This is my life now. In a million pieces all around me. I now have 2 pieces of flat-pack furniture I cannot put together. You need two hands to finish it and I only have the use of one. I am so frustrated with this situation that I am ready to just throw all this shit into the dumpster out back and just take a loss. I'm sick of looking at it everyday I wake up. Sitting there in pieces all over my floor ~ mocking me ~ You useless piece of shit. You can't even put furniture together now,...
And that is not the only deficit I have seen in me in the past week. I have just had a situation which is so typical of BPD sufferers,... miscommunication.
I have decided that I would like to get another cat. So I sent an email to an organization that works in my community. A cat rescue. But after 3 emails, not only do I not get a cat ~ but they won't even deal with me now. Dismissed,... cancelled,... no cat for me because I don't know how to communicate.
I would like to put the whole email thread on here but all the cut and pasting is too hard with one hand on my laptop. But basically I was asking to adopt a cat. But because I didn't understand virtual calling (which platform to use) the emails went south fast and next thing I knew - I was banished from this organization. I did not swear or even get angry! I just didn't know what platform they needed for a virtual call. I was DISMISSED and told I can't use this organization ever again and have a nice day,....
I am still sat here in shock wondering what the fuck I did wrong,....
But that is me all over isn't it? All I have to do is open my mouth and I fuck up. This is a very typical situation for BPD people (Borderline Personality Disorder) It is like living in a different country and not knowing the local language so you just do your best to fit in and hope it works. But it didn't work,... I was somehow seen as some 'pest' because I didn't understand what they wanted from me.
So,... NO CAT FOR ME! The mentally ill monster is being punished again for being a mentally ill monster!!!!!!
I hate my life and THIS is why,... Nothing I do is right and I always end up burning bridges and I don't even know what happened to start the fire!!!! I just don't get what happened with this email wanting a cat.
All I want is to adopt a new cat! But instead I was made to feel like I am a horrible person and I don't deserve a cat.
So,.... NO CAT FOR ME!
Today I sit here ~ totally despondant. I am so mentally ill I don't even know how to behave to get a damn cat,...
Living with this illness is TORTURE and I dont want to do it anymore. My life is one big struggle and I have burnt every bridge I ever had with anyone leaving me alone and hated.
This is not a life. This is heartbreaking to me. I am just sad and depressed and feel unworthy of even getting a cat,...
I am not normal. I am a monster. And this just proves it,.... I can't even be normal enought to get a cat,....
I just want it all to end so I can close my eyes and go to sleep and never wake up again. BLISS.
I just want help with this furniture,... and getting a cat,... but I guess I won't be getting either because I'm a mentally ill monster and I am not worth it.
Roll on death ~ as I am not happy at all and just want to die now.
The whole world hates me and I can feel it in everything I do,.... and it hurts,... :(
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