Going off topic,... adoption. And in my case,... later adoption.
As I sat here tonight watching my umpteeenth hour of tv,... I was getting unsettled and needed to stretch. I found a new series on Crave called "An update on our Family" i had no idea what it was about and becasue i was going to get up do dishes anyway and just have it on in the background,... I didn't really care what it was about. it was something to have on to cut the silence of being alone. It started out to be about a family that vlogs. I have never been interested in family vloggers. So I wasn't really paying much attention to the first episode. A lovely picture perfect family (arne't they all perfect on social media?) blah,... blah,... blah,...
But towards the end they started talking about adoption. Being adopted myself my ears pricked up a bit. This family was going to fly to China to adopt a little boy - Huxly. I think the actual jist of the episode was about family. But it was starting to shift over to adoption. And what that all entails. It not only had all the paperwork and red tape of adoption,... it also showed a video side to it that hadnt really been done in this detail before. A video record of a little boys first day being adopted into an American Family. Sounds like it should have been all rainbows and unicorns. But what happened having the video there showed a different side to adoption. From the babies point of view.
This made me stop doing dishes and sit down to watch the second episode.
I was adopted as a toddler. Not as an infant. I was 16 months old when the final adoption was signed. But I think I was 9 months old when I was first introduced to the Morgans and 11 months when I first resided there. Overnights first and eventually to stay forever. of course I don't remember those days,... but this show had me rethinking what those first days must have been like for me when I was first taken away from Diane and Ida and put into a foster home at 9 months.
What must that be like for an infant? In my case I lived in Toronto and was adopted into a family in Bramalea (now renamed Brampton) so it was in the same province. The same country. What must it have been life for an international adoption? This show , although I dont' think it was it's intention,... shows the negative side of a child losing his only home he knows and being TERRIFIED and then removed - put on a plane - and taken to a new country to start a new life. I don't think there has been a lot of video documentation of how this is - realistically - for a baby or child. It must be confusing,...
In my case being an adoption from Ontario,... I wouldn't have had the culture shock of having to be in a different country. But I did have the shock of a completely different enviroment. I was removed from a chaotic enviroment where I was not always safe. It was a loud home and I was told not alwyas a nice place to be. Then i was rumoved to emergency foster care and put in the system. I was lucky enough to find a family right away. I had my first visit with the Morgans when I was 9 months old. What a different enviroment it was. Stable,... loving,... safe,... although I would imagine the first few days or weeks would have been unsettling. In the end,... it was a great change. So i was lucky.
But the damage of those first 9 months I have learned later in therapy. I had no idea how important that first year of life is to a baby. If that first year has trauma - your life can be changed drastically. And mine was. Even with the love of my adopted family that I lived with until I was 15 years old,... the hidden trauma of abandonment and attachments were severely compromised. And any therapist will tell you that creates all sorts of issues in adult life.
Mine have been devastating. I'm not blaming my later adoption on all my problems. That would be silly. But I have been told that most of my "issues" stem from what I lacked in that first year of my life. I can't trust,... I can't get close to anyone,... and apparently that stems from my Mom disappearing and leaving me with strangers for 3 weeks in a "boarding house" (I still to this day don't even know what a boarding hose would be for a baby!) But the jist being my Mom dumped me wherever convenient so she could go party. leave me for days,... weeks,... and so I learned I wasn't wanted and soemtimes they don't come back.
You would think as an adult you would know intellectually that it wasn't your fault and your Mom had problems, etc,... but in your cell memory you are always fight or flight,... this makes very good sense when you know my personality.
I have talked about nature vs nurture on here before but never what being adopted as a toddler and not an infant is like. i can say, with some experience,. it is damaging to the child. I think some kids will just soar through it and do well. But I am mentally ill and that effected a lot too.
So really,... I have done the best i can with what I have experienced.
I know it's a wonderful thing for a baby to find a loving family. but maybe,... in the deepest reseesses of our soul,... maybe we were never menat to be taken out of our real "families". Maybe blood does play a significant role in your heart. Because as much as the Morgans were a Godsend to me,...
I never fully fit in to their family. Not 100%.
But I didn't fit into the Holyoaks either as I was taken away when I was so young.
So in the end I felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I have no deep family connection with anyone. And thats been a lonely cross I have had to bear for most of my adult life.
Adoption can be wonderful,... but I think babies need to know their roots,... their story. Otherwise you just feel like a loose end someone has taken in,... I can't explain it. I think you have to be an adoptee that wasn't a 100% success story to understand. When i say my story of adoptin was not a success I don't blame the Morgans. I blame different cultures and that real soul connection that wasn't there in the end with the Morgans. When my mother died - she made it clear her sons were her real children and I was the adopted kid. I felt it all my life but knew it when she left me out of the will as her child. i got put in with the grandchildren and got what the gradnchildren all got while my brother got everything. That hurt and not for the money. I could care less about the money. it was being left out and not thought of as the REAL child.
So adoption is a double edged sword. When it works it's beautiful. But when it doens't it can be painful to the child that is never really accepted anywhere,...
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