Moving on now

When I had my daughter Michelle way back in 1991 there were so many people waiting for her arrival. She was wanted and loved. It was one of the best days of my life the day she was born. And I'll never forget the first moment that she met her Nana and her Grandma. The look of pure joy on both of their faces melted my heart. And handing my precious bundle of joy over to my own mother was a gift. It is a moment in time that is so precious to me it will never fade. There was absolute joy in the hosptial room as my premature but perfect little girl was passed around for everyone to admire and love.

And ever since that moment, I have dreamed of meeting my own grandchild. Infact I waited years. When I found out that Michelle was pregnant I wept. I actually cried. I could not contain the joy that news gave to me. And each passing day I grew more in love with that growing baby.

And then the horrible words came,... "We dont' want you there,..." 

My heart broke that day and it has never healed. I lost my daughter that day and I lost the first moments of my baby granddaughtes life. Moments I can never get back. Everyone else was there,... like the two grandmas in 1991 for Michelle. Everyone was there sharing in the joy of baby E*****r's birth. EXCEPT ME. Deliberately left out. 

The hurt of that rejection still pierces deep in my heart. I will never recover from The loss of missing the family joy of the birth of that child. And to this day,... I still have not met my baby granddaughter. And I realize now I never will,...

I can't live with this. All my life I lived to have children and then grandchildren. 

But I am mentally ill. I guess I didn't deserve to be a grandma. I guess I was too ill or nasty or not nice or something,... I was just too,....I don't know,... something,... mentally ill!

I have waited for her to change her mind. Our last conversation she said I had to apologize ~ and I did. But she said I didn't know what I was apologizing for and hung up on me. 

The ache in my heart never ends,... it goes on and on and on,.... it's relentless and painful and I just can't bear it. Life without my children or my granddaughter is not a life. 

And just knowing that it is me. Because I am mentally ill. 

I FUCKING HATE MY MENTAL ILLNESS! It has robbed me of the most precious things in this world to me. MY CHILDREN. And without my girls,... I don't want a life.

Do you know how it feels to know you were deliberately left out because you aren't liked or wanted? It's so fucking painful I can't bear it anymore and now that I have explained everything it is time to go.

I am a fucking horrible mentally ill monster and now I need to die,...

I will never forgive you Michelle. ALL I WANTED was to see that baby before I died. But I wasn't even good enough for that. You must have really fucking hated me.

Atleast I know I loved you all. I always loved my girls. And not having them in my life has been unbearable.

Can't and won't do it anymore. It's time to let go of the hope and just go

September 7th 1963 ~ January 8th 2025 

I am sorry,... I really did love you Michelle and Hayley but I can't go without you in my life.