I need help!!!! Why am I so invisable?

Today is not your typical Saturday. Usually it's game day. But Manchester United just played in the FA Cup (a prestigious European Tournament) so they won't be playing a league game now until tomorrow. So that left me at odds this morning. No footy.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. And last night was no different. I am so stressed about this threatened eviction and losing my ODSP, etc,.. that I can't seem to shut my brain off at night. Instead I go over everything again and again. It's not productive and it just leaves me stressed and tired. After only four hours sleep I was back up and drinking my morning coffee. I am wondering if I am ever going to have a full nights sleep ever again.

I have had two breakdowns in my past where I was totally incapacitated and ended up in hospital. My mental illness is different in the sense that I don't just naturally have breakdowns due to my mental state. All of my breakdowns have been what my therapist called "situational breakdowns". What she means is, I breakdown only when overwhelmed with situations. It's my ability to cope that causes the breakdown. And over the past year I have taken on all the symptoms of my past breakdowns.

Isolation, withdrawl, sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, exhaustion, feeling numb, suicidal,... Unfortunately I am a veteren when it comes to mental health. I know myself,... and I know my illness. And I know, without a doubt, that I am having a breakdown. 

I can't function anymore. I have shut down. I am now just isolating in the hopes of dying soon. I have been here before. I know what is going on and I know what I need.

A DOCTOR ~ I need to back on medication for my moods and suicidal ideation. Right now my head is a very dark place. I no longer wish to be alive and most of my thoughts are of how to die.

My future is very bleak. I feel absolutely hopeless.

But with no doctor,... the absolute ONLY help is Homewood. If I could go private I would start packing today. I would be excited to get help. But not being able to afford private,... I will not get the help. 

And this just leaves me despondant. I need 2 things to give me a reason to go on.

To get out of this Ontario Housing Building that is causing me to feel suicidal. The toxic energy and bullying have literally made me sick. And the second thing is medication. Without these,... I just don't care to continue on living. Because living to me is hard work. And I am now too old and tired to bother.

I need out of this building and I need medication.

But people like me? We just don't get what we need,...

So where do I go from here?

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!

Why am I so invisable??