The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here

Bizarre,... As I was angry and fed up I got out my laptop and started looking up easier ways to get fentanyl. I don't think I have the time to save up to go to BC now. I am pretty sure Tonya has already written me up again and housing already has their eviction in process. I absolutely HATE that I have no control over my life. I am going to be living under everyones thumb and I will have no say in it. 

Obviously the only out is suicide

But my BC plan isn't going to work now. I need to get some fentanyl sooner. So I got on my laptop and started looking up Guelph Hotels. Although I don't know the drug areas anymore,... I'm sure there not hard to find. As a past addict bus stations are a good place to start. I am a stubborn and determined old girl and when I want something I will find it. I have been looking up bad areas,... drug areas,... so I have an idea. I just need to wait until I get my March CPP pay so i have enough. I will need a Taxi all the way there,... and money for a hotel. I think I have enough put away for that.

So i started looking up hotels. When the most bizarre thing happened. I looked up hotels and I have no idea why but a rehab place popped up as an advertisement. It was a private clinic here in Ontario. It was for the health of women suffering depression and mental health issues. I usually NEVER click on ads but I clicked on this. 

Basically it was the same as Homewood only for women. I refuse to ever set foot in Homewood again. You know all the fuss of everyone trying so damn hard to throw me in Homewood,... you think someone would sit back and ask why I won't go inside Homewood ever again. But noone cares why,... I don't know if I ever wrote about it on here but my last visit was traumatizing and Homewood has documented it. So why would I ever allow that to happen again?????

But I never said no to another mental health clinic. It was just Homewood. I tried going to another mental health facility once in Barrie. It was a few years ago now but I made a deal with my doctor that I WOULD get help if it wasn't Homewood. So my cousin John drove me all the way to Barrie - about a two hour drive - and dropped me off at the Barrie hospital where I was adinmitted. But they saw my address and forced me to go back to Homewood as that was my residential area hospital. My home hospital I guess. So they drove me by ambulance BACK TO HOMEWOOD. So another public mental health hospital doesn't work. they just bring you back to Homewood. 

So the answer would be a private facility. but only the rich get those. There were about 10 of these rehab places listed from all over Canada. Some here in Ontario,... some as far as BC as well as the East coast. But they average about $30 to $40 thousand dollars a month. You basically have to ahve insurance becasue paying yourself is way too much.

You know I thought about this and thought yeah,... I would do this. But as always I don't have the money or the resources to get the money to go private. If I want mental health help, I HAVE to go into Homewood. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have just come to a crossroads thinking maybe I COULD get help,... but then reality set in. You don't have the money,... You don't have the transportation,... you don't have anything. And then there is the "once you are better in mind,... your still stuck living in daily pain. I'm still stuck living in poverty. I'm still stuck not having my family,...

So after I researched all the mental health rehabs,.. I quickly came to realize that only the rich get opportunities like that.

I am a nobody with no money and refuse to go back into HOMEWOOD.

So again,... it always seem to circle back to suicide. 

I am going to say that very unpoopular facebook post I made all those years ago that made me lose my childhood friend,...

"The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here,..."

Becasue down here you have ZERO choices,... options,... or opportunities,.... down here your an invisable nobody 

So again,... the ONLY answer is suicide