An undeniable Epiphany

All of my life that I was aware of my birth Mother, I resented her. Every choice she made I resented. Mainly because I wasn't involved in any of her plans. I resented her for putting her life before me. She choose to party and carry on as any teenager would. But she wasn't just a teenager. She was a mother. And she shirked every one of those responsibilities so I resented her. Because I got left behind. I felt she ran away. From her responsibilities and her life. She ran from Ontario to British Columbia to start a new life. But she left me behind. So I resented her.

But in a strange and eerie coincidence our lives have been somewhat the same. We both struggled. She with different issues than me, but we both seemed to lead very troubled and unsettling lives. It makes me wonder how life would have been if I had remained in her care. I know I would have been a much different person. It's why I am so grateful to the Morgans for adopting me and giving me a childhood that could be cherished. With Diane, I know life would have been a challenge.

But as you age, and you endure much experience with life, your attitude can change. And now in my early sixties my attitude of my mother has definitely softened. Now I have learned much more about her. And even though she wrote to me and we spoke on the phone I never actually met her so I can't say I ever really knew her. And I have to admit that I had a lot of negative stuff I had heard from Childrens Aid and other family so I already didn't think highly of her. But now I have learned of HER struggles,... I realize why she ran. Life gets too overwehlming and the walls start to close in around you. You panic. It's where I am in life right now. So in her twenties,... she ran to BC and started a life there. I don't know a lot about that life. I know she had another child - my half-brother Tony, but he didn't remain in her care so I didn't get to know him. I have him as a friend on Facebook and thats about it. 

But now, after experiencing hardships the way my Mother had, I understand now how trapped she felt. She was just a kid when I was born. She was hardly equipped to be a Mom. She also had other issues. Her mental health for one. So now that I hear she ran ~ instead of feeling resentment ~ I get it. I can understand how trapped she must have felt. 

I have been thinking about why I have choosen BC to go to. I think there are some obvious points like it's where  I can get fentanyl on every street corner. THAT is first and foremost why I am going. Bu196t I think if I'm honest I want to see where my Mother lived. I don't even know where she is buried or even if she is. I would have to reach out to my half-brother to ask him. But I would like to pay my last respects to Diane and apologize for my resentment to her for so many years. I want to tell her I understand now. I am feeling this "pull" to make amends with her finally. Thats why I have choosen to go for a whole week. 

But look at the parrallels of our lives. Both ended up without our children,... we both ended up in mental institutions,... and now,... we both ran to BC. Her to start a new life,... Me to end mine,... poinant if it werent' so sad.

I never met Diane after I was removed from her care in 1964. We communicated through letters and phone but I never met her. And I regret that to this day. How sad that I too,... now have children who don't want ME. But maybe,... someday,... my girls will learn a bit more about me and my struggle. And maybe then they too, may regret. But sadly in both stories the regret comes too late,...

Go home and kiss your family. And be grateful they love you and want you in their lives.