I just want to die now

I don't know what to do. I have been writing in this blog for years. (since 2010) YEARS before I ever moved here and Tonya and Darren found it. I don't communicate well talking. I get flustered and upset in arguments so I just come across as crazy when you get attacked by Tonya. She pokes , and pokes and pokes and you ignore. But she pokes some more until you lose it. THEN she calls the police and housing and I get into trouble. THAT is why I avoid this woman at all costs becasue she knows if she makes these nasty comments I will one day lose it and my Irish temper will come out and then she literally starts shouting "witness,... witness,... shes attacking me" (Yes, that really happend,...) After 8 years the only thing I can do to get this woman off my back is to HIDE. Avoid at all costs so she can't keep poking me with gher nasty comments. She knows if she says the right thing I will blow. AND THAT IS WHAT SHE IS COUNTING ON. Nobody sees her taunting me,... nobody sees her mocking me,.... she is good. She knows how to play this game well. 

I never come out looking well.

So the only weapon I have is to avoid her. 

And this blog is giving her everything she needs to torment me. I am too ashamed to face anyone in this building as I know she has slandered me so bad people think I'm crazy. And it's becasue of this I feel I do not have a future here in this building. She has poisoned it for me. 

But I have no where to go. So i am trapped. My future is hiding inside my apartment unit from "the Karen" and her son. Becasue not only do i have her after me,... but now her son has joined in the game. I don't stand a chance here. 

I want out of this building but that will never happen. 

So back to this blog,....

This blog is my only outlet,... my friend,... my confidant,... and now I feel as if Tonya has completely RUINED this blog for me now. Becasue I write my innermost deepest fears and I am bruatally honest. This makes me vulnerable. Tonya found this blog and has tainted it. She reads my most personal private words ~ laughs at them ~ and then uses them to hurt me by spreading it around. 

I don't feel like I can ever show my face outside my front door ever again. I am too embarrassed. 

So what do I do about this blog? It is how I dump my frustrations every morning. It's where I vent,.... I don't have family or friends. This blog IS my family and friends. Without it I feel empty. I NEED to write. It's my therapy. It's the only thing I've got. 

Tonya has taken it all away. 

Not only has she made living in this building hell. But now she has found this blog and has tainted it too. This woman has instigated herself into ALL aspects of my life. What can I do?????

Do i close this blog for good and let her win? Or do I continue and she uses it against me and I can't show my face outside my own home?

What do you do with gossipy lying Karens????? I have already locked myself away. She intrudes INTO my space. I can't hide any furthur,... I'm as hidden as I can be already. 

This is really effected me. She has CHANGED how I live. I can't fight bullies. They always turn things around and make themselves look like they did nothing wrong. And becasue I'm Irish with a temper - I lose. 

What would you do? Would you continue on allowing this woman to abuse you with your own words or would it be healthier mentally to close down this blog for good?

I literally feel ATTACKED by this woman. And now her son as well. It's never going to get better. 

If there is anyone reading this who can help I would appreciate it. I am at my end. There is no future for me in this builiding. There is not future for me full stop. Poverty,... pain,... debt,.... no family,... no friends,... just lonliness and now being bullied until I die.

If anyone has any empathy at all for me ~ please help me to die. I am unable to leave my unit now and can't get outside now until spring. But I can't wait until spring. I need fentanyl NOW. I need someone to help me get fentanyl. I am begging,... on my knees begging,....

It is CRUEL to force me to continue living in such physical pain. And then to be tormented by a bully so I can't even go outide is no life. PLEASE help me to die,....

I am begging you to please help me to die,....