This blog has gotten way off track,... so,... that last post was the LAST post you will ever hear about Tonya Halls. She has hijacked this blog long enough. And so i am taking it back today,... This blog will now get back to what it is really about and that is mental illness. And the past drama I have been so upset about is a good segway into how mental illness makes life different for those with it than for those without.
My illness means I am good person. But I can only take so much. And when conflict arises is when i lose. I can hold my own and be calm and reasonable as good as the next guy. But when conflict does arise,... this is where my mental illness takes over. I lose control. i get angry and i start shouting at the person who has caused me to get so upset. But I do want to point out that my character is not to be unkind to anyone. I am not intentionally wanting to upset anyone. I try and live my life peacefully. And up until I moved here to this building I just about managed. It wasn't until I moved here that my temper and character have been challenged.
In an ideal world I would be on medication to control my mood swings. My emotions are always larger than they should be. If I am happy,... I am laughing and having a great time. When I am sad,... I am in the depthts of despair. I FEEL every emotion strongly and deeply. This isn't a good thing. You lose perspective and control when your emotions take over. And it's emotions that has always been my downfall. I need medication to control this. But not having a doctor,... I can't get an on-going prescription for any mental health medication. The government in it's attempt to control these meds have hidden them so deep I can't get them. The walk-in can't prescribe them. You need a family doctor or to go into a mental health facility. So NOT being on any meds,... my emotions are a bit like the wild, wild west.
But I know this. So I intentionally keep myself to myself. If I don't integrate with people ~ then there is far less chance of conflict. And this is one of the reasons I have choosen to sequester myself away inside my aprtment. I know i don't handle conflict well ~ so I intentionally avoid it. It means living a life of lonliness. But it also means a life of peace. Without medication to control my moods and emotions, THIS is about all I can do to keep peace.
I think if I had all the money in the world,... I would pack my bags and head off to a live-in facility that catered to both physical and mental health. homewood,... but with doctors on site for all of my medical issues I so desperately need addressing. Is there even such a place??? I'm sure if there was it would be the cost of a home for the priviledge of going there. I can barely afford rent so a place like this will never happen for me. But that is the answer I need. A place to go to get away from this building which I am finding so toxic. I need a retreat. A place where i can heal. Because I can't heal here. Living here in this building has literally left me suicidal. And broken.
I think the only thing that will save me is to get the hell away from here.
I need a vacation,... a retreat,... a facility that can help me heal,...
Because I am broken and can't go on. I need help.
I am not a materialistic person but right now,... I wish I had a bank account full of money to get me the hell away from this toxic enviroment.
I am at a turning point. i either get help and move on or I cruble and die and my life is over. I want to move on,... but I think that is immpossible unless I get away from here.
Is there such a place in Canada??? One can dream,...
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