I didn't wake up unsettled today. Over the past 5 years (since I was relegated to accepting ODSP) my life has systematically deteriorated. Slowly, I have been losing everything I had that I enjoyed doing. The poorer I got,... the less I had. The less I had,.. the less I could do. Until eventually I was left with never leaving my apartment and watching tv 18 hours a day. And I HATE it. I had severe cabin fever.
But after getting outside yesterday I was given a brief reprieve from my normal tedious routine. I was excited as I had finally gotten outside after 6 months of being couped up in this box. It was heaven. And the effects of that have spilled over into today.
Normally I only sleep about four hours a night now. I think it's because I don't expend any energy during the day so I don't get tired. A person needs to exercise (or at least do something) to expend all that pent up energy a body produces. If you don't move around ~ your body rebels. And in my situation with my mental illness, tha manifests into anxiety. I get this ball in the pit of my stomach. And it feels like a hand is squeezing it causing anxiety. And over the course of the day it builds. In a normal world I would just get up and go for a walk. Not being able to do that just leaves me unsettled. Jittery,... until I feel like my whole body is vibrating. Like a subway driving through my veins. It's a hard feeling to explain. And it's very uncomfortable. I put it down to being so sedate all day that it just builds up until I'm a raw bag of nerves.
As a kid I swam. I lived in the water. And I have remained very active in my adult life until five years ago. So I am not used to this doing nothing stuff. I hate it. And now,... I don't have the means to get out and hike anymore or go swimming. So I can't release it. It just builds and builds and builds until I have become a frustrated angry individual. To the point that I was waking up angry and in a bad mood all the time. It makes you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's a heavy life to lead.
But this morning I woke up normal. I went to bed exhausted after my big day. And I slept for 8 solid hours. I haven't done that in ages. So for the first time in a long time I woke up feeling refreshed. This is proof that getting outside and leading a normal life is so much better for your mental health. Being stuck away in this apartment is literally making me rot,... I got a small taste of what my past life was like yesterday and it cheered me up.
But I am paying for it today. I knew I would. Fibromyalgia does not leave you alone just because you had a good day. The walk was great, but I am in pain today. But I dont' care. It was so worth it to feel like I belonged in civilization once again. I will just take it easy today. Rest up. Take some OTC pain relief. I had a long soak in a hot epsom bath last night which I think helped. Maybe another one later will help again. But the weather,.... is just so gorgeous today. I feel it pulling me outside. But I can't. The pain is too bad today.
It is election day tomorrow. I will cross my fingers that the weather remains this nice and I can walk to the polls. It's in a local school not far from me so if the weather is good I should have no problem. And then on my walk home I am going to treat myself to Timmies. A french vanilla and a chocolate dipped donut. So fingers crossed mother nature gives me a break.
My problems have not disappeared. But just having one good day outside with fresh air and the sunshine can make all the difference to my mental health. And today, for the first time in a very long time, I feel okay. Not great,... but ok. And in my life I will take that. Because ok is still better than miserable.
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