In the middle of a breakdown right now

 I have had a total breakdown. I need to be in a hospital but I refuse to go into Homewood. I am in crisis. I am suicidal. I only want to die to escape my miserable life.

I have also closed "Coffee Confessions" for good. What I have been doing since the Tonya invasion in an attempt to keep her from reading Coffee Confessions I woul open and close it from public to just subscribers to completely closed. I wanted it public but Tonya kept reading it and using it to hurt me by making offical complaints to housing trying to get me evicted. For the past year I have felt attacked by her on my blog. 

I do not want Tonya Halls reading my blog. But there was no way to stop her unless I closed it up to closed to everyone but myself. I kept hoping each time I reopened it that Tonya would get bored and eventually just go away. But over time she just became more invested until this week when she out and out used it to try and get me evicted. I feel like this is an attack on me. And it proves she will not stop,...

So with a heavy heart and an anger at Tonya I can't release,... I have permanantly closed "Coffee Confessions" I feel defeated in doing this like she has won.

But I have always had THIS blog hidden away - "Living in My Black Fog". I actually was using both during my attack from Tonya. I would write my morning post on THIS blog (Black Fog) and then cut and paste it into my "Coffee Confessions" blog. I have always had a good audiance on THIS blog. NOONE has bothered me,... noone has taken what they read and used it to hurt me,... this audiance feels "safer" than the "Coffee Confessions Blog" I think for the past year by writing in both,... I was attempting to decide which blog to keep and which to close. So i was writing in both for the year until I could decide. 

But I think it's obvious now I need to close up and delete "Coffee Confessions". That blog and Tonya Halls has made me nearly homeless. Infact I am sitting here half expecting to get an eviction notice in the mail this week. It was too good an offer to Tonya to know that one more complalint and I was evicted. She won't be able to help herself and she will DELIGHT in writing out one more complaint causing me to be homeless. Coffee Confessions became her hunting ground. I still can't get over that someone could stoop so low but she did. And because of this,... my blog I had written in for over 15 years is now gone,...

Thank God I had this blog in the background. THIS blog will continue on. And hopefully,... noone in my building or in Fergus even know about it. I have my suspicions that they do,... but no proof. I guess time will tell when I see if she continues to receive info on me to hurt me or if finally she is cut off from all my business. We shall have to wait and see,...

Is this blog safe? 

When you don't know who is reading it ~ it is sometimes hard to fully let go and be completely honest as I'm afraid what I write will be used against me. As it was last week. And this totally defeats the whole purpose of the blog and that is to show what it is HONESTLY like to live with mental illness. I can't do that if I think Tonya is going to read it and hurt me. 

But I will try,.. I will continue to write openly and honestly no matter how unflattering it makes me look as mental illness is not a flattering condition. I try and write everything honestly ~ warts and all. And I will continue to write with that honesty.

But Tonya if you have access to this blog too,... and you again use it to hurt me??? It is out and out stalking and you need some serious help.

So lets all cross are fingers that this blog is hidden to the Fergus - what do i even call them - the Fergus heartless souls,...

I do have to confess that I did not call the police on Tonya. I couldnt' bring myself to stoop to her level. So I just wrote that I did and we were planning a peace bond in the hopes of detering her form any more harrassment. But it obviously didn't work. I will not call the police either. I feel embarrassed that I am being bullied by this woman. HUMILIATED that I can't seem to do anything about it. Calling the police would only anger her even more. I do not want the police involved. Thats why I hated when she called them on me so many times over the past 8 years (probobly at least 6) I don't want police involved in my business but she keeps dragging them into it,... so I had to cut her off from all information about me and my life. 

Did it work? Only time will tell if she knows about and reads THIS blog too,....

I'm sorry to my subscribers for being so "all over the place" on here but the truth is I am in the middle of a breakdown and need help.

I am suicidal but can't seem to do the deed so instead I am suffering and spirralling out of control. I NEED help,...

But I just can't seem to get it,....

I am on my knees. I don't have the energy or the motivation to even bother to go on. For what? To be homeless?? No thanks,... I think I'm worth more than that even if this community doesn't.

So,... I end here in the hopes of knowing I am safe in writing again. But I do have this niggling doubt that Tonya or Darren is still reading this blog.