It's after 6 in the evening and all I have managed to do is have a bath. I have shut down. I have been here before and it is not good. Once I shut down I don't talk to anyone,... I don't answer the phone or the door,... I just isolate ~ alone ~ paralyzed in the black fog that has descended down around me. I wanted a shower. But I didn't have the energy. Instead I climbed into a hot lavender bath. The heat - which usually soothes me did not feel soothing today. I have shut down so I can no longer feel,... I can no longer function,... I have turned off.
I can't get up. All I want to do is sleep or lay in bed (or in my situation - my blow up air mattress) and watch tv. I have zero energy and zero motivation.
I have given up. Sunk back into my cocoon. The safe place I retreat to escape the world. I don't eat,... I don't pay bills,... I don't do anything because I am frozen. Paralyzed in the black fog.
I don't think I am coming out of it this time.
Because this time ~ I dont' want to. I just want to lay here and rot.
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