Time to admit defeat

I went to bed last night very discouraged. I had faced the fact that I am disabled and cannot do something I use to do quite easily. This realization has left me unsettled. I can't put furniture together anymore. But the biggest problem is I have noone to help me. I am completely alone now and have noone to call. So I am sitting here with my coffee looking at my livingroom and knowing I will never be the 'old Jacquie' ever again. It's a hard pill to swallow that your not capable anymore. It's frustrating.

So now my furniture sits half built. I have no means of finishing it. So I have just put all the parts against the wall and given up. I never thought I would ever say this, but ~ I need a man. A handyman. 

I have been through so much in the past two months and I have run out of steam. I am still grieving my poor little Maggie. Life got so 'real' I didn't have time to grieve her. It is hitting me now just how much I miss her. I have been through homelessness and the trauma of living in a dangerous homeless encampment. I have been through hell,.... But noone seems to care about any of that. Instead, they are upset at my behaviour in trying to survive. Well i can't change that. I did what I did and I apologized for it but I guess that wasn't good enough as I have literally been 'cancelled'. Noone even talks to me anymore. Not even my handful of angels,... all gone now. I am completely alone.

So what the fuck do I do with this half built furniture and more coming I can't put together??? I will end up having to hire someone to come in and put it all together. Waste of precious money all because I have a gimpy arm and hand that no longer works. Where do you even find someone to do this for me??? I am on my knees this morning. I just feel like life is just too hard to live anymore. Too many problems I can't solve alone,... can't take care of myself anymore but have noone to help,... I am feeling very isolated and alone. 

I have been 'cancelled'. I no longer exist to my friends and family. So why the fuck am I here struggling so hard and getting nowhere???? I am still reeling from the trauma of being scammed and my BC fiasco. I have nothing left in me anymore to fight. Every corner I tuen is a problem I cannot fix. And on top of it all,... I don't even bring in enough money to survive. So why am I fighting so hard to start all over again just to lose it all because I didn't have enough to pay rent and survive?

I think it's time to admit defeat. I am alone and hated and not even capable of putting some flat-pack furniture together that I used to do without even thinking. 

Life is too hard. I can't struggle on anymore,....

The world hates me ~ I know because they told me and I listened and decided to do you all a favour and just fuck off,...

I am not needed - nor wanted so why the fuck am I struggling so damn hard just to exist??? 

Time to admit I just can't do it anymore.