Overwhelmed with anger

I am so angry today. I am walking around seething inside but I don't know what to do with all this anger. It is eating away inside of me. I used to be such a nice person,... but after years of pain and then the last 3 years of abject poverty,... I have felt resentful,... angry,... the only thing I have done wrong is be mentally ill and have fibromyalgia. I did not commit a crime yet I feel like I am being punished. I didn't realize that in 2025 being mentally ill meant being a sub-human. Invisable. Not worth it. Disposable. 

I am in so much pain. My arm is so annoying not being able to feel because it's STILL pins and needles. I can't use it. It's been a YEAR and I still can't use my fucking arm!!!!

It's the pain I can't bear. The boredom,... the poverty,... the lonliness,... I can all bear. But the pain is just to relentless. It NEVER gives up. Not even when I'm sleeping. It eats away at me 24 hours a day and I can't take it anymore. This pain is making me so fucking angry I want to take a very large sharp knife and literally slice my arm,... at least then I will feel it again!!!!! But I can't live my life knowing this arm will always be this way. I cant accept that. Its horrible. I want this PAIN GONE and maybe this anger I have that I can't release is the answer to finally finding that courage I need. Just take that knife in anger and slice,... slice,... slice,.... pain and trauma that will finally end my pain and poverty.

Because seriously what the hell am I suppose to do with all this ANGER?

I asked for help but every time I was told about something, in the end for some reason I didn't qualify or I wasn't in the right region,... whatever,... I never got the serevice.  I am tired of accepting "IMPACT" or paramedic services and other social "help" from the community. I used to take them up on it all the time. But again,... in the end,... I didn't get what I needed. A DOCTOR! So I am tired of them getting my hopes up with IMPACT and other services only to find out it's the services they offer are not what I need. 

I NEED A DOCTOR. I NEED HEALTH CARE. I don't need the ambulance service dropping by once a week to do vitals,... what good is that when I need a DOCTOR? All these services with nothing that helps ME. So forgive me if I seem unappreciative of the cops banging on my door SAYING they can offer help when in the past their help has NEVER actually materialized and I always end up feeling let down. Or worse - in a mental hospital. So after a while you just stop asking them for the help because in the end it's not the help you need.

I NEED A DOCTOR. I NEED HEALTH CARE. I NEED TO STOP BEING TREATED LIKE A MENTALLY ILL MONSTER AND STOP GETTING THREATENED WITH HOMEWWOOD.

THATS what I need. But they can't offer me that. 

So today I am overwhelmed with anger. Everything I do is getting on my last raw nerve and I am ready to explode. I am spiralling,.... this is not going to end well,....

I am so angry that I have literally been left to rot,....

Today is not going to end well,.... I can just feel it,...

And the irony? All I probobly need right now is medication. But I cna't get it without a fucking doctor. The irony would be funny if it weren't actually fatal to me,....