I am forcing myself to get up and do it. But there is noone else so I have no choice but to do everything myself. 

I am not happy. I am old and exhausted. I am alone and lonely,... 

I am the mentally ill monster that noone wants and therefore I am completely alone and left to fend for myself. That was ok in my 40's,... but I will be 62 this year and I just can't do this anymore. 

No more pushing groceries on a walker,... no more buying stuff sight unseen and hoping for the best because I have no car or transportation. No more holidays alone in an apartment that doesn't even feel like mine anymore,... I am a stanger in my own home

No more of this struggle. It's just too much anymore 

I have spent ~ no WASTED!!!! ~ $6000 of my settlenment money and I dont' even like what I have bought as I had to go cheap,... cheap,... cheap,... and thats exactly what my apartment looks like right now. CHEAP. The poverty ridden monster deserves what she gets I guess,...

but I dont want this life. It's not mine,... mind got lost with that BC scam. And I'm never getting it back,...

I don't want this new life. I just want GONE NOW.

I just want to be dead now