I write with a heavy heart this morning. The Premier League and Portugal have lost a brilliant football player. Not just a name you haven't heard of - but a striker who helped Liverpool win the league this past season. Diago Jota played for Liverpool as well as his home country of Portugal. He just got married 10 days earlier to his wife and they had 3 children. Liverpool will never be the same,... The Premier League is in mourning. This is a huge loss for the European football community. His brother - also a professional footballer in his home country of Portugal died in the same crash as well,....
And it brings me my question of why? Why would someone who has so much promise and a full and successful life ahead of him die?? Why not me? Why not someone who's life is shit - like mine? Why does God choose GOOD people to die and people like me to suffer for years and years in poverty and pain with no relief in sight? Why does he allow good people to die?
I am so unhappy and so poor and in so much pain that I would welcome death right now. But instead I am made to struggle over and over again until I have fallen so far I have had to start over with nothing. WHY did God do this to me? When I pray to die everyday,... why does he force me to go on? And then take a brilliant athlete with a great future ahead of him??
I sit here this morning - full of sadness for the loss of this young man and his family. Britain and the european football world are all in mourning. This death makes no sense at all.
THIS is my livingroom right now. And this is how it is going to stay. I have tried for 3 days to put this furniture together but without the use of my right hand - I can't physically do it. So i am angry. I have a tv stand and side table and a coffee table all in pieces that I can't put together. So I gave up. I can't MAKE my hand suddenly work. The only answer is someone to do it for me. But I have noone. Because I am a mentally ill monster that noone likes. So I have thrown all 3 things to the side and left them - to sit there forever. I just don't care anymore. My life has gotten WAY TOO HARD and the struggle has gotten to me and I just don't care anymore. I will sit in this apartment with my cheap furniture that is thrown in the corner and just forget about it. But I can't forget,... it's all right there in front of me. Reminding me that I am a failure. A crippled gimpy failure that can't do anything for myself anymore. Now when I look at all the pieces - I am just reminded of how useless I am and how I am so hated I can't even ask for help as noone likes me here. Thanks Darren Green. He beat his cat and I called the humane society but the people here choose him and are mad at me - so because I tried to save his cat - I got ostracised. Just another symtem of BPD - getting it wrong when you thought you were doing right. I guess the people here don't mind hanging out with someone who terrorizes his poor little cat. But I want nothing to do with him as I HEARD his rage and I HEARD what he did to that poor little animal. So I am confused and hurt that everyone choose to side with him. But he is the weed man and without him they don't get a good deal on weed. So,... this was all a few years ago and i am still the bad one who people get up and leave when I come out to the gazebo. THEY GET UP AND LEAVE!! So I am confused. What should I have done?????? I thought I did the right thing but now - am so hated I have noone in this building to ask for help.
Jacquie is a mentally ill monster that needs to be ostrasized for her own good. Isolation means I can't hurt anyone. But it also means a very lonely life with no help what-so-ever on things I can no longer do.
I don't know what to do with this damn furniture now. I think I will just throw it into my storage unit and forget about furniture altogetrner. I'll just sit in my lawn chair and watch tv as it sits on the ground.
I think I am a horrible person and I deserve to struggle in this life.
But I am so tired and my heart is hurt from all the hate.
So God? Why would you take the lives of a great footballer but keep me here to suffer???? I don't understand. If noone likes me and I am alone - who would even miss me when I am gone??? NOONE!!!
I feel very defeated and hurt and alone right now. And a failure. I can't even put flat-p-ack furniture together anymore leaving me with wasted money and an empty apartment.
I just want to disappear and die because this is it for me. Life is not going to get better ~ it's only going to get worse,....
But I guess thats only what I deserve.
The mentally ill monster gets what she deserves. My family would be so happy to hear I can't get by and i am struggling becasue they think I have 'made my bed and I should lie in it'. I guess their right.
I deserve to be alone. Becasue I am the mentally ill monster who hurts people and just needs to suffer to pay for it.
Well,... family,... I am paying for it. I am suffering so I hope you atleast get pleasure out of that
The Mentally ill Monster needs to die
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