I would just like to get off my chest the anger I have at Ontario Housing and other landlords for using the threat of eviciton so CASUALLY.
Housing is a persons number one basic need next to food. And when I was middle class,... I didn't even think about my housing. I was fortuante enough to have owned four homes. I didn't start renting until after my divorce. So up until then I had no clue what having your housing USED as leverage can feel like.
It leaves you 100% vulnerable because you live somewhere that you don't own. No matter what happens - the owner has the right to throw you out onto the street - legally. And Ontario Housing is QUEEN of threatening eviction. I have lived here 8 years and have had this threat used on me about a dozen times. So thats about twice a year that I am threatened with eviction.
THEY LOVE TO HAVE THAT CONTROL
And because of this I am now sitting here in my apartment looking outside at the snow storm Ontario is having. It has been snowing for weeks and the temperatures have been well below freezing (zero) everyday. The point being it's scary out there if you are homeless. Normally I love the snow. But today,... I look outside in PANIC. Because I can be homeless with one more complaint about smoking in my unit. By the way,... I don't smoke in here anymore. I used to but having OCD I hate the smell more than my neighbours ever would so I went outside. What pisses me off is that Darren and Scott openly smoke in their units EVERY SINGLE DAY and not one person tattles on them so they get away with it. It's only because Tonya has a hate on for me and enjoys tattling and making my life hard that I am the one getting threatened with eviciton. It's just so unfair. Now if I wanted to I could stoop to Tonyas level and start writing up Darren and Scott for their smoking. That way I would at least feel like ALL of us are getting punished equally and it's not just me being singled out. But I won't. If everyone resorted to "an eye for an eye,..." then the whole world would be BLIND! Someone has to be the bigger person and stop. So I refuse to "Tattle" on darren and scott. They aren't hurting me,... so it's none of my business. I leave it alone. But I don't get the same. I get Tonya hating me so much she enjoys tattling and GOES OUT OF HER WAY TO STALK ME TO DO IT ~ purposely trying to get me evicted. And it's working. So now I live wondering when the ax is going to fall.
When will I be living under a bridge?
When am I going to be homeless???? And this is a very unsettling feeling and effects you psychologically. You feel like you can't even look forward to a fresh start or a new life or to recover from this one I am struggling in. It leaves you feeling,.. "why bother,... I'm just going to be evicted anyway,...." and TONYA has that control. It's unfair,... it's immoral,... but theres not a damn thing I can do about it. My whole life is housing deciding if I DESERVE a home.
I re-read their threatening letter and realised she wrote "You admitted you smoked in your unit,..." wait,.. what??? I never admitted to anything?? Why on earth would I admit to something that would make me homeless. But she wrote that to COVER HER ASS LEGALLY. Now that it is written in this formal letter,... I guess thats their way of sayiing it's now true. BULLSHIT!! YOU FUCKING LIARS!!!! They out and out LIED to protect their ass legally. I NEVER ADMITED to smoking in my unit. THIS IS A WITCH HUNT run by Tonya and completed by Ontario Housing. I have no control whatsoever. I am at the MERCY of a 400 pound woman who won't leave me alone. And housing caters to her with every FAKE complaint she puts in. It's like they enjoy the witch hunt too,...
It's not right,... it's not fair,... but they just don't give a shit. We are trailer trash at it's worst and it's bad enough that the employees have to deal with us low lifes at all.
And that is so unsettling that I am now breaking down and just want to end my life. I see no future with living somewhere that people think it's ok to hang your housing over your head - being CONTROLLED. Behave or your homeless and we don't care if you actually did the dead,... we just need a complaint. Real or fake,... we just need it in writing to make you live on the street.
It's inhumane and right now it's the sole reason I am ending my life.
NOONE can live a stable comfortable life never knowing if they are going to be thrown out of their home in the next month. They do it all the time so it's not just a threat. The guy above me,... the woman beside me and the tenant below me have all been evicted in the last 4 months. The noisy guy upstairs that used to keep me awake?? He didn't deserve to thrown out of his own home. I don't know why he was but I'm sure it didn't warrant being evicted. NOONE deserves to be evicted. But with housing it's all down to their rules and regulations. People could be on fire but housing would say no,... we can't give you water because you didnt' behave. So you'll have to burn,...
Lets get real. Vaping THC has no added colours or scents - UNLIKE TOBACCO vaping, marijanna vaping is the oil removed from the plant and then heated to create steam to inhale. No matches or lighters are used, so theres no fire hazard. Unlike tobacco vaping - there is no smell. So there is NO REASON WHY I shouldn't be able to vape once an hour for my pain. I have spoken to housing about this but they won't budge. My old friend on the first floor of this building is a parapalegic in a wheelchair with only the use of one hand. When she asked to get permission to smoke in her unit as she couldnt' even get her wheelchair out to the gazebo - they said no. She has them at a stalemate right now. She smokes in her unit and is waiting for them to challenge her as she is ready to fight them and take them to court. But so far,... housing LEAVES HER ALONE,... knowing she openly smokes,.... but doesn't want the LEGAL BATTLE but they pick on me. Their is no consistency in who they evict. They don't want the legal fight with her,... so they leave her alone and basically allow her to smoke in her unit (which she should be allowed!) but they treat everyone else differently.
Do you know what it's like to never feel safe???? You can't plan a future,... you have no future. You are literally waiting for an ax to fall. It's inhumane and with everything else going on,... I have just had enough. I am too tired and don't have the energy to fight Ontario Housing. I've gotten to the point where I dont' even WANT to live here. The uncertainty and instability of never knowing if you;ll be thrown out onto the street is just too difficult.
I have picked dates to fly to BC. I have choosen the hotel I would like to stay at. I have even done an itineary of what I want to see and do during that last week of my life. I will visit my half-brother Tony. I will say goodbye and pay my last respects to my mother Diane. And then when the week is over,... I will go down to the downtown east side where police don't even go into that area as it is too dangerous. It will be so easy to get my hands on my cherished fentanyl. I won't be coming back to Ontario. Ontario has nothing but bad memories and bad times. I need to leave here. There is nothing left for me here. So I will buy that one way ticket to vancouver and have one last vacation - the first one in 25 years - and then I end my life.
Finally finding peace.
And then housing can have my fucking apartment back and they can threaten the next tenant until they too crack and kill themselves becasue living in legislated poverty in a home you can't even feel safe in is not a life I want. And I am willing to commit suicide to end the pain.
Living down here is just too hard,....
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