I sadly watch tv all day. It's not my choice, but instead, what I have been relegated to,.. a body on a chair watching a box. And unfortunatly I am picky about what I watch. So I tend to watch the same series over and over again as I can't find anything else I like. I can't watch, and will never enjoy violence,... any of the adult cartoons (American Dad, etc,...) horror,... anime,... science fiction,...so in the end I tend to stick with drama and comedy. My comedy is usually British produced (but not all) and my drama is always about family. I don't think this is by accident.
I really miss being a part of a family.
Modern Family,
The Waltons,
Parenthood,
Call The Midwife
Young Sheldon,
Anne of Green Gables and Road to Avonlea,
Friends,
Gogglebox,
Gavin & Stacey,
Doc Martin,
All Creatures Great and Small,
Ted Lasso,... just to name a few
They all seem to have the same thing in common. A group of people intertwined with love. If they aren't a typical family in the nuclear way, then they are a group brought together to form a family. But they all love everyone so deeply and nothing seems to tear that love apart.
Now before you go thinking I have lost it now and I am living in a tv, I am well aware that my shows are written by writers and are designed to make these families look perfect. So I realize it's not a true facsimilie of a real family. In short,... I get it's not real. But if I am being forced to sit and watch these made up worlds, then I choose to watch the ones that remind me of the love of family.
Sometimes it's hard though. I am alone so these "families" are all I have. (How sad is that?) And I get emotional when I see them enjoying holidays and events with all their loved ones. Sometimes the scenes remind me of things I did with my girls and then I can smile and remember the good times. But sometimes it just makes me ache for the past. Reminds me of what I am missing.
It may sound odd to people that a grown woman seems to be pining for her children. But I think if I were to be honest, I am grieving my past life. If I had lost my family to a death it would not have been easier,... but easier to have to accept. Knowing that your family is alive and well and they just don't want you in that family - THAT is what destroys me. Knowing I'm not good enough or I am a burden or they just don't like me,... my mental illness behaviour is too much for them. THAT is very humbling. But I still very much miss them. I think about my girls every single day,... it's like I am grieving for them but because there is no death I can't get closure. So my heart just continues to ache everyday. It's a heavy burden to carry.
So I get a bit of "family" through these shows. It's embarrassing to admit that my life shines out of a box - but it does. I am so broken,... I live in a box,... and I watch a box all day long. My life is inside of a box,...
When all I ever wanted was my family,... they say what you fear the most will happen. And I always feared people would leave me. How sad and tragic that this seems to be true,...
I wonder how many people in this world are just like me? Alone,.. maybe not poor,... but elderly and alone and lonely,... there must be millions of us around the world. So I guess I can take a little comfort in knowing atleast I'm not the only one. Sadly there a too many lonely seniors missing their family.
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