I have given up,...
I have OCD. My apartment is normally not only tidy and clean - but bleached. Even though I have not had a dishwasher in over 25 years, I still manage to always have a clean counter with no dirty dishes. It is the only thing I have left that I have any control over. My world may be shit - but at least it's clean. But I have given up now and no longer care what my kitchen looks like anymore,...
Over the course of the past year I have slowly been breaking down. And this week,... I have hit a wall. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning now. What for? To sit in my chair for 18 hours blankly starring at a box? Why bother,... just lay in bed and rot,...
And then theres the anger,... I am mentally ill and unmedicated. This past year I have desperately needed help. But no help has come. I am angry at the people who don't reach out - yet call 911 on me. The age-old "I don't want to have to deal with you so I'm going to call 911 on you instead" and then you walk away and forget about me. You dust off your hands and move on, but I now have cops at my door. This has happened over a dozen times. This is NOT help.
And you know why that is? I am not worth the help. Instead ~ everyone is so hung up on hearing "suicide",... why don't they reach out and see if theres anyway they can help. Just a shoulder to cry on,... and ear to listen to,... a day out of this apartment would do me the world of good,.... just a visit from someone to remind me that I have value and someone cares,.... But nothing,...
***crickets***
They all just call 911 so they've done their duty and then walk away leaving me to deal alone. They don't want to get involved. Again - that is NOT help. I just get thrown in Homewood and the cycle starts all over again. 911 does NOT HELP.
Back to the anger,... I am so angry at my situation. And my mental illness leaves me unable to cope. I need medication to control this anger. I need pain medication for my pain. I need a doctor so I can finally start to heal these injuries,... I need so much. But get nothing.
I woke up this morning itching like mad. I have shingles again. This is the 4th time in 4 years I have gotten shingles. The itch is driving me mad. I need stuff from the pharmacy but can't get there,... I am so frustrated I just want to die. I always have some kind of medical ailment. I am always sick now. It's so tiring,...
I woke up angry. I wake up every morning angry now. Because I know my life is never changing. THIS IS IT. You are always going to live in poverty and pain and will NEVER BE SEEN.
My kitchen - once so immaculate you could eat off the floor - is now a disaster. Three days of dishes clutter the counter. Food,.. left on plates to rot,... This is NOT ME. But I seem to have given up. I just don't care anymore. I don't have the energy or the motivation or the desire to even care,... I have given up.
This video I have put here is SHOCKING! But this is my goal. My life is so HOPELESS that THIS is all I see for myself. It is time,... I have never been more serious about anything in my life. NOW IS THE TIME. I am nearly there with the money. Just one more month and I should have enough to get to BC.
To me,... this is the saddest - most tragic end to a life. My life is so painful that I am choosing to fly to BC to this,.... zombieland. And my only plan is to die,.... If you can't get fentanyl here,... you can't get it anywhere. I just need ONE HOT SHOT and my pain and my poverty will be gone. ***pouf*** finally get relief,...
This video will be the biggest eye-opener you will ever see about Canada. Well this video,.... this is Canada too,.... and this is where my life is heading because there just isn't enough money to allow me to live,...
So roll on BC and the biggest fucking hot shot of fentanyl to ever exist,... time to finally escape this pain. I'm not living anymore. I am an empty shell that breathes with no heart or soul,... I am an empty vessel that just needs to die,...
Waking up angry is not a life,... it's a torture,... and I can't take it anymore,...
I have fianlly broken down and hit a wall. But still nobody sees,...
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