Now that I have had time to think

Yesterday was Saturday. Game day. MLS Season opener. So I was in a very good mood. I watched 5 games. So I was pleasantly distracted from my usual 18 hours of watching boring tv shows. So when I wrote in my blog yesterday, I was in a postive mood. But today,... this morning,... in the cold light of day,... I have come to my senses. 

I am not going to meet up with this man. It's just not going to happen for me. I am not the least bit 'datable'. I am a train wreck. I need resuing - not dating. I have nothing to offer a man. I am embarrassed at my situation. I feel ugly and old and certainly not 'a catch'. My life has sunken too low now to get back into 'normal' main-stream life.

I have been sequestered away inside this apartment now for 6 months. I haven't talked to anyone,... I have not socialized at all. I almost feel like I don't even know how to act in public anymore. I feel so different that I feel like people would be looking down on me. I feel like I wouldn't know what to talk about,... I don't even know if I can hold a converstaion with anyone anymore. I am a recluse now. Alone,... rusty,... out of touch,...

I feel like I would only be using this guy to be rescued. And that isn't fair. I am not 'that' person. If I was,... I had that chance a few years ago with that man I use to go out riding with. He owned his own business and home and had multiple motorcycles,... if I was 'that' person, I would have pounced on him. But I am not that person. I can't do that to someone. I am an old fashioned girl. I have to be with someone because I love them - 100% for them - not what they own. I have to meet someone - and feel that attraction - and if it's not there, I can't persue that relationship. 

I have never needed a man. Luckily I was born extremely independent. If I meet one and we hit it off - that would be an awesome bonus. But I am not one to go out and actively look for someone. I don't use dating sites. Can you just imagine my profile? Poor as a church mouse lady who is disabled and down and out - hasn't got anything to offer. But hey,... message me! Infact,... see this profile and RUN - the other way - fast.  lol. I would LOVE to have a man by my side. but ONLY for the right reasons. And I don't think now is a very healthy time to be getting involved with someone. I really do just need to concentrate on myself. I can't offer someone a life,... if I don't even have one to begin with. I'm just an empty vessel right now.

It all goes back to that cup analogy ~ you have to fill your cup with positive experiences in order to balance out the bad. But I never add to my cup. It has been bone dry for 5 years now. So with an empty cup,... you have nothing to give to others. And the only way to fill up my cup with a positive balance is to go outside and HAVE A LIFE. But I haven't been able to do that. Because I am stuck. Stuck in poverty,... stuck in pain,... stuck in a building that is toxic to my mental health,... I am stuck isolated and alone,... there is NOTHING being poured into my cup. At all! So until I have something in my cup that will allow me to finally feel pride again,... then I have nothing to offer anyone and prefer to hide away alone. I am embarrassed and humiliated with my situation and I really dont' want anyone to know about it. 

I feel like I don't have one ounce of dignity in my life.

How could I have ever have thought anyone could have wanted me,... the welfare whore,... the trailer trash,... the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks,... give your head a shake lady,... your an invisable nobody that just needs to hide away.