It's not my traditional Saturday game day but I am sat here watching football. I didn't have the streaming site to watch my Manchester United FA Cup game so I am now going through Youtube where not only the whole game has been put up by fans, but also all the podcasts analyzing it. So I didn't miss the game ~ I just had to watch it delayed. And it was a great game. Lots of controversy but in the end we won with penalty shot outs.
I do love my Manchester United.
I have loved football for a long time now. Years and years,... so I have accumulated a lot of information about the game itself and the players. But something scary has been happening over the past year or so. My memory is definitely going. Football pundits (sportscasters to us North Americans) have practically taught me the game of soccer. I love hearing about the game,... I love hearing about the players,... I love everything about football. And over the years I have learned so much. But lately I am forgetting,...
I use to know every single player on Manchester United who has played for them since the late '80's. And even read up on the greats before that,... I am not bragging as it is just a thing I have,... I KNOW Manchester United and it's club. I could have won pub quiz nights with my knowledge of this club.
So I have found it scary that lately I am coming up blank with names or games I should easily remember. Wayne Rooney is one of my all time fav players. But yesterday I could see his face in my mind but I could not remember his name. And this is happening way too often now. For the past five years or so I have put it down to old age. I am 61,... my memory is bound to be fading. But just over this past year, I am forgetting way too much. I can't remember key players that are on the team now. I am definitely losing my memory.
But heres where it gets scary. I am forgetting things that are dangerous now. Last week I was cooking. I had put some chicken in the oven and I completely forgot about it. Luckily I am a recluse that never goes out so I was reminded when the timer alarm went off. But I had no recollection of putting that chicken into the oven. It was minutes of struggling to remember - not seconds - minutes. What if I had left my apartment? It is NOT NORMAL to put food in the oven and then completely forget about it. And these things are happening in more frequency now.
I have also noticed something else odd. I am mixing up my words when I speak. I am losing my words. For instinse instead of saying I went their earlier,... I said I went their younger. Lately I am grasping for the right word as well as saying the wrong word instead. Like yonger instead of earlier. I know from working in the medical field that this is a strong sign I am in the first stages of dementia. I have been concerned about it for about 2 or 3 years now. But it's only since the accident that it seems to have gotten worse. And this is very concerning. As I love alone. How does one getting dementia live alone safely? I seem to be ok now,... but it's obviously getting worse and progressing. I have found myself standing there wondering why. THAT is concerning. Not remembering coming into a room or why. THIS is where you need family. And not having a family that is going to be there really scares me. What is going to happen to me as this disease progresses? i do NOT want to be that person people in my building find wandering around not knowing where I am,.. that would be humiliating. But who is there?
My health is deteriorating drastically. Physically, mentally and now my intellect is going. It is scary enough to realize you are losing your mind - but to have to do it without a doctor is really frightening.
What is going to become of me?
It's so sad that everything in my life that is causing me strife - there doens't seem to be any answers for except suicide.
Would you want to be poor and alone and have no mind? Thats sounds pretty cruel,...
I am trying to have a life but with no money or transportation there is nothing to do. And now that my health is declining rapidly I can't see any other answer but suicide.
If anyone out there DOES have an answer for me (and it's NOT God!) then please get in touch. As I feel I have tried everything. The resources just aren't there for me.
Now I have to decide like I have been for so long now - do i want to stumble through the rest of my life as someone who can't even look after myself anymore? No,... that is too degrading. I would rather just take a bow now and leave while I physically can.
If someone from my family was going to help - they would have been here by now. Noone can help me,... I just don't have the money, resources or health to keep me here any longer.
Life to me now is just STRUGGLE.
If you can help - NOW IS THE TIME becasue I don't know how much longer I can hold on,.....
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