Another early morning. Why can't I sleep anymore? But the clock beside me showed it was not even 5 o'clock yet when I woke up. Another cold day. I can feel it. My apartment has large picture windows on the outside wall. Normally I love these windows as they bring in so much light. But when the weather drops here in Canada, like this morning, the windows don't do a lot to keep that frigid air out. I am so glad I bought that new portable heater. The first thing I did was to turn it on. Within minutes a nice warmth flooded the room. I opened the blinds and curtains and sure enough I was greeted with a typical winter day. For the hundredth time that month I silently gave a prayer of thanks that I was standing there with a hot coffee in my hand and was warm and toasty in my apartment. Not everyone has a home and I am well aware of this. For today, I am safe and warm and grateful.
But I'm not feeling that great. Yesterday I was just feeling off. A bit nauseuas,... a bit head-achy,... nothing serious ~ just "off". And this morning I don't feel much better. I take my blood pressure everyday as it is so high. But over the past week it has changed. Not to get into the medical in's and out's of blood pressure reading,... but I know my normal reading which is high (but normal for me). And It has changed. And today I woke up with a headache again. Nothing bad. Just a low-grade headache. A dull throb. I don't normally suffer from headaches so this is unusual.
I am also suffering from vision change. Blurry vision. Which isnt' a great sign either. But what to do? I'm not going to seek help. Not after the last nonsense of ems and cops showing up. No,... I think i will just ride it out and see what happens.
however,... this could be dangerous. What I WANT to happen is for me to have a quick and fatal heart attack. Boom,... gone. But what COULD happen instead is that I could stroke out. And living alone I may not be able to call for help (I may not have the capacity to know I have even had a stroke) and then my life will be far worse than it even is now. I may not get help as noone would even know I had a stroke. I could be here suffering for weeks and noone would even know. Infact the only indication that something is wrong would be I stopped writing in this blog. But other than that noone would even know I had a stroke.
Getting medical attention is too hard anyway. I can call 911 and we all know what happens then??? Or I could call the walk-in tonight when it's open but have no way of getting there. I can't rely on a taxi as the service in our small town is not reliable and could take up to an hour to get a taxi. Not to mention it's just so damn cold out there that once out my fibromyalgia would instantly flare up. It just seems getting medical help is a pain in the ass I would rather just not bother. The risk of mental health and homewood is still too fresh in mind to feel comfortable calling 911 again.
So i guess we wait and see. It could be absolutely nothing. i coudl be getting a garden variety cold,... but if it's not,... I guess we just hope and pray for quick and fatal and not a stroke.
Welcome to the world of no doctor,...
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