I'm a misfit toy to this world

Island of the misfit toys. Remember the old classic Christmas show Rudolph the red nose reindeer? I used to watch it as a child many, many years ago. I have never felt more like a misfit toy in my life,...

Everyone else seems to get health care but I get cops and homewood. I am so sick of being seen as just "mentally ill" rather than a real person with REAL physical medical problems that need fixing. WHY can I not go into any ER and just say I need this looked at? Because as soon as they see my chart - I go into the glass room. The crazy room,... the room they save for the mental health patients. Last time I went was for high blood pressure and other PHYSICAL ailments. NOTHING for mental illness. YET,... I was put in the 'crazy' room. Because noone sees me as normal person ~ I am JUST mentally ill. That is all anyone sees,.... Last Wednesday I had high blood pressure and the COPS showed up! Thats not health care - thats HARRASSMENT! If you had high blood pressure, would you end up in the crazy room in the ER? No,.... they save that for the FLAGGED monsters like me. 

So knowing this,... would YOU try to get medical help? No,.. they have scared me to death and now I CAN'T get help. Now I am hiding away in my apartment too afraid to even communicate with the outside world at all anymore for fear I will end up in HOMEWOOD. 

This community ~ the town of Fergus in Wellington County in Ontario does not see ME. They see a piece of paper that is flagged mentally ill and therefore I get treated DIFFERENT. In my eyes,... BADLY! It's so degrading and I am sick of it. So now I am too afraid to reach out anymore. I NEED medical attention - but now I am too afraid to ask for it. 

I was up all night with the stress of all of this. And no matter what I thought of, it just seems to come back to one answer. I am not a real person to this society. And I will never be treated as such. And no matter how I try to resolve this the only answer to this, all I can see is SUICIDE.

I"M NEVER GOING TO BE SEEN AS NORMAL AND I'M NEVER GOING TO GET PHYSICAL HEALTH CARE.

I can't live without health care. I am in pain,....

So the only alternative is suicide.

And it's been like this for about five years now. I should have ended my life 5 years ago and I wouldn't have had to go through all this bullshit I have. The degradation,... the charity,... the benefits,... being made to feel like an invisable nobody.

I asked for help for years,... all I got was the threat of homewood. I honestly don't see any kind of life for me. No doctor,... no health care except mental healh care,... pain,... poverty,... lonliness,... being unwanted by your family,... theres just no positives anymore. Just sadness,...lonliness and pain.

AND NO HELP

So all I can think of now is dying. Thats all I have been able to think about for the past 5 years. Poverty and mental illness have absolutely DESTROYED my life and left me with nothing. I can't go on anymore. It's physically too hard,... I just can't do it anymore,...

So I have to find the courage to end my life. I HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE TO END IT! because it's torture living everyday in this hell. Now,... my only goal in life is to end mine.

There is absolutely no hope for me now.

I am invisable. Time to disappear for real