All because I didn't have a fucking doctor

I have been woken up from the pain of my hernia. I am now going into day three of this attack. This hernia is ridiculous because if I had a doctor they would just repair it with a surgery I wouldn't have to suffer with there attacks anymore. But I can't get the surgery because I have no doctor.  I know from experience as I have been to the ER about half a dozen times now with this. Theres nothing they can do for me without a doctor. They give me something for the pain and then they send me home with instructions to contact my doctor to arrange surgery to get it repaired. When I tell them I have no doctor then suddenly I am sent home to fend for myself until it happens again. And it is now happening all the time. 

The thing with a hiatic hernia is they are caused by eating. So now I am down to only being able to eat about 10 bites at a meal before the pain gets to bad. So now I am not getting the food I need because eating is now causing me to get attacks. 

So now I am sitting here in bent over pain suffering. But I know if I call 911 they will bring me to Emerge - give me apin meds and then send me home to suffer it again. So what is the point in paying the $45 ambulance fee just to get told "Oh, with no doctor we can't help you"

story of my fucking life - no doctor - no help

So tonight the pain got so severe it woke me up. And now I am sitting here with a big ass knife infront of me and I am trying to find the courage to stab myself in the heart. It's a big knife and it's strong enough. But I am concerned I will hit my ribs and therefore it wont get my heart and I wont die. I cannot fuck this up. I have to do it right or I will end up in Homewood and never recover,....

I only have ONE CHANCE to do this. And if it works ~ I find peace.

If it doesn't work - I guess I lay here wounded and bleeding but I will STILL REFUSE to call for help. If I don't get my heart,... I can still bleed out and die. It will just be more painful and take a lot longer.

But when your sitting here in absolute agony and you know without a doctor it's going to continue to happen over and over again - it's overwhelming and you will do anything to make that pain stop. Including taking a knife and stabbing it into your heart. Anything has got to be better than suffering this fucking relentless non=stop PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

How much do people expect me to suffer?????

Well,... I cna't anymore. It's too fucking painful and I need to get this pain to STOP! so I can finally get some fucking relief!!!!!

I just can't take this pain anymore!!!!!!

I just need to die

All because I didn't have a fucking doctor!!!!!!!!