We have been hit with yet another snowstorm. I love snow. I love storms. I love how the world is covered in a cozy white blanket. It muffles all the daily noise. So I sit here this morning drinking in the beautiful scenery outside my window. So peaceful. But with more snow, means I am trapped in this apartment even longer now. When you don't have a car and you have to walk everywhere you go using a walker,... this snow means I am trapped. I can't get a walker through this. I have had to rely on deliveries now since September. Looking out there today,... I think it will be the end of March - early April before I will be able to get back outside. It's horrible having mobility issues,... your brain says, "Go outside! enjoy the snow! get some fresh air!" but your body says "whoa,... your not going anywhere,.." And so your body wins the fight which means I am trapped. Going nowhere until all this fluffy white stuff melts and disappears.
I have felt a tiny bit better ever since I made my "plan". Knowing there is an end to this misery has actually given me a bit of spirit. Knowing this suffering is only going to last a few more months leaves me feeling peace. Now I can look forward to the trip itself. I love BC. And over the past few weeks I have been planning a really nice vacation. It's a lot harder now that I don't have a car and I have to use a walker to get around. I have never travelled under these conditions before. I have done a lot of travelling in my time, but I have always been extremely fit and healthy. This time,... I will have to navagate using a walker. But it can be done,...
I just have to make sure the hotel is right downtown and within walking distance to all the sights. I love walking and as long as I take my time and take a lot of breaks, I am quite happey to do all this walking. I havea list of things I want to do and see.
I have to be so careful with my money. I have been saving. I am not doing a grocery shop next month which will give me another $200. I am also going to make my rent bounce. That will give me another $600. I have the cost of the hotel and airfare already. So it's just foods and indidentals that I need money for now. And as past traveller,... I know that money gets eaten like water on vacation. Everything is double the price. But I don't eat much now anyway. I can live off of nothing,... tea and toast,... ensure drinks,... I already only eat 2 meals a day now. So I think as long as i am very careful with my money,... - I CAN DO THIS.
But I need to get stronger physically. I need to be able to walk long distances. So I have started walking the buiding with just a cane and not my walker. I am now trying stairs. I walk a floor - go up the stairs - walk that floor - go up the stairs - walk that floor and then repeat until I have done all four floors. Yesterday I managed to do this twice. I was exhausted by the time I was done but I felt motivated. NOW I have something to work on. Get fit enough to travel to BC in April. I was going to go the end of March but weather isn't always great and I have to walk everywhere. So I think going in April will be better. BC weather is much nicer than Ontario weather that time of year. The chinook winds give them an early spring. I can remember my cousing phoning me and saying their daffadils are already up when we still have snow on the ground. So I know their weather will be better,... but I still need to make sure it's good enough for me to walk everywhere.
I have figured out how to get to Pearson Airport from Fergus,... I have figured out how to navagate the terminal with a walker,... I have done my research. I am now just waiting to get all my money so I can finally put it all into practice. You know your life is a misery when your actually excited to plan a trip to end up committing suicide. But to me - suicide is an escape. A delicious excape that will finally give me peace.
So I am excited now. Planning and waiting,.... nothing will stop me now except my children asking me not to go,... but they don't even know about it and never will. They had their chance but they choose to remain silent and 'self-care' from me. But they had their chance. Their silence told me that they are never coming back into my life so it is now time,...
My mistake over the past 5 years was believing I would be rescued. That someone - somewhere - cared enough about me to knock on my door and say "pack up - your coming with me to live with me and my family,... my family is now YOUR family and you are now loved" But that didn't happen and it never will,... and that was my mistake. HELP DOESN'T COME. I am obviously not important enough to anyone for them to rearrange their lives ton help me. (I'm thinking of my daughters - not just random people).
For the past 5 years I have been asking for help. From anyone. But I have learned that only I can help myself. But i have tried this and I am not coping at all. overwhelmed and in daily pain and pvoerty this life just isn't what I want. So if change is going to happen. I am the only one who can do that. And the last thing I can do to fix my situation is suicide. Everything else failed. Noone heard me - noone is coming,.... so I have to fix my life myself. I dont have the power to not get evicted,... I have no power at all. No choices no control just living under housing and my government. They don't give one flying fuck about me. They are NEVER going to help you. So it is now up to me to FIX this miserable existence. And the only answer now is to escape with suicide.
So roll on April,.... I am counting down the days until I can get on a plane and fly to BC and have that long awaited vacation I havent' had in 25 years. And after the week is up,... I finally get my peace.
There is no help in this world. You are on your own. If you dont' have a family that loves you,... you will proboobly not survive and end up just like me. Alone,.. and poor,.... and just wanting to die.
Now everything is so crystal clear. Just get yourself to BC and the rest will fall into place,...
But really,... I just want a family that loves me,....
No comments:
Post a Comment