I'm just so tired,...

I think if I had to describe what I feel like right now overall, it would be tired,... running out of steam.

I have OCD. Not all of it is about cleaning but in my case part of it is. I don't obsessively clean like you see in the documentaries where I have to wash something 8 times in a row. I don't have to clean things repetitively. I only have to clean it once ~ but well. And I have to clean everyday. I MUST do dishes,... clean the whole kitchen,... make my bed and tidy the bedroom and vacumm every single day. Then all the other stuff I distribute over time. But it usually adds up to about 1 to 2 hours a day.

Or,... at least it did before the accident. 

Now I still do the same cleaning. But it takes me much longer and I have to do it in installments now. 5 minutes here and then sit down. 10 minutes there and then sit down to get the pain under control. Anything using my hands I have to keep stopping every few minutes from the numbness. But over the course of the day, I eventually get it all done. For one it gives me something to do and passes all the empty hours of my day.

I don't like help in my home. I am an independent person and I like to do things myself. My mom said even as a toddler I demanded to be allowed to do everything myself. I have lived alone now for 25 years and I have still done everything myself. I have owned a home and redecorated the whole thing - myself. I drove all over Ontario on the 400 series highways and it didn't bother me. Travelling alone was comfortable for me. I was independent. I liked to take care of myself. (When I whine on here about needing help I mean I need a DOCTOR ~ not housework)

But ever since the accident I have declined quickly. The force of the hit knocked my fibromyalgia right out of whack and I still can't get it under control. Having no doctor I can't take pain meds so it's been rough. I can never seem to get the pain under control. And dealing with pain causes me blood pressure issues. It spikes when the pain is bad. 

But the biggest thing that has changed for me is my stamina. I used to be a bull. When I worked I could just learn to put my head down and just get it done. As the pain got worse over the years though, I eventaully had to stop working. But I never minded hard work. I actually miss working. Having a job gave me some purpose. I didn't feel like I was wasting my brain watching tv all day. A job gives you dignity. Your useful. So working was never a problem until the pain became too bad.

But over the past few months - maybe since the fall - I have no energy at all. And now,... it's starting to effect me becasue I can't get things done like I used to. I can't cook anymore. I had to give most of that up a few months ago. And cleaning drains me to the point I have to go to bed when i am done now. Everything I do seems to take every ounce of energy I have. It's like i'm on the last journey of a marathon. My legs are rubbery,... my breath sharp in my lungs as I grasp deeply for it with every step. I long to fall down right where I am and just sleep,... I just dont' have any fuel left,...

I'm just so tired,...