Yesterday turned out to be a better day. I was so frustrated with this flatpack furniture that I was ready to throw it all in the dumpster out back. But a subscriber to this blog who lives nearby contacted me and ended up coming over and helping me. (So thankful for the help!!) And in the end we got it all done. But she did say that it wasn't just me. It was hard to do with just one pair of hands. So I dont feel so inept. It really was difficult and needed two people. But it is done now!! Which means my apartment is starting to look like a real apartment once again. I still need to put up curtains (waiting for hardware to be delivered) and one more piece of flatpack furniture (over the toilet shelves) and I will be done. It still doesn't feel like 'my' apartment yet. I'm hoping once I get all my tapestries hung up on the walls, it will make it feel more 'homey'. But I need to get out to Walmart to buy all the hardware for that. I still need a few odds and ends but for the most part,... I am almost back to normal since my "BC Fiasco" (I don't know what else to call it). And then hopefully I can just forget it ever happend and move on.
I am losing a friend here. My friend Trinity is here with Traverse Independent recovering from a serious car accident. But her recovery is coming along so well that she will be leaving us soon. She is already looking for a new apartment for herself. I am so thrilled for her as she needs to get out of here. It's all old people that live here and she is so young. She needs to be around people her own age. And it looks like this could be happening in the next few months. Although I am really happy for her,... it is yet another person I will be losing. I have had this happen a few times now. I befriend someone from Traverse (The brain injury recovery part of our building) only to get close to them and have them up and leave once they are recovered enough. I don't have any friends here in the building. Between Tonya and Darren, I have learned to isolate myself and just keep myself to myself. The less communication and contact I have ~ the less drama. Tonya has been as quiet as a mouse which is just what I have wanted from her since I moved in 9 years ago. I don't care if she is still gossiping outside of the compound - As long as I don't have to hear anything I'm good. I can't tell you the relief it feels to be able to walk around this building once again and not be accousted by Tonya with nasty comments. They have completey stopped! And it's heaven. I just walk right past her now and she keeps quiet. I think housing reprimanded her in some way. I don't care about why - I am just glad that she has stopped. It has made my life living here bearable once again.
But I am very selective about who I befriend now. So I only have one or two people I talk to and the rest I keep my head down and keep myself to myself. So I will feel sad about losing Trinity once she leaves. Great for her that she is getting so much better - but I will definitely miss her.
My life is very isloated now. Lonely. I spend my days either watching tv or sitting outside in the gazebo having a smoke. Theres not a lot else to do. I get very bored and lonely but there really isn't an answer. No money,... no car,... = BOREDOM! And some days that boredom eats me up inside leaving me feeling unsettled. I really do need something to occupy my brain or I just feel unsettled. The boredom is what it killing me slowly. If I had money I could at least go out and do stuff. But no money means I am trapped inside this building with nothing to do.
This brain doesn't do well with boredom. I need something to do.
And of course, there is still always the worry eating away inside that I will end up losing this unit anyway when I can't afford to pay the rent. THAT keeps me awake at night. If I can't find another source of income to top up my $851.51 a month ~ I really can't see myself surviving. I will definitely lose this apartment.
So I am constantly living with the threat of losing my home once again. And that is not a nice feeling to live with everyday you wake up.
I have said it before and I'll say it again,....
NOONE can live on $851.51 a month. It's immpossible!!!! So unless I get some help financially ~ I will be homeless again by next spring. And that is something that is front and foremeost in my mind all the time. Once you have been homeless (and I have been twice) you are terrified of it happening again. It's definitely not a nice way to live never knowing if you will end up back on the streets.
Noone in Canada should ever be living this way but I am. Canada is not the perfect country people think it is. If your middle class or above you will do well. But the poor are treated disgustingly and thrown away by this government. They just dont' care to look after the poor and disabled. It's absolutely DISGUSING! And I may lose my home for a third time because of it.
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