She asked to borrow my car!

I sat here in desperation this morning asking myself, what can I do to change my life? I am at the end and broken and can't go on. Something needs to change to make my life even a bit easier. It's because my day to day life is such a physical struggle that I am in this position. A recluse who hasn't gone outside my building since September. (6 months!!!!) In my frustrtation of feeling so trapped here I have been wracking my brain looking for a sloution that would allow me to get away from this commune. I know in my heart that  living in this building is toxic to me and I need to escape once in awhile and just get away from the drama. And the only answer I can come up with is a car. Without transportation I am stuck here. I live in small town so there is no bus service. And our one and only taxi company usually only has one car out on the road so the wait for a taxi in this town can be up to an hour. And even then their scheduled school runs always come first so I can never get a taxi. And once - it didn't even show up at all. So I will never rely on a taxi. I can't. They aren't reliable in my town.

My life as I knew it ended the day my car died and I had to watch a tow truck tow it away to a junk yard. Life has never been the same since. As I have said before I am fiercely independent and that car was my freedom. I moved around a lot so I never settled in one place long enouhg to make friends. I was always so busy trying to work and pay the rent that I look back now and realize I was alone. But back then,... it didn't seem to bother me. I enjoyed my day trips away where I would pack up my car and drive to somewhere in Ontario and have a nice day out by myself. I dont ever remember feeling lonliness like I do now. As long as I could get away from my home for a bit I was satisfied. As long as I had something to do I was ok. 

And that is what the problem is now. I can't get away from this commplex. I can't get a walker through this snow. And the cold is too much for my fibro right now so I have been sequestered away in here for 6 months now - alone - going absolutely stir crazy with cabin fever. If only I had a car,...

But too many years have passed and I have gotten even poorer so I know a car will never be feasable. The insurance and upkeep alone is what made me have to give one up in the first place. I could afford the gas - but that was all. That car ~ named Isabella or Bella for short ~ was a gold coloured 6 cylinder Alero. She was my saviour for many years. And now I really, really miss her. Life is like prison now not being able to get out. 

If you own a car - please feel appreciative because without ~ one I can't even get groceries. My life is now stuck in a box doing nothing.

What I would do to have my freedom back with a vehicle,... 

This actually reminds me of a Tonya story. One that really highlights her entitlement with others. When I first moved here over 8 years ago, I had a car but Tonya didn't. She didn'teven have her license. So I used to pick her up from work if I was in the area and she had finished her shift. In short, I was nice to her. For the first few years I knew her all she did was ask me for stuff. It's why I turned my back on her in the end.

But I digress again. One day about 6 years ago I got a knock on my door. It was early - about 9'ish in the morning - and it was Tonya standing there with her son and a bag. And she said with absolutely no shame or hesitation,.. "Can I borrow your car" apparently she was taking her son to the local recreation centre and her ride must have fallen through. So she felt entitled enough as a brand new licensed driver to ask me to borrow my car - without me - to take her son swimming. 

I have never in my life asked anyone to borrow their car. It's just not appropriate! And she only has her license to drive a few weeks at that time so she wasn't even an experienced driver yet. But what Tonya wants,... Tonya EXPECTS people to drop everything and give her. And she WANTED to go swimming so she expected me to hand over my car to her so she could have what she wanted and expected. Of course I said no. I remember stammering feeling very awkward not knowing what to say but there was no damn way she was borrowing my car!!!! Noone has ever asked this before or since. Only Tonya is entitled enough to ask to borrow a car. Thats how comfortable she was borrowing shit from me and that is why it ended up stopping as she took adbvantage and didn't understand when it wasn't appropriate to ask. She wasn't even a friend to me - just the neighbour who lived down the hall. So entitled but so Tonya,..

it makes me want to go down there today and knock on her door and ask her if I can borrow her car. The angry fireworks I would receive just for asking would be hilarious. In Tonyas world it's ok for HER to ask others but she would never lend HER car to anyone,... she would be pissed off if I even asked. I know I wouldn't get the awkward polite answer of no I gave her - I would get a mouthful of abuse at the audacity of me even asking. But Tonya can't see that she does these things herself. It's ok for her but others get crucified if they do it too. I just remembered this story this morning when I was thinking how much I needed a car. I had nearly forgotten competely that she had done this. It make me laugh now as it so poinantly shows her entitlement with everythning. She has "borrowed" a mattress,... a bike,... which in the end I think she sold to someone else instead of giving it back to me (the bike). GRIFTER should be her middle name. I wonder if she still goes cap in hand to churches for money? If she still uses the food bank? She was using the food bank and then going to Pueta Plata every Christmas for a few years there. Note to Tonya: If you can afford a vacation - you don't need the food bank - you are taking food from others who actually need it. GRIFTER

Anyway,... went way off topic there.

I wanted to talk about how I need to make a change if I am going to survive. But without transportation my life isn't worth living when you put with the poverty and pain and the Tonya bullying,....

So after a morning of trying to think of ANYTHING to make my life better - I now know there isnt' anything. If I dont' end my life myself and soon,... I will be sentenced to another 20 years of living in this box - or worse homeless when my insurance money runs out - so why bother???? I really have to sit and ask myself this morning why I bother trying anymore. No help is coming,... no doctor is coming,... no transprotation is coming,.... 

My life is over and I need to find a way to end it. THAT is the only truth I come away with today. I need to just end my life.