I have not been outside my apartment building since the end of August (except for one ambulance ride to the hospital and a taxi ride home). That means for nearly 5 months now I have been sequestered away inside my apartment unit.
I don't talk to anyone.
The only people I see now are the ones out in my building when I go to get mail or do laundry or take garbage to the garbage room. Even then, I attempt to wait until it's late at night so the chances of running into anyone is slimer. In short I am a ghost in this building now. NOONE SEES ME anymore. Which means I dont' talk to anyone - ever. I keep myself to myself and my business to myself. The only way I communicate with the outside world now is this blog. And it's one way. I write and then close my laptop and dont see or speak with anyone. I am nearly invisable to this world.
It's my prontection
I have not been outside to the gazebo in 5 months. And I do not miss it at all. The begging and grifting,... the gossip and lies and rumours,... it was like being on a school playground. I made the decision that the only way the lies and gossip will stop is if I am gone. And I think it worked. Actually I haven't seen or spoken with anyone in this building in months so how would I know if the gossip stopped? I wouldn't ~ but I DON'T CARE about it anymore. Getting off the playground has given me perspective. They are all a bunch of nasty people who aren't happy with their own lives so they try to ruin others,... I spent 8 years out in that nonsense. And I don't regret the decison to never go out there again.
I finally have peace from them all
What it has done is shut the door to the nonsense. I should have done it years ago. But unfortuantely, it is the smoking area. We are FORCED to go out there and only out to the gazebo if we smoke. We are forbidden to smoke anywhere inside the building or our units. But the playground games were fucking with my mental health. So I knew I had to protect myself. So now I risk eviction (And Tonya will be reading this and sending an excerpt of it to housing to "tattle") but I admit anyway that I smoke my bong in my unit to avoid the nastiness of the gazebo. I am very good about it. I do it only after midnight when everyone is sleeping. I don't do it during the day and bother everyone on this floor. (although 3 other people on this floor openly smoke in their units and have gotten away with it for YEARS!)
And I don't regret it at all because the drama it was causing me was worse than the threat of eviction I have now. Tonya can 'tattle' all she wants to. If she does she KNOWS she is making me homeless but she won't care. That will be a GOOD thing for her. An advantage. I can't stop her reading this blog. It's either closed up to everyone so noone can read it or it's publicly open to everyone. I can't stop her or Darren from reading it. All I can say is if she does try and get me evicted ~ thats on her. It just proves her to be the vindictive drama queen she is who can't stop instigating to make trouble.
But it's still worth the risk not to have the drama
The gossip and nonsense in that gazebo was really upsetting me so I had to make a 'self-care' decision and it has proven to be the right one. Not having to deal with these gossips, has removed them from my life. They may still be talking smack - but now I don't give a shit. What I don't hear ~ doesn't hurt me. They can talk and gossip all they want to. It doesn't effect me at all.
My life is very sad hiding away inside my aprtment unit. It's lonely. But it's still better than the drama that occurs outside my front door. I would rather be alone and lonely than out with all the gossips.
Theres a reason I am hiding from the world ~ you don't get hurt when your not out there. Inside my unit I am safe. I am still lonely,... poor,... and unhappy,... but I am atleast safe from all the nonsense that Tonya and her gossip crew create. One less stress out of my life.
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